God’s Plan I Hold Back, Sometimes I Won’t / Still Bad Things It’s A Lot Of Bad Things That They Wishin’ On Me

So my house is up for sale. The listing went live on Jan 25th (last Thursday) and there was one showing booked for Sunday that got cancelled last-minute, and now another one for tomorrow. So I’m feeling hopeful that at least people are interested in the place enough to want to come see it in person. But I’ll admit it’s been stressful. Keeping it clean and show ready at all times. I’ve obviously never sold a house before, and so just all the random thoughts that cross my mind every once in a while are crazy. Like “what if it doesn’t sell?”

I honestly hadn’t even considered it until Sunday when the first showing was cancelled. But for real? What in the world will I do if it doesn’t sell? I can’t even begin to let my mind wander down that path. I’m fairly confident just from the amount of activity we’ve had on it in such a short time that someone will scoop it up, so I’m just going to stay focused on the positive. And also keep an eye open for a new place. Everything so far has turned out to be a dud, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that with the spring coming, that more listings will pop up…I hope? But no, for real. more people want to move in the summer time so they list their property in the spring-ish in hopes to move while kids are out of school, snows off the road etc. Either way I’ve been checking the new listings probably 3 times a day just to make sure. Over kill? Totally. But I want to make sure I’m one of the first to see a new place once it goes up.

Other than that, work’s been decent. I got another bonus this week so I’ll stash that away for the down payment, which all thanks to me (yes, I’m throwing not so subtle shade at y’all) has been growing slowly.

The gym/training has been great. I only have 3-4 more sessions with my trainer left and I haven’t decided what I’m doing after that. Most gyms here require a membership or a contract in order for you to go and I don’t wanna sign some stupid 2 year contract to a gym if I’m moving in 5-6 months, but on the other hand, I don’t want to stop all the progress I’ve made and stop going all together. So I’ve got to think my options through. My co-worker suggested I go to each new gym in the area for their free 2 week trial until we move lol so I guess that’s an option. Currently the top contender is a small gym close to work that I could join on a month to month basis. But this gym is geared more towards heavy lifting, which I have been doing with my trainer, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable signing up to go to a gym where there will be a bunch of butch guys walking around, when I’m still not 100% sure what I’m doing. So I guess yeah I’m just still self-conscious.

My kids are doing good. Well they’re always doing good, although Little E said something quite disconcerting to me the other day. He asked outta no-where if I hear voices in my head. So of course red lights went up so fast because of their dad’s history. I tried to casually ask what he meant, and he continued…

He said he talks to voices that he hears in his head. So I said we all have our inner voice that we talk to, like we have conversations with our self in our minds. But then he continued by saying he actually HEARS them. Audibly.  And then he went on to say that he has 5 different voices. Each with a different voice/sound/distinction. So I asked him what do they say? Because now I’m becoming a little more concerned. And he says he can only hear 2 of them distinctly, but he knows the 5 are there. He’s not sure exactly what they say, but he can hear the different sounds they make. So I suggested to him that he just use his own thoughts to control the voices, and make sure he is always choosing to listen to the voice that is his own.

But I’ll be honest, I’m worried. There’s no “test” persay for schizophrenia. In fact when I was dealing with E first being diagnosed, I asked many doctors if I could’ve known before, or what to look out for, and they all said pretty much the same thing. Until there is a full-on meltdown/mental breakdown there is no way of knowing for sure. But I don’t want to let Little E get to that point. I don’t want him living with voices in his head from such a young age and having him think it’s normal. I want to do whatever I can to stop it, or help it BEFORE it progresses to a point of no return. I don’t want him to start listening to those voices more than the world around him like his dad did. I want everything good and happy and nice for him.

So when I hear him tell me that he has specifically labeled 5 distinct voices in his head, that he can HEAR, not just in his mind, but he hears them talking, so much so that he turns to see if they are there… that highly concerns me. I think I’m totally within my right to look into some preventative…..things? I don’t even know what options are out there, but you can know for sure I’ll be researching them.

I don’t want to leave him until he has a total break down before someone takes me seriously. I take him seriously. So if you have any recommendations on paranoid schizophrenia, and preventative measures, pass them along. Because I know how bad his dad is, and I NEVER want that for Little E.


-Drake/God’s Plan-

 

 

If It’s Love And We Decide That It’s Forever No One Else Could Do It Better

And now ladies and gentlemen,  what you’ve all been waiting for (lol)

My brutally honest and never to be used (since I have zero desire to open a dating profile again) dating profile.

First, let me start off by saying, like most of you, I have no idea how to properly start this thing. How do I ‘sell’ myself to someone I’ve never met? How do I know what they’re looking for? How do I know what they’re not looking for and what might scare “you”… my potential “perfect” man away? But in the spirit of this post, I’m just going to be honest… in my good ol’ C fashion. Which trust me lol is going to scare you all away anyways.

So, let’s get the basics out-of-the-way. I believe in the dating world its “ASL” or for us newbies- Age, Sex, Location. (Ok, so I just realized I’m not going to reveal everything like location, due to some privacy but you’ll get my drift lol).

