Yesterday I had a self induced eye opening experience. Actually it was just a thought, or string of thoughts, but it left me basically shocked at myself.
I was sitting at home, pouting about Valentines Day coming up (today) and started thinking about why in the world I’ve let myself get to a point where a single commercialized day could control so much of my emotion. I hate Valentines Day. But why? Well there’s the obvious, because I’ve never celebrated it like you’re “supposed to.” But even more, because everyone who is out there in love, likes to show it. Which I mean good for them, they’ve found something special so go ahead and flaunt it. I know I would. But truth be told, cause you know I will, I just don’t wanna see it because I’m jealous.
But then it lead me to ask why? Why don’t I like seeing all these happy and in love couples just being happy? Because when I sat down and asked myself the all important question last night, I realized, like actually honest to goodness realized, that I’ve never been happy. Which is why I’m jealous, spiteful even.
Sure I’ve had pockets of joy here and there, but I’ve never in my life held joy or happiness for probably more that a 2 week span, and that’s pushing it. Which can only mean one thing. It’s my fault.
For starters I’m well aware I can’t depend on others/outside sources to bring me happiness. That’s not true happiness. That’s dependency. I have to find it from within, and I 100% have not found it yet. I have peace. I have satisfaction. I have calm. I have logic. I have self-control. I have kindness. All from within me, but if I’m being frank (all while being C), I’ve no clue how to “produce” joy or happiness from within. Pathetic? Yes. True? Also yes.
But I’m just being real here. Other than ‘thinking happy thoughts’ what the fuck can an individual do to actually be happy? I’m not talking about short-term happiness, like oh I went out and did an activity with friends or read a book or something else trivial. I’m talking actual real inner happiness, that doesn’t go away.
How do you find that? Or how do you grow/cultivate that?
I’ve only ever wanted to be loved. Because I honest to goodness felt like that was the only thing missing in my life. I felt like being loved or in love would “complete me” somehow. Which is another reason I can’t stand this time of year. But maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s still the deepest desire of my heart to be in love, but maybe that’s not the end all be all.
Maybe I should be searching out happiness from myself, however that works. Then if I’m lucky (which history shows I’m not lol) maybe love will find me.
Anyways, if you have any tips that aren’t stupid (yeah I said that) let me know.
P.S. Just because it’s funny and I need some joy, my boss just farted. So I thought I’d be immature and share that 🙂