The Mood Is Set Don’t Want It To Clash My Body’s Screaming Out Now. I Know You Hearin’ It, You Got Me Moaning Now.

I’m currently sitting in a Starbucks after leaving the gym early.

The creeps are REAL! I’m not normally one to be bothered by annoying guys. Like I can handle myself, but today I was just not in the mood.

I went during my lunch break to workout, looking forward to it (I’ve grown to like it 😁). So I jump on an elliptical to do a quick warm up and during the last maybe two minutes, I notice this guy get on the one right next to me. Not necessarily a big deal… even though there are about 30 other available cardio machines, but I didn’t think much of it. Instead, I finished off and then went to stretch. That’s when I realized he was right near me again. So I finished my stretches and started my workout.

I purposely decided to change the order of my workout and started with an exercise that used a machine where only one was free. So I picked the last available machine and saw him stay and stretch, so I figured it must’ve been a coincidence and went on to forget about him. Once done my sets where I was at, I moved to a machine that used pulleys and had a few sections available (sorry, I have no clue what all the gym contraptions are called. I know how they work, and that’s enough for me). So I’m in the middle of my reps, with my earphones in mind you, and he walks up and asks if he could use the other side of the machine. I didn’t even realize he was talking to me at first because I was concentrating on working out… like I thought everyone did at the gym. So then he got a little closer… kinda uncomfortable in my face close and did a little wave, I had to drop the bar and put out one earphone and he repeated his question. Which was if he could use the other side of the machine. I said sure (obviously, since I don’t own the machine) and put my headphone back in. But then I realized he was still chatting to me, so I had to stop again and pull out the ear piece again to be polite, before he rambled on something about the gym being extra busy today (I didn’t notice, like I said, I was focused on my own workout) and so I just nodded as I shoved my ear phone back in.

I finished my set and went to move on to my next exercise when I saw he intended on following me again. And like I said, normally I can deal with this shit but today I wasn’t having it. So instead of grabbing more weights, I just walked to the change room, and here I am (Well here I was. Now I’m actually finishing off this editing before work Wednesday morning). Finishing my lunch break across from the gym in the Starbucks, having a coffee and ranting about creepy guys at the gym. If I had known every time I went to the gym it was going to be so annoying, I probably wouldn’t have signed up. I honestly just wanna go, do my thing and leave. Without being hit on. Or being reminded of guys I might’ve slept with in the past.

Like it’s not my fault that leggings are far more comfortable to work out in compared to jeans, and they just happen to hug my body much more. I also will not apologize for the fact that I’m wearing a sports bra to hold the girls in. Yep, my nipples sometimes show through the bra and my shirt and yep, you can tell I have it pierced, but I won’t hide that. I’d much rather have pointy nips, than wear my everyday bra and have my boobs jumping all over the place while I’m doing cardio, and actually getting sore. I also don’t wanna sweat up all my regular street clothes since I have to go back to work. I also don’t care about how I look while stretching. I’m stretching my body to avoid tight muscles, not to wiggle my ass at people. I feel like I could go on and on.

I feel like a need a body guard at the gym. Guys. Stop this!

I thought about making my own line of gym tops for women because of this.

Things like:

“These headphones mean I wanna listen to my music… Not you”

“See these muscles, they mean I don’t need your help”

“Use whatever machine you want, just don’t tell me”

“Nope. Shhh. Stop. Don’t.”

“I’m not here for you, I’m here for me”

“I’m here to work out. Not find a guy to go out”

“Unless your line is better than Jay-Z’s, you’re interrupting”

“I’m not taking my earphones out for you”

“PSA! This is a gym, not a club”

“I only have an hour, I don’t wanna spend it with you”

“Go try and pick up those weights, not me”

Wow, C… I’m on a roll! and those are just off the top of my head!!!!! K, I gotta get to work. But I might spend some time investigating some shirt options.

On shelves near you soon! Or probably just via my site lol.