Age. I’m officially old. I hit the 30’s back in October which I’m feeling fine about, since age doesn’t bother me, it really is just a number. In the past I haven’t ever made a big deal about my birthday, but they actually are important to me. I think I just let them slide because no-one close to me felt the need to congratulate the fact that I survived another year on this earth with a big celebration. So if you want to date me, it is important to me that you at least acknowledge my birthday with a small gift, or even better, arrange for a special date night. This would be even better is you repeated it every year on my birthday because, surprise surprise, those things continue each year on the same day until I die. I don’t expect fancy gifts, or even want big expensive presents. I prefer time spent together and just the fact that you remember and are happy that I’m still alive and was born however many years ago is so valuable to me. Because without my birthday, you wouldn’t have found the woman of your dreams. Although flowers would be nice.

Sex. Well, I’m very much a female, whose looking for a manly man. I don’t mean a man who needs to walk around in red plaid and suspenders swinging an axe all the time, but I also mean… A MAN. Like ok, I like the fact that men can grow beards, and can for the most part, grow amazing beautiful big muscles that just looks good on them (hey this is my honesty), but I also like the ones who recognize that men and women are different and are sensitive to that separation. I’m not talking about keeping woman in the kitchen type shit (more on my kitchen skills, or lack thereof later) I mean a man who will understand that my body is made different and yes, our minds sometimes work different and our emotions can be different. But most importantly he understands that that difference is NOT weakness. So yes, I am a female with female curves and female hormones and a very female vagina. Please be a male with original working parts. I’d like to use them often.

Location… Welp, that’s for me to know.

Next, Imma let you know straight off the bat that I have two kids that are better than any you’ve met before. Yes, they are from the same dad. No, I’m not a skank who slept around and randomly got pregnant. Well I have slept around, but never produced a kid from it. My offspring are both from a marriage that failed miserably. Yes, their Dad is still kinda in the picture. They see him about once a month for a few hours at a time. No, he doesn’t ever call. No, he never just “pops by’ the house for a visit. No, he is not going to be an issue. I’m technically still married though because he has still not signed the divorce papers yet. Yes I’m trying to push the divorce through faster, but sometimes life is just not on my side.

So anyways, my kids. I treat them like actual humans with real and valuable emotions. They have chores and responsibilities around the house to learn that the world is not handed to them on a silver platter but some things are earned. I teach them manners and about respect. I explain to them that loving themselves is the most important thing though because it sets a precedent on how you should expect others to treat you. I would appreciate and enjoy any potential partner to act as a father figure if you feel comfortable doing so. In fact, I don’t see myself with anyone long-term who cannot accept my children as his own. In the future however, should we choose to have children of our own, then how we choose to raise those children would have to be decided on 100% mutually. Although I can tell you right now, that yep I do support spanking in a controlled environment as long as it’s not done out of anger. I think the parent is first and foremost a parent. Kids will have plenty of friends in their lives, but a parents role is to mold and shape the humans of the future, so I have to make sure I’m teaching them as much as possible about right from wrong, about kindness and love. My goal is not to try and make my kids like me. But make them love me long-term for the heart and soul I instill in them, and choose their own path.

Next, I’m actually expecting big things from a partner as far as a social life. Right now, I don’t get out much. I don’t have a ton of friends due to many moves around the world, changes in jobs, and basically cutting off a lot of dead weight in my life as far as social situations go. So I’d love it if the guy I date would actually do things with me. I know this seems like given, but it hasn’t been in my life, so it’s extra important to me. It would knock me off my feet if a man planned a date from start to finish for me. It would show me that he cared enough about me to invest the time thinking about what I might enjoy and then following through in arranging it for me (I’m actually still shocked that this happens in the real world).

Some things I would like to do? Please no movies or boring coffee dates, although I understand those are good for just getting out of the house every once in a while. But I honest to goodness crave adventure. I wanna go to an amusement park and go on the roller coasters. I wanna go to the shooting range and shoot guns (so much fun) I want to go quading and snowmobiling. I want to own a boat one day and just spend the day speeding around and drinking beers on the lake. Take me sky diving. Book us a mini holiday to a warm beach somewhere, heck take me on a cruise! And please, please for the love of everything good take me dancing. No matter how bad you may think I suck in comparison to you, I love to dance. So take me dancing, and be good at it. But never EVER take me camping in a tent. Not unless you previously set it all up and plan on cooking every meal yourself over the fire pit and are ok with me sitting in a super comfy recline lawn chair that you personally packed me, along with my favorite book by my favorite author (Ted Dekker) covered in bug spray. Nope scratch that, you built me a gazebo with a full mosquito net around my chair, that still lets the sun through, cause a girls gotta tan. Yeah… you should just probably plan on never going camping with me.

That being said, I like my alone time. I’m an independent woman, I don’t have to be with you every second of every day. I honestly don’t even have to know what you’re doing all the time. Like if I say I trust you, then I trust you. Just don’t be shady about shit ok? You wanna go out with the guys? By all means have at ‘er. I would hope you would feel free to tell me you’re going. It’s called communication, it’s how properly functioning adult relationships thrive. You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not your mom. ‘Cause I know you’re coming home to me, and not only that, but I would trust that you’re not messing around while you’re out. Because you chose me to be in relationship with. Just how I would expect the same level of trust from you. And if you don’t think you could do that, then move along.

Ummm, other honest little tidbits about me. I’ve recently lost almost 50 pounds, as well as started working out with a trainer. I actually love going to the gym, but with my kids its been difficult to go as often as I would like and I’m hoping once I move, I’ll be able to go more like 4-5 times a week as opposed to twice like now. Currently, I just work out with my trainer, but eventually I think it would be fun to work out with my boyfriend/S.O. every once in a while. I think it would be a great bonding experience, motivational, and I see zero downside of staying healthy together.

