Pardon Me Your Epidermis Is Showing Sir I Couldn’t Help But Note You’re Shade Of Melanin

Ok… So feel free to keep reading. In fact I would encourage you to, but I will warn you now that this post will most likely offend some. But, we all know by now that won’t stop me from writing it.

These last few days, this whole race issue has been heavy on my mind. Between cutting out my own family members and dealing with fall out from that, as well as realizing people’s true stance on the issues that have been arising, it just feels like it’s definitely been at the forefront of every waking moment since the weekend.

So I’m going to lay it out here, because this morning, my boss made a comment, that I had to ignore in the moment, and to be honest at the time it didn’t seem like a big deal and I’m sure we’ve all heard similar statements and brushed them off as well. But as the day has worn on, it’s been bugging me.

My co-worker was basically just making conversation and made a comment about what was going on in the States (Charlottesville etc.) and my boss was basically like “yeah… whatever” and kinda shut down the conversation before it could even begin.

Now as I’ve been thinking about it, I’ve realized it’s that exact action, the action of in-action, is the definition of white privilege. By “avoiding politics” or wanting to just stay out of it, because in your “perfect” world it doesn’t affect you, that is privilege in action.

You are proving to the world that by being a white, well off man, you have nothing to worry about, and therefore you can just brush aside the worries or concerns that the rest of the world is facing. You don’t have the fear that your race, gender, religion, beliefs or any of that will lead to anything of consequence for you.

You don’t live in fear of bigotry, deportation, segregation, or random police checks that could end in beatings/murder. You’ve never had to fight for your life. You didn’t struggle to find a job with people judging you on your melanin, or where you were born, or your hairstyle for that matter, let alone a solid well-paying career.

You think that by staying out of it, you are fine, and will not be affected, and that is 100% true. Your life will not change one bit, by you ignoring the struggles of others. You will not know the pain of walking down the street and being called names based on your skin colour. Your days will continue on as they always have, easy breezy lemon squeezy. That is white privilege.

And I get it. I totally obviously do. Maybe not to the extent of my boss being that he’s male, but I’m a white woman living in a fairly white society, and I have a good paying job and a house and a car and life is good for me. But I have also been on the other side of things.

I was a white woman in Kenya.

I was lower than low. I was a woman, which is difficult enough even for Kenyan women, and I was white. I was a Muzungu. I walked down the street and had that insult hurled in my face on the daily, among MANY others.  It’s the equivalent of being called a N****r here in North America but for whites. Not everyone appreciated me being there. They thought I was there to steal their jobs and their money and whatever else goes through a racists head. I had to walk with E or my farm boy or a crown of neighbors when I went to town for my own safety.

So when I talk about white privilege, yes, I get it. I have it. I am privileged here in Canada. But I am actively choosing not to be blinded by it. I know from personal experience how it feels to be judged by my skin color, and nothing else.Those people in Kenya didn’t know anything about me other than the fact I was white, and still assumed I was a horrible individual based on that fact alone. And since then, remembering how I felt, the feeling of being unsafe, or almost in constant fear, I have consciously made a decision to never judge anyone based on skin color, tone, hair, or where they were born etc.

I will however form my opinion of you based on how you treat myself and other humans around you.

So yes, I understand “politics” can get annoying, or draining and you don’t want to talk about it sometimes, but that’s what privilege does. Makes you think you are safe and secure in your own little bubble. Allowing you to feel it unnecessary to join in with these situations.

But I’m saying maybe step out of your bubble for a second and stand back to take a look at the actual shit going on in the world. Not to fan the flame and spread hate and oppression, but to support the people who need it. Especially if you are in a position to do so.


-DC Talk/Coloured People-

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Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yeppers, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. For some reason it pissed me off. I wasn’t mad at E, I was just like, common life! Quit kicking me in the balls! So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang, with the static silence growing.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him on my card.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash up front or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means for all I care.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas at the end of the year because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record, and well, it being the death of his dad.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.