-Rihanna/Skin-

The Scars Of Your Love Remind Me Of Us They Keep Me Thinking That We Almost Had It All

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?

Physically pains you to think about the sheer amount of emotion you have for them?

The desire you have for them to… to just have everything they ever wanted, no matter what it is. You just truly want them to be happy and to succeed, and you know they will. You wish them the best in finding what their heart desires and embracing it wholeheartedly.  The amount of time spent thinking about them. Hoping they are ok. Hoping they are more than just ok. Hoping they are excelling at whatever they are doing in that moment. In any moment. In every moment. Hoping they have friends around them they can trust. Who lift them up, and encourage them, that make them smile, and listen to their thoughts and stories. Keep them safe, laugh with them, debate with them, make sure they are smiling, while helping guide them down their path on the journey they choose.

Have you ever loved someone so much that spending time with them is so bitter sweet? Because while you are with them, it is everything good and comforting you’ve ever known, and so you revel in it. While you’re with them you are constantly thinking of what little things you could do to improve their day, to ease their stress, and brighten their mood.  But when they leave it breaks your heart. Possibly even causes uncalled for tears to escape from your eyes?

Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you dream about them at night? Only to wake up with tears in your eyes and then realize you’re lying in bed alone. Again?

So, in an attempt to eliminate the pain, the pain that happens when they leave. The pain that happens each time you part ways, you do what you think is best, and choose to love yourself. It takes work. And time. And so much effort. But you realized that you have to be stronger. You choose to protect yourself, from that repeated pain. Not that the pain was ever intentional, never, of course not, it only came when they were gone, so it was only their absence that ‘inflicted’ the pain. But that pain was becoming too much. When they started giving you more and more of what your heart so desired, time, touch, everything beautiful…. you feared the day it would stop, because it was so wonderful, but also realized that you didn’t deserve for it to ever stop. You were the perfect woman for this man, you always have been and you deserved to have these things forever.

So one day, after waking up from a night full of dreaming of him, you took all the strength you had in you and your newfound but never lost love you have for yourself, and in the most real, truthful, beautiful, kindest way you knew how, you built up those walls to protect yourself. From losing everything you had ever desired. The perfect man for you. Your love.

Because you needed it. The other people in your life still needed you to properly function daily. They can’t have you walking around crying because you lost the love of your life. So you stop it before it gets to deep. While you feel you would still be able to recover from this loss. Before it became everything you dreamed. In case it ever got to that point. And you lost it.

Of course you still love them, that never stops. And if they asked, you would be with them in a heartbeat.

But for now, you just love from a distance.

To save yourself the pain of the separation. Because that pain isn’t necessary.

You can love someone, but you don’t have to hurt yourself in the process.

As for me?

My love is so deep. And if this was written on paper it would be covered in tear drops. So I don’t know if I retreated in time, because I’m barely functioning.

But I’m also still loving.


-Adele/Rolling In The Deep-

 

Everything I Need, I Got In My Young Love A Teenage Love, Young Love

So, my Little E is not so little any more!

Yesterday we were chilling on the couch (boring back story, but it’s necessary) and talking about how before we could buy a house in Kelowna, we had to sell our house here.

Little E was commented how I should sell our house for $500.00, so I said the couch he was sitting on cost more than double that, imagine how much the whole house cost! His eye’s got so big it was cute. Z rambled on about some Kelowna stuff and then Little E threw me off guard with this little gem.

“Did you see the teenage girl’s thing they sit on?’

What? Here I am all confused about what he’s talking about. I’m honest to god thinking he’s talking about some girl’s couch, based on what we had literally discussed TWO seconds ago, So I went with that lol.

I asked him which girls couch. And he was like no… like the thing they sit on…

OK that didn’t help me at all. So he points to his butt, which is on the couch, and I’m still confused. And so I tell him I need some more explanation. I need more WORDS. Like what in the world are you talking about. What teenage girl? What chair?