Staying in the vein of healthy, I’m not the best cook in the world, just because I find no joy in it. I’m probably not even the best cook in my house and I only live with my two kids. But I do my best to provide them with a balanced diet that includes all the food groups and teach them to eat until they’re satisfied. So if you can cook? Well that’s a huge bonus. But if not, I haven’t killed anyone yet from my cooking (that I know of) and I’ll always try my best…actually that’s a lie, I’ll always at least make sure there’s a meal on the table every night, but would actually love if we shared cooking duties.

I’m not interested in being a stay at home mom/housewife. I enjoy work. It’s challenging and makes me cringe some days, but I’d choose it over spending my days at home with the kids anytime. Did I take a year off work when each of my children were born? Of course, and I would do it again. I think that initial bonding time is vital. Plus nursing was my favorite, being all snuggled in bed with a baby while you literally feed them from you, it’s amazing. But then, after a year I’m back at work. I think it helps me be a better mom, to get away from the house and kids during the day. Then when I come home, I appreciate them more. I’m looking for a man who also values work. I don’t care what you do, as long as you like it, and have fun. Literally it could be anything as long as it doesn’t put my kids or myself in danger and brings in the cash. As it is, I support us decently enough (although lately that’s debatable) so anything you make is literally just gravy. (ie all those dates I mentioned above hint hint)

Some more about me that you might find disconcerting lol. I blog. About my personal life… so that might be an issue we can discuss if it bothers you. I smoke weed. Started off for my seizures (oh yeah I’m epileptic), but then it turned into an every night thing which my doctor said was ok. Even still, I test myself every once in a while by not doing it for a week or two just to make sure I’m not addicted… so far so good. I’m not a big fan of alcohol, but don’t mind a drink every now and again and it doesn’t bother me if you do. It would bother me I think, if you downed 3-5 beers a night though, or did any other recreational “things.”

So with all that being said, I’m just looking for a man who chooses me. Actually no. Not any man. Opps I just realized I’m picky too, but this is my ridiculously honest post sooooo. I like black men only. I like guys who are 6 feet minimum. I like guys with muscles. I like guys who read. I like guys who can think for themselves. I desire a man who holds me in his sleep just because I’m his. I want sex. A lot of sex, and I may or may not have a fantasy that requires rope. I require a guy who smiles and makes me laugh because that brings him joy. A man who can talk to me because we’re best friends. A man who believes in good vs. evil and that good is the champ. I want a man who can decide for himself and stick with his choices. I want a man who doesn’t care what other people think, about him or us. I want a man who will protect our love, because we have chosen each other and that is the most valuable commodity there is.

I want a man who thinks love is the greatest most powerful thing there is.

And so he chooses to love me.

*Now we know why I’m still single*


-Train/If It’s Love-

 

 

 

 

Not ‘Cause She Ain’t Livin’ / And This Here Ain’t A Scrimmage Mothafucka, We Ain’t Finished

This morning I woke up determined to have a good day. Actually that’s a lie. I woke up about an hour before my alarm having to pee. So after I used the bathroom and crawled back into bed, Z walked into my room and asked to snuggle. So I pulled her up and tucked her in then listened to her fall back asleep.

Then I laid there and started crying as quietly as possible as to not wake her again.

Like I’ve done most days for the past little while.

But as I laid there and tears rolled down my face silently, I looked over and saw Z sleeping. Peacefully. Because she trusts me. No matter how fucked up things have been for me, my kids trust me to care for them and take care of them. They trust me enough to sleep easy at night. So I can’t fuck it up.

I have to make it work.

I have to keep pushing through.

Even though last night I felt like giving up to the point I planned out exactly how I would do it…give up, my kids trust me. Maybe they shouldn’t, but they do.

So I gathered her in my arms and held her while I cried and decided that I would just have to take all the shit the universe sends my way for the sake of my kids. Maybe. just maybe, if I take enough of the burden, there will be less evil for them to bear later down the road.

To watch her wake up and snuggle me and see her love… was hard to hold the tears back in front of her. But instead we put on the music, and started our day.

I put on my big girl pants and a smile determined to make the best of whatever I have. I still have no idea how I’m going to make up the money deficit I have, but I decided to try to do it with dignity and grace. To try and make my kids proud. Because for some reason, they believe in me.

So I got up and got ready for the day. I put on a full face of make-up which is rare. I attempted a new hair style, which sort of worked out. I made myself a proper lunch and even grabbed an apple for breakfast. And then headed out the door to greet the day.

Well literally ONE step out my back door, and the world was like “nope. not today C” because I slipped on the ice and fell right on my ass. For a split second I considered staying there. Honest to god, I thought maybe I should just take the fucking hint already, and not get up this time. I should just call into work and crawl back into my pajama’s and back into bed and NEVER get out. How nice would that be?

But instead Z asked if I was ok, and I lied and said yes, dragged myself up, wiped myself off, and here I am at work.

Again.

I really was initially determined to have a good day. And I really don’t want all my posts to be just me complaining about life.

So with that said, my next post which is inspired by a title I glanced over yesterday, is a work in progress (which is RARE, since I normally write all my posts in one sitting, about whatever’s on my mind at the moment), and won’t be about my day-to-day life. The post I saw was called something like “What would be in my dating profile if it were completely honest.” Which I thought would be fun and refreshing.

No, I’m not looking to meet/date anyone new right now. Nor am I looking to write any profiles for any dating websites/apps anytime soon, but just thought this would be a fun glimpse at me.

