And now ladies and gentlemen, what you’ve all been waiting for (lol)
My brutally honest and never to be used (since I have zero desire to open a dating profile again) dating profile.
First, let me start off by saying, like most of you, I have no idea how to properly start this thing. How do I ‘sell’ myself to someone I’ve never met? How do I know what they’re looking for? How do I know what they’re not looking for and what might scare “you”… my potential “perfect” man away? But in the spirit of this post, I’m just going to be honest… in my good ‘ole C fashion. Which trust me lol is going to scare you all away anyways.
So, let’s get the basics out-of-the-way. I believe in the dating world its “ASL” or for us newbies- Age, Sex, Location. (Ok, so I just realized I’m not going to reveal everything like location, due to some privacy but you’ll get my drift lol).
Age. I’m officially old. I hit the 30’s in October which I’m feeling fine about, since age doesn’t bother me, it really is just a number. In the past I haven’t ever made a big deal about my birthday, but they actually are important to me. I think I just let them slide because no-one close to me felt the need to congratulate the fact that I survived another year on this earth with a big celebration. So if you want to date me, it is important to me that you at least acknowledge my birthday with a small gift, or even better, arrange for a special date night. This would be even better is you repeated it every year on my birthday because, surprise surprise, those things continue each year on the same day until I die. I don’t expect fancy gifts, or even want big expensive presents. I prefer time spent together and just the fact that you remember and are happy that I’m still alive and was born however many years ago is so valuable to me. Because without my birthday, you wouldn’t have found the woman of your dreams.
Sex. Well, I’m very much a female, whose looking for a manly man. I don’t mean a man who needs to walk around in red plaid and suspenders swinging an axe all the time, but I also mean… A MAN. Like ok, I like the fact that men can grow beards, and can for the most part, grow amazing beautiful big muscles that just looks good on them (hey this is my honesty), but I also like the ones who recognize that men and women are different and are sensitive to that separation. I’m not talking about keeping woman in the kitchen type shit(more on my kitchen skills, or lack thereof later) I mean a man who will understand that my body is made different and yes, our minds sometimes work different and our emotions can be different. But most importantly he understands that that difference is NOT weakness. So yes, I am a female with female curves and female hormones and a very female vagina. Please be a male with original working parts. I’d like to use them often.
Location… Welp, that’s for me to know.
Next, Imma let you know straight off the bat that I have two kids that are better than any you’ve met before. Yes, they are from the same dad. No, I’m not a skank who slept around and ramdomly got pregnant. Well I have slept around, but never produced a kid from it. My offspring are both from a marriage that failed miserably. Yes, their Dad is still kinda in the picture. They see him about once or twice a month for a few hours each time. No, he doesn’t ever call. No, he never just “pops by’ the house for a visit. No, he is not going to be an issue. I’m technically still married though because he has still not signed the divorce papers yet. Yes I’m trying to push the divorce through faster, but sometimes life is just not on my side.
So anyways, my kids. I treat them like actual humans with real and valuable emotions. They have chores and responsibilities around the house to learn that the world is not handed to them on a silver platter but some things are earned. I teach them manners and about respect. I explain to them that loving themselves is the most important thing though because it sets a precedent on how you should expect others to treat you. I would appreciate and enjoy any potential partner to act as a father figure, but since these are my children, for some reason I would feel that ultimately, the parenting decisions for these kids are my choice, and would be based upon the above principles although I would hope that we could enforce the rules as a team. In the future however, should we choose to have children of our own, then how we choose to raise those children would have to be decided on 100% mutually. Although I can tell you right now, that yep I do support spanking in a controlled environment as long as it’s not done out of anger. I think the parent is first and foremost a parent. Kids will have plenty of friends in their lives, but a parents role is to mold and shape the humans of the future, so I have to make sure I’m teaching them as much as possible about right from wrong, about kindness and love. My goal is not to try and make my kids like me. But make them love me long-term for the heart and soul I instill in them.
Next, I’m actually expecting big things from a partner as far as a social life. Right now, I don’t get out much. I don’t have a ton of friends due to many moves around the world, changes in jobs, and basically cutting off a lot of dead weight in my life as far as social situations go. So I’d love it if the guy I date would actually do things with me. I know this seems like given, but it hasn’t been in my life, so it’s extra important to me. It would knock me off my feet if a man planned a date from start to finish for me. It would show me that he cared enough about me to invest the time thinking about what I might enjoy and then following through in arranging it for me (I’m actually still shocked that this happens in the real world).
