It Might Seem Crazy What I’m About To Say / Well, Give Me All You Got, Don’t Hold It Back / Don’t Waste Your Time Here’s Why… Because I’m Happy

Yesterday I had a self induced eye opening experience. Actually it was just a thought, or string of thoughts, but it left me basically shocked at myself.

I was sitting at home, pouting about Valentines Day coming up (today) and started thinking about why in the world I’ve let myself get to a point where a single commercialized day could control so much of my emotion. I hate Valentines Day. But why? Well there’s the obvious, because I’ve never celebrated it like you’re “supposed to.” But even more, because everyone who is out there in love, likes to show it. Which I mean good for them, they’ve found something special so go ahead and flaunt it. I know I would. But truth be told, cause you know I will, I just don’t wanna see it because I’m jealous.

But then it lead me to ask why? Why don’t I like seeing all these happy and in love couples just being happy? Because when I sat down and asked myself the all important question last night, I realized, like actually honest to goodness realized, that I’ve never been happy. Which is why I’m jealous, spiteful even.

Sure I’ve had pockets of joy here and there, but I’ve never in my life held joy or happiness for probably more that a 2 week span, and that’s pushing it. Which can only mean one thing. It’s my fault.

For starters I’m well aware I can’t depend on others/outside sources to bring me happiness. That’s not true happiness. That’s dependency. I have to find it from within, and I 100% have not found it yet. I have peace. I have satisfaction. I have calm. I have logic. I have self-control. I have kindness. All from within me, but if I’m being frank (all while being C), I’ve no clue how to “produce” joy or happiness from within. Pathetic? Yes. True? Also yes.

But I’m just being real here. Other than ‘thinking happy thoughts’ what the fuck can an individual do to actually be happy? I’m not talking about short-term happiness, like oh I went out and did an activity with friends or read a book or something else trivial. I’m talking actual real inner happiness, that doesn’t go away.

How do you find that? Or how do you grow/cultivate that?

I’ve only ever wanted to be loved. Because I honest to goodness felt like that was the only thing missing in my life. I felt like being loved or in love would “complete me” somehow. Which is another reason I can’t stand this time of year. But maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s still the deepest desire of my heart to be in love, but maybe that’s not the end all be all.

Maybe I should be searching out happiness from myself, however that works. Then if I’m lucky (which history shows I’m not lol) maybe love will find me.

Anyways, if you have any tips that aren’t stupid (yeah I said that) let me know.

P.S.  Just because it’s funny and I need some joy, my boss just farted. So I thought I’d be immature and share that 🙂


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

17 thoughts on “It Might Seem Crazy What I’m About To Say / Well, Give Me All You Got, Don’t Hold It Back / Don’t Waste Your Time Here’s Why… Because I’m Happy

  1. OMG I foubd myself relating to this post so much so thank you for sharing! I can understand how it can’t have been easy to share your feelings, but the raw nature of expressing exactly how you feel is something very valuable and interesting to read, and I want you to know you’re not alone. For me personally, I find that yes, happiness has to come from within you first, in the sense that you have to know your own value and worth as a person before allowing others to come in and have the opportunity to love you. I believe that the way you treat yourself sets a framework almost for others to measure against how they will treat you, if that makes any sense? (I tend to get carried away in my thoughts sometimes😅), but the point here is your own value is inside of you and no amount of loving from another person defines you as much as the love you have for yourself. Love yourself because you are fabulous! Sure, the thought of being loved is a nice thought (I say thought because I have yet to be loved romantically by someone because of experiences of abuse growing up) and as much as one day I’d like to hope that someone will love me completely so that I can experience this properly, it isn’t something I would consider worth feeling upset over if you get what I mean? Happiness is important and you don’t need a relationship to complete you. My younger sister actually said to me today “I don’t need guys unless they’re bringing me chocolate, but even then I can just go to a chocolate store tomorrow and get reduced valentines chocolates so I’m still winning” and I just had to high five her because YASSSS she summed it up in such a funny way; basically you complete yourself. No one completes you but you; you are your own person. It’s nice to be loved but the love you have for you is important because my kinda mindset is at the end of the day, someone can fall out of love with you, but if you love yourself enough you can never fall out of love with yourself and that kind of love you have for yourself is priceless. So yahh…I hope this comment helped and didn’t lose you too much (sorry for waffling!) but basivally to summarise: love yourself and everything else will fall into place. I hope you are okay 🌟