Plus it gives me something to focus on other than my body aching from the car accident and the fall, or my financial issues. So you can look forward to that, although *spoiler alert* I”m pretty much exactly how I seem in my blog… So I doubt there will be many surprises lol.


-Rihanna N.E.R.D./Lemon-

Got Everybody Watchin’ What I Do Come Walk In My Shoes And See The Way I’m Livin’ If You Really Want To

I have to stop tempting the universe.

Each time I say “I’ve had enough,” it turns around and is like OHHHH but wait there’s more.

You know that stupid saying “The world/God/life/ only give you what you hand handle’? I must be the Queen of the fucking world after all this junk.

So to start off my day (yes, just to start) I was driving to work and trying to get in the right mindset since I spent the morning yelling at my kids to hurry up and get ready.

You’d think after 4-5 months of a morning routine before school, Little E would know there’s no time to read books in the morning. I mean I love the fact that he loves to read, but common! Get ready first, then read. Nope instead lately, morning after morning I find him laying on his floor with a book, still in his pajama’s, and then we have to do the hustle and bustle to get out the door on time. I’ve tried taking the book away, but he just picks out a new one. I tried explaining to him about just doing his jobs first then he can relax on the couch until it’s time to go. And now, I’ve resorted to raising my voice/yelling. Which leads to me having to explain my frustrations to him on the ride to daycare. I have to tell him that yes, I did lose my temper and that was my responsibility, but it is his responsibility to do what he has been told (many times) which is get dressed, eat breakfast, get cleaned up, then he can read.

I explained that I’m annoyed that I have to keep telling him something fairly simple over and over, and at a certain point, he needs to take responsibility. Especially since he’s growing older, and I want to be able to trust him with those things, so that as he grows, I can add more things. How I know I can trust him, is when he can do it on his own without being told/reminded. So I apologized for getting mad, told him I loved him, and we both agreed to work on our faults and not let it ruin our day.

So, anyways back to the drive to work. I dropped the kids off and continued on my way with my music blaring, and like I said the universe is like oh C, just guess what we have in store for you today, because while I was stopped in traffic dancing like no-one was watching (and even if they were I don’t give an eff) when a car slams into my rear-end and I go flying forward.

Great, hey? Just what I needed. To be rear-ended. So this young kid gets out and I’m trying to figure out what the hell just happened. All my shit is everywhere in my car. Hot coffee splashed everywhere, paperwork all over the floor/dash, like this was not a gentle nudge. And he walks up all nervous and I’m like just relax buddy. It’s not the end of the world. Yeah it sucks balls, but it is what it is, but we can’t go back. Just give me your info and let’s take pictures so I can get to work.

So we exchange information and I head off to work. But since then, my body has been literally vibrating. My neck/back are actually hurting and as ridiculous as this sounds, my knees are actually becoming so sore, I don’t even know how that works but I think they slammed into the dash somehow. It’s like as I progress throughout my day, everything is becoming more and more stiff and sore.

Anyways, this kid is like 18-19 years old and is having his dad deal with it, which I don’t care really.  I’m just annoyed that now I have to find time to file a police report and deal with this unnecessary junk. I also made myself a chiropractor appointment for after work today because I’m that sore already. I can just imagine what I’ll feel like tomorrow.

So, to top off my day (yep you heard me, that’s not all folks) my appointment that I booked back in like late September to get a prescription for medical marijuana was supposed to be today but shortly after I got to work, they called to cancel it. They said they would re-book me in the “near future” which aggravated me because my wait time from Sept-Jan was a “short wait” according to them, so near future could literally be months away and they don’t give a shit.

Now, when I say I’m done. I really mean it. I don’t mean let’s test C some more to see how strong she is. I mean this stopped being fun a long time ago.

This is all I can handle. And no, I don’t want to see if I’m right or wrong on that point.

I’m stating it as fact.

I’m done.

*UPDATE**** I”ve just been informed by a fellow blogger that, yep, I should go get tested for HIV just in case, since sometimes it symptoms can lay dormant for years…. so that’s great/ read my last post for more info****


-T.I. Feat Rihanna/ Live Your Life-

Cause For Every Lie I Tell Them, They Tell Me Three This Is How The World Works Now All He Thinks About Is Me

Whomp there it is (Whomp there it is) Ahh I need emoji’s on my computer’s keyboard so I could follow that up with musical notes or something.

Anyways. My shit gets shittier (Don’t correct my grammar, let’s just all assume at this point I know I’m making up words, it’s called artistic licence), as it’s prone to do. I’m not sure if E is just… well I’m don’t even have words to describe anything he does anymore. I don’t know if it’s for attention or out of boredom or what have you, but he felt the need to call out of the blue on Saturday, after canceling a play date with the kids (yes his once per month, if that, visit with his own spawn) to inform me that there’s a rumor going around about him.

Oh. My. Actual. God. E. I don’t care. I’m not in Junior High any more. I don’t spend my days fighting gossip OR spreading rumors, and I most definitely don’t care if it’s about you! But he proceeded to insist that I needed to know that this rumor was not true, and that I had to know. Fine! What is it?

Well I guess, first off, he supposedly (let’s all take a moment to remember now, EVERYTHING E’s ever told me ie. his age, his secret daughter that he claimed not to know about, him not doing drugs, where our money was going, him not ever even hitting me, he’s going to sign the divorce papers, every word from his mouth has been a lie) anyways, according to him, he heard at his dad’s funeral, which was back in August 2017, a rumor about him having HIV, which he adamantly denies as being true.

