I’ve Got Thick Skin And An Elastic Heart/You Did Not Break Me I’m Still Fighting For Peace

Ok guys. So after spending Monday in a hot mess, and I mean MESS. I was breaking down and crying every time my kids weren’t in the room, and maybe once or twice when they were. I had my epiphany. At least I hope it’s my light bulb moment because if not… well then I’m headed down the wrong path lol.

After what happened with my grandpa, and a few other stressful events that of course just had to happen this weekend involving K, that I’m not ready to get into yet, I just broke on Monday. I was barely functioning, and couldn’t contain my crying, it was bad. But I didn’t realize how bad until my brother-in-law D went to give me a hug goodbye, since they were heading out from my grandpa’s that evening, and after the hug he did that pause where his hand kinda lingered on my back while he said take care or something, I don’t even remember, because everything inside of me was screaming at him to stop touching me.

That’s when I realized how much the night before with my grandpa had affected me. Obviously I had spent the day crying, but I thought maybe I was overly tired and just emotional. But when I literally couldn’t stand the thought of D giving me a hug and touching me, I knew I was messed up. Also I did tell N what had happened with my grandpa, just because I wanted to get it off my chest. Now, nothing negative against N, but she kept bringing it up throughout the day again. Here I am trying to get over it and just get back into my regular routine and push it as far from my mind as possible, and every 30 minutes or whatever she’s asking if I’m sure I’ll be OK, or saying just make sure I have my phone close etc. I get that she was trying to ease my worries but to me it was just bringing up the feelings/thoughts/emotions that I had just managed to get out of my head 5 minutes ago.

And it made me understand that N doesn’t get it. She has never been raped. She didn’t understand the fear I was feeling. Or why it came back in huge waves. Or why I haven’t slept since. But I get it. I understand it. I’ve been there.

As I drove home yesterday, I spent the majority of the 11 hour car ride considering why all this shitty stuff keeps going on in my life, and how if possible can I turn it for good. How can I make this work for me? What can I do with this pile of crap I’ve been given to make a positive impact?

So the only idea that came to me, and that is still a huge work in progress, is that I’m going to make my blog more “public” in an effort to help those in my community.

I thought maybe I could use my experiences to help others who have been through similar things. And considering my wide range of  experiences… I might be able to relate to many people. In my mind I see myself relating to many women/teens who are struggling with issues that I have gone through and just want someone to talk to. Like how I just wanted someone to tell and so I told N, but because she’s never been through anything like it, she didn’t know how to handle it.

I know that many people just want to talk. Not so that they can be told what to do, or be judged, or feel like they’re at the shrinks office but just to know that they aren’t alone. And that others have survived issues like them, and that there is nothing wrong with them. That it is do-able, getting through this crazy life. That no matter how ridiculous it seems at the time, you can make it through.

So, I’ve decided to make myself vulnerable by slowly kinda revealing myself in a sense to those around me, so that others can learn, or feel comforted by this. It was weird and crazy, but brought on by a quote my grandma had written…

“After all was said and done, A lot was said and not much done.”

So I figured at this point, I’ve said a lot, I should start doing something.

So if you have any suggestions… lol, let me know.


-Sia/Elastic Heart-

Advertisements

I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me

What the fuck. My Grandpa just made a pass at me. What the fuck. What the fuck.

I’m living the fucken twilight zone you guys.

I’m in town for my Grandma’s funeral and earlier today he asked me if I was still taking my ‘medication’ and I remembered that my mom had told both him and my aunt how I indulge in weed and it helps with my seizure related headaches. So I told him that normally I ‘take’ it every night but I didn’t bring anything on this trip because… well awkward (ha little did I know how awkward/awful it was going to get). So he started talking about how he had a few joints around and how he hadn’t smoked since before my grandma (HIS WIFE) died in June. So he suggested we smoke a joint together later at night. I’m staying at his place for a couple days while I’m in town and I was honestly just thrilled because I’ve had the worst sleeps the last two nights and I just wanted to have like a solid 6 hours of sleep.

So everyone else finally went to bed today and we sat in the carport/garage and had a few drags each, finishing about half the joint. Meanwhile he’s talking all this stuff about how he’s got these friends who grow it here and he can get it for me no problem. And then after a couple puffs he says OK that’s enough especially if you don’t smoke. (I had explained how edibles are now my go to). I’m feeling nothing at this point but I’m not gonna push it, so we say our goodnights and I figured that was that. As it should’ve been.

I get into bed and put in my earplugs a cousin gave me yesterday in an attempt to sleep better, and start to browse instagram a bit, even considered starting a blog post but figured I would wait until I get home because I have SO much to say, when I felt a hand on my ankle.

These earplugs are amazing I didn’t hear him coming. It’s my grandpa asking if I wanna go finish the doobie as he so often calls it, and I didn’t hear him walk in at all. I’m totally up for it because at this point I feel nothing yet, so we step right out my door into the garage (I’m sleeping in a makeshift room with Z that’s not an actual room but a link between his room and a carport type thing… in a trailer park… it’s hard to explain.) Anyways we go outside and finish off the first one and he asks me to grab his stash from inside and we light up another one.

Now I finally have a light buzz, but he’s gone, like way far gone. I asked him how he was. Just a simple question, ‘how are you’ and he gets all existential on me.

How are any of us? I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. And here I am thinking he’s thinking about my recently deceased grandmother. And so I’m trying to just make him feel better, saying things like we can’t always plan out everything in life. We don’t know what to expect but we make it work.

And I don’t even remember his exact words because I’m still so shocked it happened, but he went with what I said, and rolled it into how we don’t know what to expect and we have to make the best of it…. and we should make the best of this moment him and I.

