If I Should Die Before I Wake I Pray The Lord My Soul To Take Cause I’m Ready To Die

I’ve been super stressed for the last maybe two, three weeks. So much so, that my seizures have started up again. It’s been something I’ve been avoiding talking about, because it’s almost like if I didn’t talk about it… maybe it wouldn’t be real.

My seizures have been under control for the last… I don’t even know, close to 4 years probably more. And even before that, I had maybe 2-3 a year at most. But this past while it’s gotten so bad that I’ve had to set myself 5 alarms in the morning to make sure I wake up on time for work. I’m living off Advil. I went out and bought two bed wetting pads to protect my mattress while I sleep because I’ve been wetting the bed each time I seize. Which is one of the reasons I know I’ve been having them. Yeah. I’m a grown ass woman who now wets the bed. Yes I know it’s because of my seizures, but it’s still humiliating.

Which is another reason I haven’t told ANYONE. This was something I thought was behind me. This was something that had been under control for YEARS. And now it’s back. With more of a vengeance than ever before. I have a constant headache. I have continually sore muscles, I’ve woken up with my tongue chewed up and bloody, in a pool of my own urine, or on the floor. But so far, I’ve woken up.

I have a fear that my kids will see me have a seizure, or that it will start one night and won’t stop especially at the rate they are increasing.

So I’ve gone over 911 procedures with little E, reminding him and Z both of our address and important phone numbers they should know. As well as how to spell their first and last names.

My doctor has been able to do nothing. I went for another MRI last Tuesday night and am waiting for the results but my doctor has indicated that so far I’m at the top end of my medication, and so right now unless I’m completely honest about how my seizures have increased, nothing will change.

If I’m honest, I risk having my licence revoked, even though my seizures only happen at night.

So it’s a catch 22.

But I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this physical pain without some sort of support.

Also I’m not too keen on seizing to death.


-The Notorious B.I.G Ft. Puff Daddy/ Ready To Die-

3 thoughts on “If I Should Die Before I Wake I Pray The Lord My Soul To Take Cause I’m Ready To Die

  1. You will not die. I promise. If you’re on FB feel free to join our group, it’s closed, “Our Voice, Mental Health fighters against the world.” We are not doctors, but we welcome everyone, pain is pain and no one should be alone. You’re safe there and if anyone gives you grief they have to go through me. 🙂 You’re stronger than you think. I’ve worked with many patients with seizure disorders. This isn’t the end, it’s a beginning. Maybe this round something will be solved. If not, then I know a group of people who are happy to carry you through the next leg of the race.

    Liked by 1 person

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