So he told me (lol sorry I’m chuckling as I write this), that at church that morning (they had gone with my parents), there was a teenage girl in front of him with a bum. At this point I was already kinda catching on, but I wanted him to be able to be able to articulate what he was thinking and be able to talk to me able this kind of stuff… I was also worried he was going to talk about every girl he saw at the swimming pool on Saturday, so I was relieved when it was just one girl. Singular. Actually a mixed race girl at that, and she’s only about 11. Little E’s first bum crush everyone. Too cute.

So I listened while he said that he just noticed it. And that was all he wanted to say. I asked if it made him feel anything “different” I actually can’t remember the words I used, but I tried a few variations. He just said he looked at it a few times. So I said that’s fine, just try not to stare, we have to be respectful of peoples bodies. Everyone has a bum and glancing or looking is ok, but don’t make comments on other peoples bodies. Like I explained how we shouldn’t talk about it behind their back, and we most definitely shouldn’t judge if they are good or bad. People are people based on not only more than looks, but instead we should think of people in terms that include everything but looks. It what’s inside that is ONLY important. The outside, including what we sit on, is just for functional purposes to get us through this life. That’s why its 100% ok that we all look different. Because it doesn’t matter.

Then I told him I was glad he told me about his feelings and I asked him if I made it awkward.

HE SAID NO AND EVEN GAVE ME A FUCKING HIGH-FIVE!

You guys, my seven and a half year old just approached me on his own, told me he found a particular “teenage girls thing she sits on” appealing, and I managed to not make the conversation awkward according to him.

I’m definitely winning at this whole mom thing.


-Chris Brown/Young Love-

I’m Standing Up, I’mma Face My Demons I’m Manning Up, I’mma Hold My Ground I’ve Had Enough, Now I’m So Fed Up Time To Put My Life Back Together Right Now

Well. I have outdone myself.

I once again let fear get the best of me. How, C did you manage to fuck up this time you may be wondering? Fair question, since there are a vast number of scenarios that are probably cascading through your minds if you are a long term reader.

Welp. This time, I managed to push away someone, nay, probably the only one in my life who currently was making any effort of caring for me. The reason? I was scared. Scared of getting to close. Scared of forming any kind of bond. Scared of making a connection that could possibly be broken.

So in my very twisted mind, I figured I should stop it before it even started. Except that it’s not the first time I’ve tried to stop this particular relationship. In fact it’s probably been at least a handful of times I’ve pushed K away, and he keeps gracefully coming back. Which I’m so thankful for.

But that’s my problem. I know I love him. More than I’ve ever loved or thought possible to love anyone ever. And that’s why I’m so scared to let him close. Because I’m so terrified of getting hurt by him. I’m so scared of letting him close, and then him not wanting me. So in my heart, that’s been broken so many times before by other individuals, I feel like it’s better to just take preventative measures. Kinda like let me just stop the hurt before it starts.

I keep pushing him away, and holding him at a distance. Not even holding him there. Just wanting him away, or close by forever. But the thing is, he’s not trying to have a romantic relationship, probably because I pushed him away to many times. He’s literally just trying to be the nicest guy in the world. He just wants to be friends. He just comes over and plays hockey with the kids or watches movies or just chills in general. He just wants to be a guy Little E can look up to, so he wants do take him out to like the Black Panther movie and give Little E a positive black role model. He just wants to chat on the phone and have good conversations.

So what do I go ahead and do?

Tell him I can’t handle that. I can’t have him calling me sweetheart because I don’t want to be his sweetheart, I want to be his wife. I tell him I don’t deserve this level of whatever relationship we have. I want more. I deserve more. Every time he’s here and I have to hold back everything I’m truly feeling for him because the kids are around and we’re not dating, we’re just ‘friends’ I hate it.  I want to be able to just hug him or kiss him at will, not caring who sees because I don’t care who sees. I love him.

