Not ‘Cause She Ain’t Livin’ / And This Here Ain’t A Scrimmage Mothafucka, We Ain’t Finished

This morning I woke up determined to have a good day. Actually that’s a lie. I woke up about an hour before my alarm having to pee. So after I used the bathroom and crawled back into bed, Z walked into my room and asked to snuggle. So I pulled her up and tucked her in then listened to her fall back asleep.

Then I laid there and started crying as quietly as possible as to not wake her again.

Like I’ve done most days for the past little while.

But as I laid there and tears rolled down my face silently, I looked over and saw Z sleeping. Peacefully. Because she trusts me. No matter how fucked up things have been for me, my kids trust me to care for them and take care of them. They trust me enough to sleep easy at night. So I can’t fuck it up.

I have to make it work.

I have to keep pushing through.

Even though last night I felt like giving up to the point I planned out exactly how I would do it…give up, my kids trust me. Maybe they shouldn’t, but they do.

So I gathered her in my arms and held her while I cried and decided that I would just have to take all the shit the universe sends my way for the sake of my kids. Maybe. just maybe, if I take enough of the burden, there will be less evil for them to bear later down the road.

To watch her wake up and snuggle me and see her love… was hard to hold the tears back in front of her. But instead we put on the music, and started our day.

I put on my big girl pants and a smile determined to make the best of whatever I have. I still have no idea how I’m going to make up the money deficit I have, but I decided to try to do it with dignity and grace. To try and make my kids proud. Because for some reason, they believe in me.

So I got up and got ready for the day. I put on a full face of make-up which is rare. I attempted a new hair style, which sort of worked out. I made myself a proper lunch and even grabbed an apple for breakfast. And then headed out the door to greet the day.

Well literally ONE step out my back door, and the world was like “nope. not today C” because I slipped on the ice and fell right on my ass. For a split second I considered staying there. Honest to god, I thought maybe I should just take the fucking hint already, and not get up this time. I should just call into work and crawl back into my pajama’s and back into bed and NEVER get out. How nice would that be?

But instead Z asked if I was ok, and I lied and said yes, dragged myself up, wiped myself off, and here I am at work.

Again.

I really was initially determined to have a good day. And I really don’t want all my posts to be just me complaining about life.

So with that said, my next post which is inspired by a title I glanced over yesterday, is a work in progress (which is RARE, since I normally write all my posts in one sitting, about whatever’s on my mind at the moment), and won’t be about my day-to-day life. The post I saw was called something like “What would be in my dating profile if it were completely honest.” Which I thought would be fun and refreshing.

No, I’m not looking to meet/date anyone new right now. Nor am I looking to write any profiles for any dating websites/apps anytime soon, but just thought this would be a fun glimpse at me.

Plus it gives me something to focus on other than my body aching from the car accident and the fall, or my financial issues. So you can look forward to that, although *spoiler alert* I”m pretty much exactly how I seem in my blog… So I doubt there will be many surprises lol.


-Rihanna N.E.R.D./Lemon-

23 thoughts on “Not ‘Cause She Ain’t Livin’ / And This Here Ain’t A Scrimmage Mothafucka, We Ain’t Finished

  1. I really hope that things brighten for you! I can relate on a couple levels and I’m sorry that life is throwing so many challenges your way. Keep your head up and push through… there’s definitely light at the end of the tunnel!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kids are still close to their soul and connected to God/Source/Spirit. If Z believes – you start believing. This path may have thrown you into sucky sucky land, but just remember to keep moving. Don’t setup camp here! Keep moving foward and just believe like Z❤️ It worked for me.

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  3. lovely Also, it might help if you just focus on one moment at a time. For example, I have parts of my week that I don’t like doing, and I find myself getting all uptight and pissed off about doing them in the future. I have to remind myself of what’s fine RIGHT NOW. Even as you were sitting on the ground, there was probably something that was okay right then. It takes practice, and I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I felt compelled to give it for some reason 😉

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  4. “Well literally ONE step out my back door, and the world was like “nope. not today C” because I slipped and fell right on my ass. For a split second I considered staying there. Honest to god, I thought maybe I should just take the fucking hint already, and not get up this time. I should just call into work and crawl back into my pajama’s and back into bed and NEVER get out. How nice would that be?”

    I don’t know if I should laugh or cry at that, but frankly speaking, I was actually smiling at the way you described it. I’m sure its not funny when one falls and the others laugh. But I belong to the category of people who do have this evil smile but still give a hand to raise them up.

    Btw, from today onwards, you are “the” ONLY blog I will follow in this blogosphere. Here’s my blog post about you;

    https://aatayyab.wordpress.com/2018/01/21/its-official-i-follow-only-one-blog/

    Liked by 1 person

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