When he first told me I honest to god said that’s fine I’m never fucking sleeping with you ever again. Like is this some weird twisted plot to try to get me back? Then for a split second, I tried to think of the last time we did have ANY physical contact, on the off-chance it was true, and he was denying it. My mind was at ease so fast remembering right away that it’s literally been 4 years this week sometime (THAT week back in Kenya), and I’m pretty sure I would’ve shown some sort of symptoms by now, duh.

So after reassuring myself that I was fine (after 4 years symptom free and just a lying ex to show for it) I realized what had made it even worse, was the fact that he had supposedly known about this “rumor” since last summer and has just now thought to tell me. Wow thanks buddy. In the end though, I’m quiet confident that unfortunately it’s just his paranoia working overtime, and he made up the rumor in his head. It’s probably the reason he cancelled the visit with the kids, since he was too afraid to leave his house. Which is best for the kids, because they shouldn’t have to be around someone who is scared of everything and literally thinks the world is out to get them.

But I did chastise myself for letting his head games and paranoia get to me after all these years, even if only for moment. I allowed myself to get carried away with his game to the point of having to trace back when we were together, and then for complete disclosure to you guys, I even considered how in the world I would ever contact all my one night stands from in between then and whenever I last messed around maybe last Feb, since I have zero numbers in my phone. It pissed me off that I let myself get involved and play his game. I honestly should know better. And I think deep down I do know better. But I have to do my due diligence right? What if it was HIV? What if for ONCE in E’s life, he was telling the truth? Now my kids are potentially at risk. Everyone around me is at risk if I don’t take precautionary steps. So yeah, I fell for it. I looked up symptoms right now as I type, and how long they take to appear just to be certain.  I’m feeling much better now knowing I’m loooooong past the 2-4 week stage. But still frustrated at myself for letting him get in my head. Twice. Once during the phone call and again now as I confirmed. Aggggh.

So, that was that incident.

Move onto yesterday when I get an email from my lawyer starting with, word for word “We’re so close to completion”

YESSSSSSS!!!! Happy dance.

But then it goes on saying that I have to contact legal aid to update my file before he can continue. I’m using legal aid because at the beginning of this 4 year long drawn out divorce, I had just flown back from Kenya with 2 kids, and headed back to school so I had zilch to my name, and legal aid allowed me access to a lawyer at a reduced rate. Fast forward to now, where I own a house and a car and I’m pretty sure I make more than the limit for legal aid. So now I’m actually nervous to call legal aid because they want me to do a financial overview.

I don’t wanna.

‘Cause what if now I make more than allowed by legal aid, and so I can no longer access their services? Well turns out my fears were accurate. After an hour and forty-five mintues on hold today I finally got through to find out that according to them, I now make enough money that I should be able to afford a lawyer at a “normal rate.” You know because I wasn’t having enough annoyances with money lately without this junk thrown on top of the heap.

All this did was make me more mad at E. At this point I feel like he should have to pay my legal fees if they are going to increase a whole bunch (which they are). Now hear my logic on this one. I’ve had a lawyer at a reduced rate until now (January 2018 basically). And according to him, ‘we’re so close to completion.” So had E not delayed the divorce/signing the agreements for FOUR years, it would’ve been done a long time ago, way before this month. So now, if I have to go and find a new lawyer and start again (well not the whole process over, but he’ll be new to me and I’ll have to explain everything again which takes time, and to lawyers time is money) then that’s going to cost me big bucks, which quite frankly, I think should come out of E’s pocket. Agh, just to see my lawyer say that we’re almost done, but then have this happen because I’m doing better for myself is a shot while I’m down. I’m trying to move up in the world. It’s like, were all those student loans and mortgage payments and dateless weekends and sleepless night worth any of this shit lately?

I’m still here.

I’m still married to this dick.

Yet I’m still a single mom struggling.


-Taylor Swift/I Did Something Bad-

I’m Tired Of Being What You Want Me To Be / I Don’t Know What You’re Expecting Of Me Put Under The Pressure Of Walking In Your Shoes

I finally sucked up my pride. In so many ways.

I lowered my housing standards and browsed manufactured houses in… you guessed it, trailer parks. Then I took it on step further and threw all caution to the wind, because I ended up calling my Grandpa all for selfish reasons of course, but it was an annoying phone call non-the-less.

It began when I found a place that I actually thought would be reasonable to live in for an AMAZING price. The only downside, is that I know the price is so good because it’s so fricking close to the high-way. Like the one major high-way that runs through the city. And when I say close, I mean highway here—~–house here. Nothing but a little hill between them.

Now I live close to a major road right now, and I’m fine with it. Albeit, it took me a little time to get used to it (since I moved from the suburbs with my parents and a remote village in Kenya, so traffic was rare), but right now my house faces a fairly busy side road, and across that is a little field with a few telephone/electrical wires/trees, then taa-daa the Trans-Canada highway. No houses blocking noise, no stores or schools. Nothing. Just my place, and a few bushes between me and every cross-country traveler. Oh wait, throw the train tracks in there too because I’m fancy like that. So to me, to be close to a main road… not that big of a deal. But to be fair, the place I’m considering is MUCH closer. But also MUCH cheaper.

