Through Waters Uncharted My Soul Will Embark I’ll Follow Your Voice Straight Into The Dark And If From The Course You Intend I Depart Speak To The Sails Of My Wandering Heart

No “new year, new me” junk in my trunk.

I’m a woman built on all my failures, and all my triumphs. I didn’t change dramatically overnight, no one does. I’ve blossomed over all my days and years on this earth to become who I am today.

Someone who still struggles with this life, but I’m learning more and more every day.

I’m discovering who I am, and why I’m here. I’m learning that we are all here for a purpose. And I’m learning to be more sensitive to that nudge that is leading me to my purpose. Once in a while the nudge will move me ever so gently, and sometimes it’s like an unwelcome fucken’ tidal wave and pushes me over the edge, whatever/whereever that edge may be,  but I’m being moved in the right direction I think. Actually I know.

Because I know I’m moving forward. Sometimes at a more graceful pace than other times. Once in a while, I fall smack dab on my face and get massive road rash across my nose or chin, but I get up and start again. But it’s not like I have to start fresh or from the beginning, I just continue to move onward from where I landed. And if you truly stop to think about it… even falling flat on your face is technically moving forward, so… there’s that.

So, in moving forward, I’ve been busy purging my house room by room. Which to be fair to my house keeping skills isn’t that difficult, since I don’t keep that much extra crap around. But I’m trying to get it ready to list, hopefully within the next couple weeks, maybe sooner. I should really set a “goal” date to do that by, but I’m not good at setting those types of deadlines. I’m more of a “let’s just get it done when it seems best”, and so far in my life, it’s worked for me. By the end of January though for sure I wanna have it up for sale.

It’s nerve-racking to say the least, because if I list it too soon, and it DOES sell quickly, but we don’t have a place in Kelowna until June… then my only option right now is moving BACK in with my parents for the interim. Which is not my ideal situation, so if you feel up to it, pray or send good vibes or do what you do when you want something to happen,  to try and help this whole transition go over smoothly, and in a timely manner, hopefully avoiding the whole parental house situation. But, I’m also aware if I don’t list it soon enough, I might not sell it in time, and that could also jeopardize the move. AGHHH, adulting is so difficult sometimes. I just really don’t wanna live with my parents again. Like at all. Like zero part of me wants it. Not even the random hair on back of my left ankle that I can never seem to shave properly is rooting for that scenario.

I was over there last week because my mom was having car issues so I took her grocery shopping, even after I suggested an Uber… actually even after I offered to pay for an Uber for her, but could tell she was going to pout all day and probably bring it up at a future family event, how she gave birth to me or something else she did for me in the past, but I couldn’t drive her for groceries. Anyways, so after just spending those few hours alone with her was enough for me to confirm that she is such a narcissist. But she passes it off as caring. It’s the weirdest thing. She needs to have complete control over others, most likely because her inner self is so chaotic, so it gives her some semblance of peace. Or she just gets a high off of it. We’ll really never know. But she’s just doing her. It’s good I guess. For her.

She asks too many personal questions in my opinion, for instance, in this visit alone, she asked about my finances (how much EXACTLY do I have saved for my house, and of course the answer was not enough). Am I on birth control (what? I literally started it a week before, but she probably asked because K was at Christmas Eve at her place and so assumes we’re messin’ around, which was assumed correctly). How much do I weigh now (because now she’s doing intermittent fasting, and obviously want’s everyone to do as she does, which is hard because she switches fad’s more often than normal people switch underwear). And on and on it went.

And I realized, I don’t care. Sure, she can ask questions about me. That’s her choice. As for me? I’ve decided I’ll answer with complete honesty, since I have nothing to hide. Well some things I probably should hide according to social norms, but hey, she asked, and I don’t care because I’m proud of my life. She wants to dig around in my sex life? Too bad if she doesn’t like the answers, I’m not embarrassed. She thinks I haven’t saved enough? I’m actually pretty proud so far, even if I can’t buy a $500,000.00 house, I’m a single mom, and I can honestly say I think I’m doing damn fine. My weight? Good with me. I’ve made changes to my body that I know will stick because they weren’t due to the latest trend or some extreme diet or for anyone else. I did it slowly and steadily, and I like what I see when I look in the mirror, much more than I did before. Is there room for improvement? Duh, but I’ll do it my way, because this is what gives ME confidence, not because I’m trying to make someone else happy.

What I won’t accept though, is when she starts handing out unsolicited advice. Or looking down on me for the choices I’ve made or am making. I will make my own decisions, and live my life how I choose to and do so with dignity and confidence. I do not judge others on their choices, and although I don’t like them sometimes, or they wouldn’t be the choice I would make, I would never look down on someone because of that, or spend countless hours trying to make them see or do it my way.

If they wanted to have a chat about my choices and why I do things the way I do,  without trying to change them, then I would be up for that, but I wouldn’t feel “less than” if they left the conversation still wanting to do things their own way. So when she started going in on me for certain things I’m doing and why they’re “wrong” at least to her, that’s when I began to push back. And she was not happy. Unfortunately, too bad for her.

I wasn’t rude, or mean. I just stood up for my choices, even though they were contrary to what she would have done, or at least said she would have done. When it comes down to the wire, everyone’s actions speak louder than words.

So, I’ve decided to keep my actions, words, and thoughts, pure and true to myself.

The worlds gonna do what it’s gonna do.

People might say one thing, and turn around and do another, maybe to impress someone, or out of fear, they back away from their original choice, or for any number of reasons they don’t defend their thoughts and choices and decisions and beliefs.  But I’ve decided, really… what do I fear?

Nothing.

Nothing here in this immediate world presents enough of a threat to me, for me to turn around and change who I am and what I stand for. Because of what? What they THINK of me? I know what I THINK of myself. And that is where all the power lies. So I will make my choices. Some of them may be “bad” to others. Some of them not the ones you would make. But they are my choices. And I hold them. I back them up with my thoughts and beliefs. And either way, we can’t go back to change them.

Because time moves forward.

Thus, no ‘new year, new me’. I’m built on everything that came before, and continue to grow in that. I cannot change anything in the past, nor would I want to. I can only move forward and grow, learn, and love. Well I could move forward and not grow, as many do, they just move forward with time, without expanding their mind and spirit and soul, but that shit ain’t for me.

I’m CHOOSING to grow. And to stand firm in my choices. Because they are mine. They make me, me.

And who wouldn’t want that. To be the person your choices make you.

Choose wisely, because frankly at this point, the past choices no longer matter. It is only the decisions moving forward that have any further impact on who we become.

So think now. Long and hard. Who do you want to become.

From this point on.

Because that’s all that’s left.


-Hillsong United/Captain-

 

 

One thought on “Through Waters Uncharted My Soul Will Embark I’ll Follow Your Voice Straight Into The Dark And If From The Course You Intend I Depart Speak To The Sails Of My Wandering Heart

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