But he’s put these boundaries on me because of his feelings and out of respect for me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He says he’s not ready to give up things in his old lifestyle, and doesn’t want any harm to come to myself and the kids once he gets involved in those things again. And I can’t handle that it feels like all the control was in his hands. I don’t deserve that. I can’t deal with that.

It’s not that he doesn’t treat me with respect and love, he does. It’s that he’s the only person who ever has. And I love it. But I want more. and I can’t handle not having that.

So I pushed him away. Again. And I doubt at this point he will come back.

Not because I was mean or rude… I don’t think. But basically I told him that yes, I obviously still love him. I always have. And I deserve love back. The way he said he loved me. And I won’t accept anything less. Because I’ve learned to love myself the way he himself told me I deserved. So I know what it should feel like.

But I know everyone has free will and gets to make their own choices. Mine will always be to love K. So maybe it was stupid to push him away. Or maybe it was what I needed to see that I wasn’t getting what I deserved from him.

Either way, I still love him.

And I know what love means to him. He didn’t say it lightly. But when he did, it was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, and I will remember all those moments forever.

I love you C, over and over and over.

That will always and forever be my favorite thing I’ve heard.


-Eminem/Not Afraid-

Cause We Dope Girls We Flawless, We The Poster Girls For All This / I’m Feelin’ Myself

The dreaded swimsuit.

I have put off buying a new bathing suit for myself for years (no exaggeration) because like the majority of females, I hate it. Pure and simple. Last time I attempted to take my kids swimming a few months ago, my halter style suit’s neck strap broke while I was getting it on and as a  result we never went. That was the first time I’d been swimming in over a year at least, and I never even made it in the water. So, since I no longer trust E to take the kids to the pool, and it’s an important part of any childhood, I decided that I needed to get to the mall and put myself through the torture in order to enrich my kids lives.

Ok. So since it’s not really swimsuit season, I knew from the jump my options would be limited as far as stores that would be carrying them now. I headed straight to the specialty store that sells only swimming gear. I figured that would be as good as any place to start.

My normal go-to as far as what I like for style? Black, and one piece. Which pretty much describes my entire wardrobe so why change it up when it comes to the water right? I thought I’d try on some of those styles that are out now, where the one piece cuts high on the leg, and then has a low back, and low.. I dunno what you call it… armpit hole?  You know, fairly simple. So I take a few options in the change room and prepare for the worst.

Well I didn’t prepare myself enough. Because as per usual, I forgot that every one piece is made for someone who is between 5’2 and  5’7 at most. Now me, who’s pushing the upper edge of 5’9 found that to be so unenjoyable. It’s not that I couldn’t get them on. Naw that part was fine. It fit everything fine until you reach the boobs. Because, apparently every bathing suit was designed for tits that were 4 inches below mine. The sales lady was like “Oh I’ll just loosen the straps for you” I’m like no thanks, I’d rather not have saggy boobs” I just want a suit where the cups are up where my boobs are. So then she thinks she has a brilliant suggestion of going up a size or two. Ummm? Why? So I can have a saggy ass when I step out of the water?

I tried on 5-6 suits at that one location and they all had the same problem no matter what the style, so I moved on to another store. At the next store, I had similar issues and was getting frustrated, until I found one that had no cups because the whole front was lace up, so therefore the boob issue was non-existent since you could tighten it up as much as you needed and I actually liked it. The cost? $156.00. Yeah, no thanks. I’m not paying that much for a suit that’s going to give me ridiculous tan lines and not even protect the girls from nipple-gate. But it was sexy as hell…. in case anyone wants to invest in it for me 😛 j/k.

So then I decided to take a break from the bathing suit shopping since I had all but given up by then. In my attempt to distract myself however, I did find the PERFECT red lipstick! Rihanna’s Stunna lip paint is amazing you guys. I have been on the hunt for the perfect red for years now and this is worth every bit of the $30+ I paid for it. Especially considering I’ve spent probably close to $100 total on others that I’ll just be tossing in favour of this now. It goes on great, stays on all day, doesn’t bleed, like everything about it was perfect. So that was a positive turn in my day. I highly recommend it.