-Kesha/Praying-

Cause In The Night I Hear Him Talk The Coldest Story Ever Told Somewhere Far Along This Road He Lost His Soul

I received a message from E letting me know that his dad had passed away last night, as well as one from my brother-in-law (because according to the law we are still married so in laws it is.

I can honestly say… I didn’t really care. This man for all intents and purposes tried to kill me once (check it out here: Tell the World I’m Coming… Home ) in one of my most stressful days ever.  So to say I feel a great loss would be a huge lie. I did message E to express my half hearted condolences and to make sure he was doing OK, because I’m a (half) decent human being.

E replied that yes, he was doing ok, but now as the day has evolved I’ve realized that he is far from that. He’s so far called me EIGHT times at work. Today. Already. It’s not even 2 o’clock. I made the mistake of asking if he was going to fly back to Kenya for the funeral or if there was going to be one, and now he got the idea in his head that the kids should go with him.

Uhhhh, that’s gonna be a hard no. I pretty much have sole custody of both the kids and there is no way in Hell (Heaven or Earth or anywhere else you can think of) that my kids are going to with E back to Kenya. ESPECIALLY at this age. EXTRA ESPECIALLY (I know that’s very grammatically incorrect but work with me) without our divorce finalized. SUPERDUPERLY ESPECIALLY without me.

So now he’s calling me constantly asking again and again “just in case” I changed my mind. But more so because I don’t think he knows how else to handle his emotions right now. Since I’ve known E, he’s never lost anyone close to him, and now his dad has died. I understand it must be beyond difficult. I get that. But unfortunately, past behaviors on his part have dictated that the kids are not safe to travel with him. So it is what it is. I told him that the kids and I would call him tonight to talk and maybe that would help ground him, but I made it clear that they would not be going back with him. If he wants to press it further he will have to contact his lawyer, but there’s not much else he can do, and calling me every 15 minutes won’t help. Even in the case that he does try to call his lawyer, I’m quite confident that nothing will happen, and they kids will be staying with me, here in Canada.

Part of me wonders how this will affect his mental stability. Can he make it through this without having another break down and ending up in the hospital for months again? Are his medications strong enough to keep the voices/paranoia away during this stressful time? Are the kids safe to spend their 2-3 hours with him when he comes back to town again? Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, and there’s nothing to worry about but as a mother, you always want to protect your kids first. And for myself I’ve seen danger with E too many times to not see this as a massive source of stress for E that might act as a huge potential trigger for relapse.

All I can do now is stand firm in my position that the kids are staying with me, and be decent to E, so I don’t cause any more stress to him then already present.


-Kanye West/Heartless-

 

We Still Got Terrorists Here Livin In The USA, The Big CIA The Bloods And The Crips And The KKK

I am livid this morning, and even that doesn’t accurately describe the level of emotion I’m feeling right now.

Maybe 1 or 2 weeks ago my Mom reposted some ridiculous propaganda on Facebook. I considered linking it here instead of describing it, but I can’t be responsible for spreading such misleading and inaccurate information so decided against it. Normally, for starters I’m not on Facebook, but the odd time I am, I try to ignore what my Mom posts, since she is the queen of reposting, although this one caught my attention and I had to view it.

This apparent ‘study’ was done on policing in the States and racism within. And basically ended by saying black men are NOT being hurt by police (despite all the overwhelming evidence otherwise) and that if there were no police, black men would only kill each other (despite no evidence to prove that).

I was fucking APPALLED that my own mother (who bitched at me for no longer going to church, and sleeping with K while still officially being married to E after filing for divorce 4 years ago) would spread this around, although at the time I read it, I didn’t say anything… until yesterday.

With everything happening in America in Charlottesville, I sent my mom a few links and explained that what she had posted bothered me, and was quite frankly embarrassing that she would spread that around as my mother considering my children are of mixed race.