So as I looked through photo’s, it made me consider all the things that this opportunity could possibly open up. The place is listed for less that $175,000.00, which means I could potentially get it for less, and save a bunch of cash. It only needs a few updates, and nothing that actually needs to be done, only things I would want just for aesthetic purposes, and even those might cost $5-10,000.00 if that. Like restaining kitchen cupboards, painting a bathroom etc, nothing major. My mortgage would be way cheaper, which means I would save tons every month, plus there are no condo/strata fees. Which means… my kids and I could have a better quality of life.

That cruise I wanted to go on? A total possibility. The new car I need, why not? My kids being able to go into more than one out of school activity at a time, have at ‘er. More money in my pocket every week opens up the door to so many opportunities. The place itself has everything we need. Need as in, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathroom, a nice kitchen, dining room, and living room. All arranged in a logical way, which is important to me. It comes with a large shed outside and a big backyard for the kids to at least have a good place to play. Does it have a basement? No. But when I sit down and think about it, I only ever go to my basement to do laundry since thats where the machines are, and the kids watch TV there. So with the TV in the living room, and the laundry room on the main floor, why would we need any more that what’s listed above.

I know that once we move, our lifestyle will change. I’m anticipating more time outside anyways. So I truly appreciate the large yard and a big deck too. As well as a massive shed, almost like a workshop, (not that I build things), for storing all our outdoor activity equipment, like bikes and kayaks and balls etc.

Anyway, I’ve realized, that since I’m doing this on my own, I have to make my own choices. And I know that THINGS don’t mean that much to me. I don’t need brand name junk. I don’t need 20 pairs of jeans. I don’t need 400 video games or 400 of anything. So if I live a life where I only keep things that spark joy, than why wouldn’t I apply that to my house? Why would I buy a place that has a bunch of extra unused space that is only used/touched when I have to run a rag over it to wipe the dust off it? This smaller place is still 1200 square feet, tastefully done, and nicely landscaped. But best of all? It won’t make me house poor.

So I sucked up my pride and called my Grandpa to see if he would be available to go and take a look at it, and give me his opinion on the noise from the highway. I figured not only would he would give me his honest thoughts, but he’s the only one out there who’s not working all day so an extra project wouldn’t be too stressful. Well, turns out he was at my Uncle’s house. Great. I guess I should preface this with the fact I’ve seen/spoke to  him once in the past ohhhhhh 12-15 years? And it was this past summer at my Grandpa’s memorial. Yep he skipped my wedding, but in hindsight I wished I skipped it to, so I can’t fault him to much for that. But basically we never had a falling out or anything, we just both never call family. So my Grandpa hands the cell over to my Uncle for him to write down the address and get all the information, upon which my Uncle begins to judge my choice. Something I can tell by his comments and tone.

“Oh, well you should sell your place first”

“Get your ducks in a row before moving on”

“Make sure you have your money straightened out before you even consider looking”

And all I can think is, first, what makes you think I don’t have my money straightened out? Or that my ducks aren’t in a row? Like you literally have no idea what’s going on in my life, because we haven’t had any sort of relationship in years! I can’t live at home with my parents like my cousins are STILL doing because you think life is expensive! That wasn’t an option for me. I wasn’t allowed to stay at home until I was like 28 and have my parents pay for 4-6 years of secondary education while living rent free so I had a chance to save up half a mil or whatever you expect/are doing for your kids. My life wasn’t like that, and won’t be like that. I have to move now. I have to buy a place by this summer. I can’t magically come up with hundreds of thousands of dollars or even one dollar (trust me, I tried but people suck, *common y’all had to know I would call you out on your lies too*). So I have to do what I can to make it work. So unless you plan on forking over the cash to make my options something other than a fucking trailer park, without going into huge debt, shut your damn mouth along with all the other people who just like to give advice without backing it up with REAL LIVE HELP.

I’m so sick and tired of people with all their “advice”.

I need to tattoo my forehead or something with “DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK,” but idiots probably still wouldn’t get it.


-Linkin Park/Numb-

I Know It Hurts Sometimes But You’ll Get Over It You’ll Find Another Life To Live I Swear That You’ll Get Over It I Know You’re Sad And Tired

Like usual, life has taught me that I can only depend on myself and that people will just say shit to make themselves look good, but majority of the time, never follow through with actions. Both here on the internet where they feel they can put forth any facade they want with very little to no consequence in real life if they turn out fake, as well as in my everyday reality.

As I left work after a frustrating day in the office, I received one blow after another with no reprieve.

I picked up the kids from daycare, where they were handing out lice notices. Great.

I got a letter in the mail stating that all my financial information may have been compromised after a hack at Nissan from when I bought my Rogue back in ’14. Excellent.

I received an email from my lawyer saying despite E saying he was going to sign, he didn’t (obviously) plus E claims he had no knowledge of the move to Kelowna, and is now not wanting to pay any previously owed money. Perfect.

My Grandpa called 3 times wanting to help me with my house hunt. Superb. For those of you not in the know, he made an aggressive pass at me while I was staying at his house last summer, which is bad enough right? Throw on top of that that it was the night of my Grandma’s memorial and you might understand why I have yet to answer his calls.

To top off those Wednesday only items is the fact that my best friend hasn’t been talking to me this week over something petty, and you can see why at this point I’m thankful for all of you.

Thankful for reminding me that people will say things like “I got you”. Or “I’m here for you”. But in the end, they are only words. Words only have the power you give them. Actions, on the other hand, can be substantiated without all the grandeur of words.  You can do something small but so meaningful for someone without having to boast yourself up. But after many years (yeah unfortunately it took me a while, I kept wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt), I have come to the understanding that people need words to make themselves feel good. They don’t say things for the benefit of others. It is solely to build up themselves. Make themselves feel good, like in their minds, at least they feel like they offered a chance at kindness so it’s as good as done.