I decided to try one more lingerie store on the way out just on a whim, I wasn’t even sure they sold bathing suits to be honest, I was just browsing. But I saw a couple in the back and I figured I might as well.

I found THREE that I liked! (La Vie En Rose for those of you wanting to know… worth checking out) It was the most successful bathing suit shopping trip I’ve ever had! I only bought one, because there’s no need to be excessive, but I love it. It fits me so well, and I feel great in it!

I can with 100% honesty say this is the first time in my adult life that I have felt good in a bathing suit. Actually scratch that. I don’t just look good. I look gooooood. Like damn good.

I took the kids swimming after Little E’s hockey game today (which they won, I know it doesn’t seem important, but it’s their first win all season so I have to shout him out), and I actually found myself looking at myself in the mirror and being happy with it. And not just happy, but like impressed. lol. Like I look the best I’ve looked in longer then I can remember.

The suit hides all my stretch marks, and hugs all my curves. It has just the right amount of sexiness, because I’m a mom but not a grandma, and for the first time, (I wanna say in a long time, but it would be more honest to just leave it at: for the first time… ever) I felt confident, and beautiful, and sexy, and hot, and perhaps even desirable.

And it was in a fucking swimsuit no less.

I’ve come a long way you guys.


-Nicki Minaj Ft. Beyonce/Feeling Myself-

Girl Look At That Body, I Work Out. When I Walk In The Spot, This Is What I See Everybody Stops And They Staring At Me

So today I finally signed up for Good Life gym. I did a little research on a few different gyms, and this one just seemed to fit my needs the best. There’s one literally right down the street from work downtown right now, plus one close by my current home. There’s also one in Kelowna for once we’ve moved, and there’s no transfer fee so that’s decent I guess. I managed to milk my membership for all it’s worth though lol. I signed up for the two year membership, which cuts down on the monthly fee, and I plan on using both here and once I move long term so why not get a cheaper rate if I know I’ll be sticking with it right? I also got them to give me 6 weeks free access before my fees kick in instead of the 4 week offer that’s currently on, just because I’m amazing like that. I also still asked for the 3 free visits before the 6 weeks free starts, because, well why not right?

As soon as I walked in the door though, I remembered why I’ve avoided the mass market style gyms for so long:

  • Girls going at like level one on the treadmill not even breaking a sweat, but shaking that booty juuuuust enough.
  • Guys walking around with their chests puffed out, making laps around the gym (behind the above mentioned chicks on treadmills of course), but I never actually saw them lift a weight.
  • 4-5 staff members standing around the front desk, gossiping about who knows what….Loudly.
  • The gym selfie people. Either the guy just finished a huge set and thinks his veins are popping, or the girl is perfectly poised to start her hot yoga class. All there in droves, posting to instagram stories I’m sure.
  • Girls travelling in packs like if they separate from the group, the weak ones will be picked off by the ravenous looking men. (It’s a thing, trust me)

All that fun stuff. Plus throw in the mix 2 guys I recognized from… well you know what from. I don’t even remember their names to be honest. All I know, is once I got changed and started my workout, Creep A (since I can’t remember his name) “casually” moved right to the machine smack dab in front of me to use.

I’m seriously doing EVERYTHING I can to focus on my squats and ignore him. I pull my hat brim down low, my music is up high, I’m literally looking straight past him trying to focus on my form and count off reps… But I can’t help notice that he’s only benching as much as I can, well that and the fact he had the worst sweat on his pants down the middle of his ass crack.