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  2. I guess I should’ve clarified… I love myself. But I find that I’m not happy… does that even make sense? I still have the desire to be loved, but I know I can’t place the burden of my joy on someone else. It has to come from myself

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  3. Love, I find it funny that this time of year brings us to these thoughts, I realized to that I was kind of feeling funny thru the days approaching this one day in the year which everyone else seems to be so much love and so very happy. But I guess that the fact is, it a is a 24/7 thing a 365 days a year thing. And that no one can make you happy nor complete. Needless to say I had to learn this the hard way. But I found comfort in Jesus, I was made complete in Him. And it made me realize that I needed no one to complete me but to complements me. And finding that takes time, and time is all I have. I greatly appreciate the way you wrote this.
    P.s. I don’t think it is jealousy nor spitefulness. I think it is just an incorrect word to describe that feeling. Because it is was not a negative feeling for you. It was eye opening. Nothing eye opening could ever be called jealousy, ♥

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Nope, I’m for sure jealous in that I want something they have. I’ve blogged about love before, in much more detail, many times. It’s not just this ‘holiday’ it’s my life in general where I feel lacking.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I was single for 5 years before finding my Sunshine. And when I say single I mean SINGLE! Like not even dating, talking to, and definitely not having sex with ANYONE! It was sad at first and I went through this whole period of swearing off love, then wanting it but not wanting to be bothered with it, and then finally just forgetting about it. I went on a few dating sites to pass time and maybe meet a new friend to text while I was up grading papers or lesson planning or just being bored. Nothing happened. Then I ended up getting gravely ill and someone who was barely a friend checked on me the entire time I was in the hospital and the following three weeks I was out of work and we havent stopped texting. You just read the story so I wont bore you again 🙂 Just go on and be the wonderful you that you are and the right circumstance will bring you the right person. Hopefully it isnt as painful and traumatic as my experience! Happy Valentine’s Day ❤

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  6. I think you have to truly just love yourself in order to be happy. I know it sounds simple and maybe silly to some people but you really have to think to yourself things like: I really make myself laugh, I’m a fun person! I think it’s because of things like that I feel happy. You’ve got to truly enjoy your own company without feeling that you need someone else to complete you… if they do come then it’s a bonus! And it’s completely normal to feel jealous of couples on Valentines Day but it should never burden you to the point of misery.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Dude that is super honest. I pray that you do find a permanent happiness. Not one that comes from other people,but one that pours out of you. The kind of happiness that is infectious. A lot of my own happiness comes from perspective…my thinking. What is my focus actual on? Am I comparing? Am I being loving? As corny as it sounds it can be very effective!!

    Thanks for stopping by my blog!!

    -JV

    Liked by 1 person

  8. All my writing is super honest. That’s the best kind in my opinion. Keeps it real. Which is why I think I’m so bothered that I realized I haven’t had happiness… Because I know it’s up to me, so mainly I’m disappointed in myself but I don’t want to admit it. It makes it too real, too hard. So it’s easier (and faker) to pretend that it’s because of other people. But I know where it’s at. And it sucks, but I can only move forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. You know what? that’s ok. You realize that and all you can do is move forward. It is not too late to develop a change in your reality. You may be disappointed in yourself for being in a negative place for so long, but that does that define you for the rest of your life. Small steps are ok. Just surround yourself with love and light as much as possible. You got it.

    -JV

    Liked by 1 person

  10. One cannot and does NOT – “Do” Happy
    One – can only “BE ” Happy
    One is Happy – when One is – being – Happy

    so dont worry – BE Happy 🙂

    Life is as – One has chosen – it to – Be
    so choose Wisely – choose Love – and Be Happy

    Liked by 1 person

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