Some things I would like to do? Please no movies or boring coffee dates, although I understand those are good for just getting out of the house every once in a while. But I honest to goodness crave adventure. I wanna go to an amusement park and go on the roller coasters. I wanna go to the shooting range and shoot guns (so much fun) I want to go quading and snowmobiling. I want to own a boat one day and just spend the day speeding around and drinking beers on the lake. Take me sky diving. Book us a mini holiday to a warm beach somewhere, heck take me on a cruise! And please, please for the love of everything good take me dancing. No matter how bad you may think I suck in comparison to you, I love to dance. So take me dancing, and be good at it. But never ever take me camping in a tent. Not unless you previously set it all up and plan on cooking every meal yourself over the fire pit and are ok with me sitting in a super comfy recline lawn chair that you personally packed me, along with my favorite book by my favorite author (Ted Dekker) covered in bug spray. Nope scratch that, you built me a gazebo with a full mosquito net around my chair, that still lets the sun through, cause a girls gotta tan. Yeah… you should just probably plan on never going camping with me.
That being said, I like my alone time. I’m an independent woman, I don’t have to be with you every second of every day. I honestly don’t even have to know what you’re doing all the time. Like if I say I trust you, then I trust you. Just don’t be shady about shit k? You wanna go out with the guys? By all means have at ‘er. I would hope you would feel free to tell me you’re going. It’s called communication, it’s how properly functioning adult relationships thrive. You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not your mom. ‘Cause I know you’re coming home to me, and not only that, but I would trust that you’re not messing around while you’re out. Because you chose me to be in relationship with. Just how I would expect the same level of trust from you. And if you don’t think you could do that, then move along.
Ummm, other honest little tidbits about me. I only shower every other day. I have never had any complaints about my body odour, not even from my mom who would make it known loud and clear if there was the least bit of a smell. Now, if I’ve worked up a sweat or get dirty, I’ll obviously bathe, but on a normal day-to-day basis, it’s every second day. Speaking of working up a sweat. I’ve recently lost almost 50 pounds, as well as started working out with a trainer. I actually love going to the gym, but with my kids its been difficult to go as often as I would like and I’m hoping once I move, I’ll be able to go more like 4-5 times a week as opposed to twice like now. Currently, I just work out with my trainer, but eventually I think it would be fun to work out with my boyfriend/S.O. every once in a while. I think it would be a great bonding experience, motivational, and I see zero downside of staying healthy together.
Staying in the vein of healthy, I’m not the best cook in the world, just because I find no joy in it. I’m probably not even the best cook in my house and I only live with my two kids. But I do my best to provide them with a balanced diet that includes all the food groups and teach them to eat until they’re satisfied. So if you can cook? Well that’s a huge bonus. But if not, I haven’t killed anyone yet from my cooking (that I know of) and I’ll always try my best…actually that’s a lie, I’ll always at least make sure there’s a meal on the table every night, but would actually love if we shared cooking duties.
I’m not interested in being a stay at home mom/housewife. I enjoy my work. It’s challenging and makes me cringe some days, but I’d choose it over spending my days at home with the kids anytime. Did I take a year off work when each of my children were born? Of course, and I would do it again. I think that initial bonding time is vital. Plus nursing was my favorite, being all snuggled in bed with a baby while you literally feed them from you, it’s amazing. But then, after a year I’m back at work. I think it helps me be a better mom, to get away from the house and kids for a bit during the day. Then when I come home, I appreciate them more. I’m looking for a man who also values work. I don’t care what you do, as long as you like it, and have fun. Literally it could be anything as long as it doesn’t put my kids or myself in danger and brings in the cash. As it is, I support us decently enough (although lately that’s debatable) so anything you make is literally just gravy. (ie all those dates I mentioned above hint hint)
Some more about me that you might find disconcerting lol. I blog. About my personal life… so that might be an issue we can discuss if it bothers you. I smoke weed. Started off for my seizures (oh yeah I’m epileptic), but then it turned into an every night thing which my doctor said was ok. Even still, I test myself every once in a while by not doing it for a week or two just to make sure I’m not addicted… so far so good. I’m not a big fan of alcohol, but don’t mind a drink every now and again and it doesn’t bother me if you do. It would bother me I think, if you downed 3-5 beers a night though, or did any other recreational “things.”
So with all that being said, I’m just looking for a man who chooses me. Actually no. Not any man. Opps I just realized I’m picky too. I like black men only. I like guys who are 6 feet minimum. I like guys with muscles. I like guys who read. I like guys who can think for themselves. I desire a man who holds me in his sleep just because I’m his. I want sex. A lot of sex, and I may or may not have a fantasy that requires rope. I require a guy who smiles and makes me laugh because that brings him joy. A man who can talk to me because we’re best friends. A man who believes in good vs. evil and that good is the champ. I want a man who can decide for himself and stick with his choices. I want a man who doesn’t care what other people think, about him or us. I want a man who will protect our love, because we have chosen each other and that is the most valuable commodity there is.
I want a man who thinks love is the greatest most powerful thing there is.
And so he chooses to love me.
*Now we know why I’m still single*
-Train/If It’s Love-