So I’m truly grateful. Because you have reminded me that I cannot depend on anyone but myself. My mind and my strength are all that will get me through. My wits and my logic and my actions.

So I’ve decided to take another course of action. Where the results will be 100% in my hands. I can’t leave my families fate to individuals who are all talk no walk. So I appreciate the kick in the pants, and the reality check.  From both my readers and the people in my life, that has helped me to understand we are individuals for a reason. We do things individually. On our own. For our own.

Lesson learned.


-Lil Uzi Vert /The Way Life Goes-

I Got One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight M’s In My Bank Account/ I Ain’t No Sucker, I Ain’t Cut For No Action

I had a realtor visit my place this past Friday to go through and see the place. He then did up some comparables in the area to send me an evaluation yesterday on what he thinks my place is worth, and what I should list it at if I want it to sell. Let’s just say the results were less than impressive. Almost depressing to be frank.

If I list it at what he says it’s worth… I most likely won’t even pay off my remaining mortgage, let alone cover realtor fees/lawyer costs etc. So that means I’ll have to dig into what savings I have/had for my down payment to cover those costs, and that’s just annoying.

It also means that most likely, I’ll be putting it up for sale ASAP, hoping to sell it for as much as possible (as everyone selling a house expects) and then moving back into the dreaded parental unit. Just so I can save money for maybe a few months before we move this summer, because the sale will drain every little thing I have left to cover fees etc.

I kinda feel like it’s just another shot I didn’t need taken at me, ya know what I’m sayin’? I just wanted this move to go smoothly without it costing me tens of thousands of dollars more than necessary. I’m trying to do what I think will be best for myself and my kids in the long run, as far as quality of life goes, but common, why does it have to kick me when I’m down. Just give me a break already.

I’ve already committed to the move, so I can’t back out now just because the housing market has taken a turn for the worse and my house it literally worth $15,000+ less than what I paid for it 1.5 years ago. All I’m saying at this point is… I could see why some people would resort to crime or something as a way to try and make large amounts of cash fast. Not me, but some people.

How else do most people who are just trying to live a decent life, get by? I feel I do things “right” the majority of the time. I invest my money wisely, at least as smartly as I know how, since it’s not a subject taught in school. But algebra… Oh, I know that, thanks to a wasted 3 years of the highest level my school offered.

I save for both my kids educations.

I have a retirement fund. (That I’ll have to empty for this move… probably the education accounts as well)

I don’t buy extravagant clothes or jewelry (Apart from my $700 diamond earrings for my birthday this year, which I don’t regret).

I literally shop for clothes in the same store I buy our groceries from.

I don’t spend thousands on make-up or hair. I don’t even spend hundreds on it. I wear $4.99 mascara and maybe BB cream if it’s a special day.

I take my kids out for dinner once a month so they can feel that joy, and to learn “fancy” table manners. And it costs under $40 most times.

I pay all my bills before they are due to avoid interest.

I pay my taxes on time every year.

I don’t have satellite or order pay-per-view.

I use rewards programs to earn free groceries.

I use a bank that has no fees to save money.

I’m a great driver and am aware of photo radar spots to avoid tickets.

I use all things available to me that I’m aware of to save/earn money, but I don’t know how to get anymore ahead of where I already am.

So, tell me. What exactly is the benefit of following all the rules? Of doing it all right. Other than continually being stuck where I am? Why should rich people get richer, and me? I’m doing everything I’m “supposed” to be doing, and I’m struggling. Doesn’t seem right. So I honestly wonder if it would be worth it to consider a well thought out plan to make money in a ‘different way’.

It’s just annoying. and frustrating. Basically it pisses me off.

That all these rules are in place, for what? Because they sure don’t seem to be benefiting me any.


-21 Savage/Bank Account-

Through Waters Uncharted My Soul Will Embark I’ll Follow Your Voice Straight Into The Dark And If From The Course You Intend I Depart Speak To The Sails Of My Wandering Heart

No “new year, new me” junk in my trunk.

I’m a woman built on all my failures, and all my triumphs. I didn’t change dramatically overnight, no one does. I’ve blossomed over all my days and years on this earth to become who I am today.

Someone who still struggles with this life, but I’m learning more and more every day.

I’m discovering who I am, and why I’m here. I’m learning that we are all here for a purpose. And I’m learning to be more sensitive to that nudge that is leading me to my purpose. Once in a while the nudge will move me ever so gently, and sometimes it’s like an unwelcome fucken’ tidal wave and pushes me over the edge, whatever/whereever that edge may be,  but I’m being moved in the right direction I think. Actually I know.

Because I know I’m moving forward. Sometimes at a more graceful pace than other times. Once in a while, I fall smack dab on my face and get massive road rash across my nose or chin, but I get up and start again. But it’s not like I have to start fresh or from the beginning, I just continue to move onward from where I landed. And if you truly stop to think about it… even falling flat on your face is technically moving forward, so… there’s that.

So, in moving forward, I’ve been busy purging my house room by room. Which to be fair to my house keeping skills isn’t that difficult, since I don’t keep that much extra crap around. But I’m trying to get it ready to list, hopefully within the next couple weeks, maybe sooner. I should really set a “goal” date to do that by, but I’m not good at setting those types of deadlines. I’m more of a “let’s just get it done when it seems best”, and so far in my life, it’s worked for me. By the end of January though for sure I wanna have it up for sale.