Her basic response?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I cannot believe I came from her.
With everything going on in the world today, I’ve realized that apparently it is quite easy for racists to exist and for that, I apologize. I continued to tell her that she was just being a sheep for reposting without doing any due diligence, or simple research on the issue, and so if that was too difficult for her to do, I would do it for her. And if she continued to post ignorant racist posts, I would make it my business to follow up and comment the truth. And then proceeded to block her.

Yes she is my mother, yes she will always be my mother, but I have my kids and their futures to be concerned about now. How I turned out the way I am, knowing someone with a thought process such as hers raised me is beyond my mental capacity, but I am so thankful I’m not like her in that way.

I do not, AT ALL, believe that one race (any race) is better than any other. I understand that blacks (and many other races) have suffered a great deal under whites in many countries and for that I want to apologize, although even this is a tricky area… do you want our apologies?

I want to support in whatever way is accepted by you. Do you want to hear heartfelt “sorrys”? How would you like to see our support? Can we as white individuals use hashtags like #blacklivesmatter? Should we? Or are we better off joining you at rallies but just as quite background support… strength in numbers type thing? Or is it cool for us to be speaking out against it, full force if we have a platform too? What do you, as the black community, want to see from the white community who want to support you? Will you allow us to stand with you? Or is it too painful and offensive still?

I’m asking these questions because more than anything I don’t want to be ignorant. I would like to be supportive in whatever way you will allow, and require, instead of just barging in and doing what I think is best, because that can lead to even more separation.

So… please? Do you want us white people to just back off and let you fight your fight? Or would you allow those of us who truly want to stand with you, do so?

I’m honestly wanting to know to understand all your feelings and viewpoints. I just want to steer clear of becoming like my mother.

So please, I’m asking for your input.

*After note*
Also I’m aware this doesn’t make a difference, because racism can exist anywhere unfortunately, but for those of you unfamiliar with me and my story… No I do not live in America. I’m from Canada. But I can definitively say I do not support Trump or most politicians for that matter. At this point I’m quite aware that the majority are placed there for the masses to choose from so they feel like they have a choice, but in reality, all are moulded by central banks and the upper echelons to keep the rich rich and really not many truly care for ‘the little person’. But… that’s my own ‘humble’ opinion. To each their own.


-Black Eyed Peas/Where Is The Love-

Give Your All To Me I’ll Give My All To You Your My End And My Beginning Even When I Lose I’m Winning

You know what they say, picture or it didn’t happen 😏.

I meant to post yesterday, but just ended up being so busy with life that, well, here I am.

I did originally by the flowers for myself, as promised but since yesterday was Z’s birthday I decided to gift them to her by the time I got home. She was so excited but not as thrilled as she was when she opened her little kids makeup kit! I let her do her own as well as mine and needless to say we both looked like clowns by the end of it.

But I decided to give her the roses as more of a…lesson? Nah not really a lesson, but I want her to feel like she should have high expectations from people and that she deserves special things especially on days like her birthday.

When I was young I envisioned my husband taking our daughters out on dates while they are young, to teach them what they should expect and show them what it’s like to be treated respectfully by a man. To show them what they deserve, and so they can know what is good vs. crappy date behavior. Now, since Z’s dad is not around to do that, I still think it’s important for her to know, and also something for Little E to learn, how to treat a woman. So I gifted the flowers to her.

I heard a quote a few months back that I’m going to slaughter, but it was roughly like this;

“Don’t teach little girls that when a boy teases/bullies her it’s because he likes her, because then she’ll grow to learn that being bullied is the definition of love.”

This stood out to me like WOW! It made a lot of sense. Probably to me more than some of you, but it definitely was something I wanted to incorporate into my family. First to teach Z that love is love. Not teasing and bullying and name calling etc, and therefore she should never accept that from any man or woman for that matter. And next to show Little E more positive ways to express his emotions when he does start to have feelings for someone.

Anyways, keeping it super short and simple for today. If anyone knows the actual quote I’m trying (and probably failing miserably) to refer to, give me a shout.


-John Legend/All Of Me-