God’s Plan I Hold Back, Sometimes I Won’t / Still Bad Things It’s A Lot Of Bad Things That They Wishin’ On Me

So my house is up for sale. The listing went live on Jan 25th (last Thursday) and there was one showing booked for Sunday that got cancelled last-minute, and now another one for tomorrow. So I’m feeling hopeful that at least people are interested in the place enough to want to come see it in person. But I’ll admit it’s been stressful. Keeping it clean and show ready at all times. I’ve obviously never sold a house before, and so just all the random thoughts that cross my mind every once in a while are crazy. Like “what if it doesn’t sell?”

I honestly hadn’t even considered it until Sunday when the first showing was cancelled. But for real? What in the world will I do if it doesn’t sell? I can’t even begin to let my mind wander down that path. I’m fairly confident just from the amount of activity we’ve had on it in such a short time that someone will scoop it up, so I’m just going to stay focused on the positive. And also keep an eye open for a new place. Everything so far has turned out to be a dud, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that with the spring coming, that more listings will pop up…I hope? But no, for real. more people want to move in the summer time so they list their property in the spring-ish in hopes to move while kids are out of school, snows off the road etc. Either way I’ve been checking the new listings probably 3 times a day just to make sure. Over kill? Totally. But I want to make sure I’m one of the first to see a new place once it goes up.

Other than that, work’s been decent. I got another bonus this week so I’ll stash that away for the down payment, which all thanks to me (yes, I’m throwing not so subtle shade at y’all) has been growing slowly.

The gym/training has been great. I only have 3-4 more sessions with my trainer left and I haven’t decided what I’m doing after that. Most gyms here require a membership or a contract in order for you to go and I don’t wanna sign some stupid 2 year contract to a gym if I’m moving in 5-6 months, but on the other hand, I don’t want to stop all the progress I’ve made and stop going all together. So I’ve got to think my options through. My co-worker suggested I go to each new gym in the area for their free 2 week trial until we move lol so I guess that’s an option. Currently the top contender is a small gym close to work that I could join on a month to month basis. But this gym is geared more towards heavy lifting, which I have been doing with my trainer, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable signing up to go to a gym where there will be a bunch of butch guys walking around, when I’m still not 100% sure what I’m doing. So I guess yeah I’m just still self-conscious.

My kids are doing good. Well they’re always doing good, although little E said something quite disconcerting to me the other day. He asked outta no-where if I hear voices in my head. So of course red lights went up so fast because of their dad. I tried to casually ask what he meant, and he continued…

He said he talks to voices that he hears in his head. So I said we all have our inner voice that we talk to, like we have conversations with our self in our minds. But then he continued by saying he actually HEARS them. Audibly.  And then he went on to say that he has 5 different voices. Each with a different voice/sound/distinction. So I asked him what do they say? Because now I’m becoming a little more concerned. And he says he can only hear 2 of them distinctly, but he knows the 5 are there. He’s not sure exactly what they say, but he can hear the different sounds they make. So I suggested to him that he just use his own thoughts to control the voices, and make sure he is always choosing to listen to the voice that is his own.

But I’ll be honest, I’m worried. There’s no “test” persay for schizophrenia. In fact when I was dealing with E first being diagnosed, I asked many doctors if I could’ve known before, or what to look out for, and they all said pretty much the same thing. Until there is a full-on meltdown/mental breakdown there is no way of knowing for sure. But I don’t want to let little E get to that point. I don’t want him living with voices in his head from such a young age and having him think it’s normal. I want to do whatever I can to stop it, or help it BEFORE it progresses to a point of no return. I don’t want him to start listening to those voices more than the world around him like his dad did. I want everything good and happy and nice for him.

So when I hear him tell me that he has specifically labeled 5 distinct voices in his head, that he can HEAR, not just in his mind, but he hears them talking, so much so that he turns to see if they are there… that highly concerns me. I think I’m totally within my right to look into some preventative…..things? I don’t even know what options are out there, but you can know for sure I’ll be researching them.

I don’t want to leave him until he has a total break down before someone takes me seriously. I take him seriously. So if you have any recommendations on paranoid schizophrenia, and preventative measures, pass them along. Because I know how bad his dad is, and I NEVER want that for little E.


-Drake/God’s Plan-

 

 

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