Well. I have outdone myself.
I once again let fear get the best of me. How, C did you manage to fuck up this time you may be wondering? Fair question, since there are a vast number of scenarios that are probably cascading through your minds if you are a long term reader.
Welp. This time, I managed to push away someone, nay, probably the only one in my life who currently was making any effort of caring for me. The reason? I was scared. Scared of getting to close. Scared of forming any kind of bond. Scared of making a connection that could possibly be broken.
So in my very twisted mind, I figured I should stop it before it even started. Except that it’s not the first time I’ve tried to stop this particular relationship. In fact it’s probably been at least a handful of times I’ve pushed K away, and he keeps gracefully coming back. Which I’m so thankful for.
But that’s my problem. I know I love him. More than I’ve ever loved or thought possible to love anyone ever. And that’s why I’m so scared to let him close. Because I’m so terrified of getting hurt by him. I’m so scared of letting him close, and then him not wanting me. So in my heart, that’s been broken so many times before by other individuals, I feel like it’s better to just take preventative measures. Kinda like let me just stop the hurt before it starts.
I keep pushing him away, and holding him at a distance. Not even holding him there. Just wanting him away, or close by forever. But the thing is, he’s not trying to have a romantic relationship, probably because I pushed him away to many times. He’s literally just trying to be the nicest guy in the world. He just wants to be friends. He just comes over and plays hockey with the kids or watches movies or just chills in general. He just wants to be a guy Little E can look up to, so he wants do take him out to like the Black Panther movie and give Little E a positive black role model. He just wants to chat on the phone and have good conversations.
So what do I go ahead and do?
Tell him I can’t handle that. I can’t have him calling me sweetheart because I don’t want to be his sweetheart, I want to be his wife. I tell him I don’t deserve this level of whatever relationship we have. I want more. I deserve more. Every time he’s here and I have to hold back everything I’m truly feeling for him because the kids are around and we’re not dating, we’re just ‘friends’ I hate it. I want to be able to just hug him or kiss him at will, not caring who sees because I don’t care who sees. I love him.
But he’s put these boundaries on me because of his feelings and out of respect for me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He says he’s not ready to give up things in his old lifestyle, and doesn’t want any harm to come to myself and the kids once he gets involved in those things again. And I can’t handle that it feels like all the control was in his hands. I don’t deserve that. I can’t deal with that.
It’s not that he doesn’t treat me with respect and love, he does. It’s that he’s the only person who ever has. And I love it. But I want more. and I can’t handle not having that.
So I pushed him away. Again. And I doubt at this point he will come back.
Not because I was mean or rude… I don’t think. But basically I told him that yes, I obviously still love him. I always have. And I deserve love back. The way he said he loved me. And I won’t accept anything less. Because I’ve learned to love myself the way he himself told me I deserved. So I know what it should feel like.
But I know everyone has free will and gets to make their own choices. Mine will always be to love K. So maybe it was stupid to push him away. Or maybe it was what I needed to see that I wasn’t getting what I deserved from him.
Either way, I still love him.
And I know what love means to him. He didn’t say it lightly. But when he did, it was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, and I will remember all those moments forever.
I love you C, over and over and over.
That will always and forever be my favorite thing I’ve heard.