I’m A Sucker For Pain, It Ain’t Nothing But Pain You Just Fuckin’ Complain, You Ain’t Tough As You Claim

Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Just insert my name instead of Alex’s up there, and switch day for… I dunno, year? And I feel it’d be right on point with my life instead of a cute little children’s book.

I’ve just felt like giving up lately, for no reason in particular. I mean I could think of a few, but I really don’t want to, because then… Oh great, now I’m tearing up. That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid.

I don’t know if this whole blogging thing is for me anymore. Every time I come to write I find myself digging deeper and deeper and honestly you guys I have very little left.

Not in the way of stories or life, shit I have tons of crazy shit that y’all still have’t heard about. But I’m talking emotionally. Mentally. I think I’m spent. I think I’ve given all that I want to give. Bared all of my soul that I can.

I come here and I just lay it out. I hold nothing back, if I’m thinking something, and I feel I can’t discuss it elsewhere (which is basically everything) I write it here. But in the past sharing my thoughts so openly and freely in any capacity was unheard of for me. It’s not how I operated. So now, I’m feeling so different, having an outlet, that it’s become unnerving.

I’m literally having to stop typing every few seconds because I’m bawling at my desk right now. And I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because, like Pavlov’s dog, I’ve trained my body to realized that coming to write is a time of release. Or maybe, something that’s more true, I’ve realized the disappointment I now feel in myself.

I’ve been through a lot with you, my readers.

I’ve let you into the schmozle of my ongoing divorce (yes, still ongoing, probably forever ongoing at E’s rate). I’ve told you about my abusive past relationship. You’ve heard about my plight as a single parent. You’ve gained insight on how I choose to raise my kids.  You know about my struggle with my undiagnosed/rare form of epilepsy. You read as I lost 40+ pounds and got a personal trainer. You followed my adventures across the globe and back, with a paranoid schizophrenic husband. I invited you into my many one night stands because I have major trust issues. You’ve followed along as I let one particular one night stand continue… into a non-relationship/relationship of almost a year and a half that’s going nowhere, yet we love each other… Oh but not that way (yeah I’m just as confused). You know my triumphs within my job and career.  We’ve had racial discussions, and you know my family issues. You know about when I was raped and my hatred for mice.

Yet despite these examples of things that I’ve shared, of things I’ve overcome… I feel like this past year has been a waste.

I’m 30 years old now. I’m not even officially a ‘single’ mother of two, since E still hasn’t done shit all with the divorce (his newest excuse is that he owes his lawyer too much money and so he can’t go see him until he has the cash… FUCK why do you think you owe him so much genius? ‘Cause you book so many hours with him!!! JUST SIGN THE DAMN PAPERS!!!) Anyways, I’m still driving my shitty car I hate. Still not dating anyone. Still have nothing on the horizons other than being a mom. Which is with me for life.

And basically, I’m pissed at myself.

That I’ve let so much time slip through my fingers with nothing and no one to show for it.

I’m pretty sure I said in like my first damn post, all I ever wanted was a simple house, in a decent neighborhood, where my kids can go to school and get the best education possible. With a man who loves me and chooses me.

But I guess that’s still not for me.

So I guess I’ll still keep on bitching on here.

I really can’t remember what I started this post to say, but I can no longer see the screen through the tears of my pity party, so I guess that means I’m done.

Oh great, to top off an even worse day with a proverbial cherry, my Grandpa is calling…  and we all know how much I hate him.


-Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa & Imagine Dragons w/ Logic & Ty Dolla $ign ft X Ambassadors/Sucker for Pain-

9 thoughts on “I’m A Sucker For Pain, It Ain’t Nothing But Pain You Just Fuckin’ Complain, You Ain’t Tough As You Claim

  1. Once upon a time I spent hours trying to convince the lady I love that reaching 40 was no big deal, and all the “self-flagellation” she was doing was not real. None of which did anything but irritate her even more than she was already. My sister-in-law came across and was caught up in the same tale of woe. And I remember this because it made no sense at all. All she said was that she understood completely. It was a decade thing. And my wife was content. It was just a decade thing.

    I read your post and I thought “I understand completely. It’s an end of year thing.” That’s all it is. An end of year thing.

    🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hang in there hun, 30 is young yet! I’m a 39 year old single mom who has been through a lot of what you have in the past, and I’m still here! You’ll get through this and come out the other side stronger, as trite as that sounds. But I’ve discovered we have to get all the poison out before we can start to heal and that’s what you are doing on here.

    Maybe you should start a post (even if you just leave it as a draft) giving yourself some direction for the future in the form of hopes and dreams. Leave the “man who loves me” part out of that post, because that’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen and with whoever it’s supposed to happen (if you get caught up on that piece you’ll settle for less than true love- trust me, wasted 7 years on that recently). Just about YOU, your kids, your dreams for where you want to be, things you want to try… a bucket list of sorts. Perhaps if you pick away at adding to that when you log in there won’t always be tears. Big hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Unfortunately I have everything else. And ever since I was little, that’s all that I wanted. A man to truly love me. I don’t need it to feel validated, but it’s been my deepest desire since I was young. Which is probably why I did settle for an idiot before, and won’t settle again. But I won’t leave it out. It’s the only thing I’m left craving still.

    Like

  4. I don’t think I worded myself well (not enough coffee yet lol) because I don’t mean to completely leave it out of your dreams just not to center your dreams on it. Trust me, that’s what I want too! And I found him, but it was the cosmic joke of “right person, wrong time” so we are friends (and I cry every night after we’ve spent time together because damn I love him and I won’t lose his friendship but it hurts not being able to have what we had) so I completely get it… So I’m trying to focus on me, on my kids, and have faith that love will happen properly when it’s supposed to. But don’t neglect yourself or lose yourself in the search/wait for the right man the way us women usually do. I’ve found that all those things I wanted when I was younger as a fleeting thought I’m now desiring as an adult since my kids are getting old enough for me to start really planning: seeing Niagra falls from both sides, whitewater rafting, simple and complex little things that give me something to focus on when my heart hurts.

    I guess that’s all I want for you is for you to find something that makes writing less painful, and something that makes your heart hurt less.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’ve heard that writing is more cathartic than talking because of the way you have to structure and think about it. So being able to write these painful posts will no doubt help you in the end. I’ve been through the toxic marriage and emotional abuse and heartbreak, it sucks. You are in a really tough place right now and I wish you could see that it will get better. I would support threepageloveletter’s idea of focusing on a direction for the future. I’ve also always found focusing on what I do love and am happy about helps me. There’s no easy answer and I wish for your sake there was. But keep writing the pain because one day you’ll be able to write the joy and that will be magical xx

    Like

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