It’s nerve-racking to say the least, because if I list it too soon, and it DOES sell quickly, but we don’t have a place in Kelowna until June… then my only option right now is moving BACK in with my parents for the interim. Which is not my ideal situation, so if you feel up to it, pray or send good vibes or do what you do when you want something to happen, to try and help this whole transition go over smoothly, and in a timely manner, hopefully avoiding the whole parental house situation. But, I’m also aware if I don’t list it soon enough, I might not sell it in time, and that could also jeopardize the move. AGHHH, adulting is so difficult sometimes. I just really don’t wanna live with my parents again. Like at all. Like zero part of me wants it. Not even the random hair on back of my left ankle that I can never seem to shave properly is rooting for that scenario.

I was over there last week because my mom was having car issues so I took her grocery shopping, even after I suggested she just take an Uber… actually even after I offered to pay for an Uber for her, but could tell she was going to pout all day and probably bring it up at a future family event, how she gave birth to me or something else she did for me in the past, but I couldn’t drive her for groceries when her car broke down. It’s not like she was stranded at the store or anything. She was literally at home and it wouldn’t start but apparently needed to go the store THAT EXACT MOMENT. Anyways so after just spending those few hours alone with her was enough for me to confirm that she is such a narcissist. But she passes it off as caring. It’s the weirdest thing. She needs to have complete control over others, most likely because her inner self is so chaotic, so it gives her some semblance of peace. Or she just gets a high off of it. We’ll really never know. But she’s just doing her. It’s good I guess. For her.

She asks too many personal questions in my opinion, for instance, in this visit alone, she asked about my finances (how much EXACTLY do I have saved for my house, and of course the answer was not enough). Am I on birth control? Excuse me? I literally started it a week before so could honestly answer yes, but she probably asked because K was at Christmas Eve at her place and so assumes we’re messin’ around, which was assumed correctly, but still not her business. How much do I weigh now (because now she’s doing intermittent fasting, and obviously want’s everyone to do as she does, which is hard because she switches fad’s more often than normal people switch underwear). And on and on it went.

And I realized, I don’t care. Sure, she can ask questions about me. That’s her choice. As for me? I’ve decided I’ll answer with complete honesty, since I have nothing to hide. Well some things I probably should hide according to social norms, but hey, she asked, and I don’t care because I’m proud of my life. She wants to dig around in my sex life? Too bad if she doesn’t like the answers, I’m not embarrassed. She thinks I haven’t saved enough? I’m actually pretty proud so far, even if I can’t buy a $500,000.00 house, I’m a single mom, and I can honestly say I think I’m doing damn fine. My weight? Good with me. I’ve made changes to my body that I know will stick because they weren’t due to the latest trend or some extreme diet or for anyone else. I did it slowly and steadily, and I like what I see when I look in the mirror, much more than I did before. Is there room for improvement? Duh, but I’ll do it my way, because this is what gives ME confidence, not because I’m trying to make someone else happy.

What I won’t accept though, is when she starts handing out unsolicited advice. Or looking down on me for the choices I’ve made or am making. I will make my own decisions, and live my life how I choose to and do so with dignity and confidence. I do not judge others on their choices, and although I don’t like them sometimes, or they wouldn’t be the choice I would make, I would never look down on someone because of that, or spend countless hours trying to make them see or do it my way.

If they wanted to have a chat about my choices and why I do things the way I do,  without trying to change them, then I would be up for that, but I wouldn’t feel “less than” if they left the conversation still wanting to do things their own way. So when she started going in on me for certain things I’m doing and why they’re “wrong” at least to her, that’s when I began to push back. And she was not happy. Unfortunately, too bad for her.

I wasn’t rude, or mean. I just stood up for my choices, even though they were contrary to what she would have done, or at least said she would have done. When it comes down to the wire, everyone’s actions speak louder than words.

So, I’ve decided to keep my actions, words, and thoughts, pure and true to myself.

The worlds gonna do what it’s gonna do.

People might say one thing, and turn around and do another, maybe to impress someone, or out of fear, they back away from their original choice, or for any number of reasons they don’t defend their thoughts and choices and decisions and beliefs.  But I’ve decided, really… what do I fear?

Nothing.

Nothing here in this immediate world presents enough of a threat to me, for me to turn around and change who I am and what I stand for. Because of what? What they THINK of me? I know what I THINK of myself. And that is where all the power lies. So I will make my choices. Some of them may be “bad” to others. Some of them not the ones you would make. But they are my choices. And I hold them. I back them up with my thoughts and beliefs. And either way, we can’t go back to change them.

Because time moves forward.

Thus, no ‘new year, new me’. I’m built on everything that came before, and continue to grow in that. I cannot change anything in the past, nor would I want to. I can only move forward and grow, learn, and love. Well I could move forward and not grow, as many do, they just move forward with time, without expanding their mind and spirit and soul, but that shit ain’t for me.

I’m CHOOSING to grow. And to stand firm in my choices. Because they are mine. They make me, me.

And who wouldn’t want that. To be the person your choices make you.

Choose wisely, because frankly at this point, the past choices no longer matter. It is only the decisions moving forward that have any further impact on who we become.

So think now. Long and hard. Who do you want to become.

From this point on.

Because that’s all that’s left.


-Hillsong United/Captain-