Been Chasing Dreams, But I Never Slept I Got A New Attitude And A Lease On Life And Some Peace Of Mind Seek And I Find I Can Sleep When I Die

I know… I know, I know, I know.

I got all caught up in editing my previous posts that I stopped posting in real-time which was so dumb of me because, as my life would have it… Everything decided to happen in the past little while.

It’s been probably about 2-3 weeks since I gave any real post regarding my life… and while you’d think, “Hey, what can happen in 3 weeks right?

Ha. Hahahhahahahah.

Well have I got a story for you!!! So while I might have briefly mentioned some of these things I’ll try to go into a little more detail now, although I want to get everything out so this will probably be more of a quantity over quality post… Sorry.

Ok, first off before we get into anything too hot and heavy, y’all have to try out Aerie’s Sunnie bra. I went shopping for new clothes on Friday, since I’ve lost more weight, and a new bra was becoming a necessity. While I was at the mall, I visited 3 lingerie stores searching for my new go to bra. I asked at each store (Aerie/La Senza/La Vie En Rose) if they happen to do bra fittings since I honestly had no clue any more what size I was. I only knew that all my current bra’s were useless. The girl at Aerie was SUPER helpful..The other two stores? Pretty much as useless as my old bra’s. In fact at La Senza, I tried on a good (not great) bra and it was comfortable enough but had all these annoying straps across my chest so I asked a sales girl if they had anything similar but with no straps… her response instead of try to make a sale was “Just cut ’em off” So I promptly left that store. Anyways, I ended finding the MOST comfortable bra at Aerie, and my boobs look amazing! They have literally never been so perky and comfortable ever, let alone at the same time from one bra. So props to Aerie… It’s so good that when I got home I ordered two more in different colours online.  I also found a couple pairs of jeans both in clearance from different stores (how lucky is that) that fit great. I’ve gone down 4 pant sizes, which helps while trying to find clothes. I’m trying not to bulk up my closet too much since I plan on loosing more weight, but after my big clear out, I haven’t had much to wear. So I consider these my temporary clothes lol.

Next, my grandpa called this past Monday and left a message. Not cause I missed his call or anything. But because I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL, after our last “encounter.” so I ignored the call. He didn’t mention anything about what happened between us, or more specifically what he did to me, which leads me to believe that maybe he doesn’t remember. I really don’t care if he remembers it or not. To me, he’ll forever be a dirty old man now. What’s done is done.

Next, my boss is seriously thinking about moving our company’s office to Kelowna. Which I think I mentioned. But this week, it’s pretty much been all the 3 of us in the office have been talking about. So much so, that my gut instinct is that, yes. We most likely will be moving. And shop talk has the move date as soon as June 2018.

I feel good about it. Worried? Sure a little. But I think it could be good for me. I think I need a fresh start. It’s not like I’m upping my family and moving them to the boonies and not having an idea of what’s coming like when we upped and went to Kenya. This way I’ll have a job, and I at least have a couple sets of Aunts and Uncles as well as a few cousins there already. We’ve been having open conversations around the office about some concerns we may have, mine being mainly financial constraints, and my boss was honest and said it was something they had already considered. He said for example if the cost of living in B.C. is maybe 20% more than our province, than everyone would need a 20% raise. Also he said if I needed help with a down payment, then the company could help and just basically it would be an advance on my bonuses. He just really wants me to move with them, and I’m not against moving, I just want to make sure I can maintain the same quality of life that myself and my kids have become used to, without moving into some cramped 2 bedroom apartment to make this work.

And to finish off this hodgepodge post, K got out of prison.

Why the fuck do I love this man. Seriously. I know y’all are sick of hearing about him, but unfortunately for you, I write this blog for me… As a place to sort out myself. And I need a whole lot of sorting when it comes to him.

While I was in BC for my grandma’s memorial, he called. A couple times. First to tell me about all these reoccurring dreams he was having about me. And it was beautiful and lovely and weird but I was so happy. But then as per usual, time was up and we had to say our good byes. I went to bed that night on a ‘K high’ so to speak. My dream of him getting out and showing up on my doorstep with a bouquet of blue roses and asking me to marry him returned that night. But then he called again the next day.  And after leaving me overnight with thoughts of marriage and love and a future together, he calls to explain how it’s never going to work out between us.

He explained it well enough I guess. But it left me crying so I tried to get off the phone, to which he said no. That I should stay on the phone with him, and he would stay with me while I cried. So I did. I cried on the phone with him. And all I could manage to say was I hate you a couple of times. But each time I said I hate you, he said I love you too. And I hated that too.

If you love someone…. Why don’t you just be with them? Why all the dramatics? Why all this reasoning and explaining? Why not just love them?

Anyways I calmed down after a minute, and I was ok for that moment. Until…

K felt it a good moment to ask if we could still fuck. Or something along those lines. I was so mad. SOOO mad. I felt in that moment that I was just a warm place for him to stick his dick and I told him to fuck off and hung up. He obviously tried calling back a few times, which I ignored since I was so incensed.  Over the next few days I didn’t answer any of his calls and even went so far as to block the prisons number I was so pissed. I didn’t want to have to hum and haw over if I should answer his call if/when he called, so I just did what I needed to do in that moment, and blocked him to allow myself the space I needed, so I wouldn’t even have to see if he called or wonder why he didn’t.

Until one night I received a voicemail from a friend and while I was listening to it, I noticed there was a voicemail from a blocked number that was almost a week old.

It was K. He was calling to apologize for his “joke” that was obviously insensitive and letting me know that he was going for a hearing (on the day I was finally listening to the voicemail). He said he would try calling me once when he got out, and if I really wanted to be done with him, than I should just not answer and he would get my drift and leave me alone forever.

It was a lot. I wasn’t expecting him to be out for a couple weeks at best and since I had missed his voicemail, he could be out like… that very minute for all I knew! It was a stressful day. Did I want to be done with K? Of course not. I love him. I just felt like it had been months since we had had a decent conversation, with all of them starting only when he wanted to call, and ending when his time was up, or when he was done talking about whatever he wanted to call for. I didn’t feel like I had been able to truly express my feelings in so long, and it wasn’t fair for myself. I hadn’t even SEEN him again since the time he had finally said he loved me to my face. So yes. I needed to talk to him. Plus so much had been going on in my life and I felt like I had lost my best friend.

So when he called… I answered. In the middle of the supermarket.  Caught way off guard because it was Saturday by now. 2 days after he said he was getting out. So by this time I had  figured maybe he didn’t make parole, or they delayed his hearing, or he didn’t want to call. In any case, I wasn’t expecting his call on a Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t handle it well (as per usual) and said I would call him back that night.

That night… we kinda talked. All I know, is that I explained I’m not into sleeping around anymore. If he wants into my pants, he needs to man up and make me his girl friend. And he won’t. So I told him we can be friends, but nothing past platonic.

Which I hate. Because I still love him.


-Macklemore Ft. Skylar Grey/Glorious-

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