It’s like, dude. First off, I know it was only a one night stand, but why did I ever give this guy a chance? Secondly, buddy, don’t try and impress a chick by benching less than 100, just a little hint. Like I know we all have to start somewhere, and I’m 100% for each of us taking steps towards bettering ourselves, cause look at me, prime example here. But guys. Honestly. Don’t try to impress a girl by benching one plate, and looking like you’re struggling. It’s not attractive in the littlest bit. A girl wants to at least imagine that you can sweep her off her feet while fantasizing about y’all, even if it’ll never happen. You struggling with one plate just wipes all illusion about that away. Just a tip (that’s what she said). If you can’t bench more than that, but really wanna try and catch her eye, then walk away and do something you’re good at, which I’m going to assume is the treadmill or something cardio related, judging by all that swass.

Anyways, I finished my squats while ignoring him and moved on to some deadlifts, and I could see he had missed my switch, because while I’m in the middle of my set and watching my form in the mirror, I see him come around the corner scanning the room, blatantly obvious that he was still looking for me. Once he spotted me he ducked back behind the wall, not at all subtle, but 5 seconds later walks back in to a bar near me again.  Ok Creep A. If you wanna hit me up, just grow some balls and come up to me and talk to me, so I can turn you down face to face. Don’t stalk me around the gym while it’s obvious to everyone there that I’m trying to pretend like you don’t exist. Some other guy actually asked me if Creep A was bothering me, that’s how noticeable it was.

I realized upon leaving though, that this is probably going to be something I’ll have to deal with. Being the downtown location of a “brand name” popular gym, and the fact that I like guys who stay in shape (not exhibited in creep A)… This is most likely not going to be the only time I see guys I’ve slept with there. So I guess it is what it is. The one upside I can think of now, is that at least my body looks 50 pounds better than when any of them saw it naked.

And it only goes up from here.

Or down I guess lol. I don’t plan on gaining that weight back.


-LMFAO/Sexy And I Know It-

Why Do I Give Valuable Time To People Who Don’t Care If I Live Or Die / In My Life Why Do I Smile At People Who I’d Much Rather Kick In The Eye?

Frustrated. I guess that would be the only way to suitably and simply describe how I’m feeling now.

I’m stuck when it comes to my divorce. I feel any move I attempt to make will only be detrimental to my case and I hate that feeling.

Last you heard, I had contacted my lawyer and he sent an email saying something along the lines of us being very close to completion, but I just had to update my Legal Aid file. But when I contacted Legal Aid, they informed my that there was in fact nothing wrong with my file, but while they had me on the phone, they decided to do an update on my file.

I knew that would only turn out bad for myself since I know I make more than the limit now allowed for coverage by them. Turns out I was right. The lady on the phone said they would contact my lawyer, informing him of the situation. If the case was near completion (which it technically was, as mentioned by my lawyer, but knowing E it could still take years) then they would allow him to finish it off under my files current ticket with the subsidized coverage. If my lawyer felt it still had a lot longer to go, then he would have to wrap up whatever had been done thus far, and I could choose to either proceed with him, at full cost, or find a new lawyer, again paying full price.

Fast forward to today… and I still haven’t heard from ANYONE. So I feel like if I make a move and reach out to anyone, it might shine light on circumstances that might be better left hidden ie how much I make. Maybe my lawyer is wrapping things up and we are almost done like his previous email said, although that was like Christmas time-ish if I’m not mistaken so I’m doubtful that’s the case.

Agh, I just hate my divorce being basically controlled by others who realllllly don’t give a fuck. No-one cares that I’ve been dealing with this shit for FOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKEN DRAWN OUT MESSED UP ANNOYING AS ALL HELL YEARS. 

Four years. I could’ve gotten a University degree. Shit I could’ve been over halfway to becoming my own Lawyer at this point. At least then I would’ve known that without a doubt my legal counsel had my best interests in mind at all times. But nope. I’m sitting here feeling like my hands are tied. My lawyer doesn’t care, and E is just playing his continuous games.

If I had wanted to remain married for 8.5 years, I would’ve just stayed with E in Kenya.

I don’t.

I didn’t

I want to be divorced from that man.

Now.

And forever.

I’m not waiting for death to part us.


-The Smiths/Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now-