What the fuck? Did I just hear what I think I heard? Maybe this BC weed is messing with my head differently. So I just kinda let it slide. Thinking I totally misread the situation, or at the very least misheard.

But then he legitimately mumbles “here I am making a pass at my own grandchild”. And he keeps trying to put his hand on my knee or leg and I’m like grandpa stop/no thanks. And so he stands up while I’m still sitting on my chair and tried to give me a hug and I had to push him back with both hands on his chest while he tried to kiss the top of my head. And then he finally walked away.

And my head is just messed up. Not like in a confused way like oh maybe I should’ve… No definitely not. But in a what the fuck just happened to me way.

When he walked back into the house he left the door ajar and I’m slightly shocked/confused/scared/worried. So I followed, but not too close that he thinks I’m following to join him, but to make sure the horny bastard doesn’t do anything to Z or even Little E.

He passed both of them sleeping on the floor in my ‘room’, and I closed the door connecting our rooms and then went back outside to just… wrap my head around “this”, whatever this is.

Ok, I get that he’s lonely, his wife just died. And maybe weed makes some people horny, I’m not sure, I’ve never experienced that. And obviously we don’t think 100% how we normally would while we’re high, but come the fuck on. My Grandfather. My flesh and blood grandpa. Who’s turning 82 tomorrow. Just hit on me.

And if you can’t keep it together enough to realize that? Than you shouldn’t be smoking for starters is really all I can think of to say right now. Other than that I’m speechless. So I’m heading to bed. And I’ve decided to sleep WITHOUT the earplugs tonight for those if you wondering. To keep a better ear out for whatever may come.


-Ozzy Ozbourne/Crazy Train-

Are We Getting Closer Or Are We Just Getting More Lost

I’m so upset!

In my big air of productivity during the last week, I managed to finally get my act together to change Little E’s name. Which you would think would be a great thing right? Since I’ve only been waiting a couple years to do it right? Well being the idiot that I am I didn’t think it through and so I went to the registry office with all my paper work signed all nice and proper. All my i’s dotted and t’s crossed. I had all my supporting documents… everything. I thought all my ducks were in a row.

What I didn’t think about though, was how when I handed in my supporting papers, which included Little E’s birth certificate, I might need them during the next 4-6 months, which is how long the name change will take.

I didn’t consider that I might need it to get Little E a new passport for when I’d like to take my kids on this great trip I’ve been looking forward to for months.

Now when I pulled out our passports tonight to finally book the perfect 7 night, all-inclusive, cruise with stops in Jamaica… guess what?

Yep. Little E’s passport is expired. Meanwhile Z and mine? Perfectly fine. Like what are the ridiculous odds. Little E is now 7 and has already had 2 passports, both chock-full of stamps, and now I have to get him a third. Yet I can’t because I had to surrender his birth certificate up in order to change his name.

Which means my 30th birthday cruise? Is a no go.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I’ve actually been looking forward to that so much.

It’s just… frustrating yet again.


-Rise Against/Swing Life Away-

Hey Big Spender Spend A Little Time With Me

My last couple days have been super productive. Although you wouldn’t know it here since I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve just been feeling a big push to get a bunch of stuff done before the big return to school and just everything that fall brings. Maybe my vitamin shots have helped with the energy too.

So with that said, this past weekend I feel like I spent every dollar I had to my name! It started when I took Little E back to school shopping. Albeit he was far from the problem. In the morning we went through his drawers to get a better sense of what he already had, what fit and what needed to be donated. After he tried on every bottom he owned we discovered that after wearing shorts all summer, none of his jeans/long pants fit anymore (seriously child just stop growing already). So we made a mental note of what we would need and arranged to meet E at the mall. E had just gotten off of work and still needed help with getting flights to Kenya for his fathers funeral, so I figured we could just kill two birds with one stone.

I asked E to take Z and check out a travel agent while at the mall since he informed me that he still hadn’t found flights online (apparently “The Google” was to complicated for him), so E & Z went off and Little E and I started our shopping. In true male form Little E is not a fan of shopping. He was nice about it, and not annoying but every time I suggested something, he would say no thanks, I don’t need it. I did manage to get him to try on a few pairs of jeans and bought 3 that fit. But even when it came to running shoes, I was planning on buying him 2 new pairs, one for indoor at school and one new one pair just to have for everyday use. But little E was insistent on just buying one pair for indoor shoes, saying the pair he’s using now was good enough and that I should “save my money’… So I’m not sure if I should be proud of what I’ve taught him about money/budgets or embarrassed that he thinks I need to save my money? In the end though, as far as school stuff, he ended up with a few pairs of pants, his new Nikes (tradition) and a backpack that in my opinion looks to big but little E loves because who doesn’t love Under Armour? As well as the standard new socks and a couple shirts.

So if that wasn’t enough, in waltzes E letting me know he found a flight. So off we go to pay for an overly inflated flight because it’s through a travel agency and y’all know they have to take their huge cut off the top. But hey it’s E’s decision since he’s paying me back for every cent of that flight. So I drop near three grand on E’s flights (Hey Big $pender) and he headed off this past Sunday to put his Father to rest. And me being how I am, sent him a sms this morning reminding him that today his child support is due today as well as the rest of the money for the flight, because life goes on for the living.

So then, because I guess I felt that the cash I spent on Saturday wasn’t enough or something, I went on Sunday and bought a new computer. I don’t know why I say “new” like I have an old one to compare it to lol. I gave my last laptop to my sister N and her husband D when their apartment burned down a couple years ago (shortly when I returned from Kenya) and they pretty much lost everything. When that happened I started them a go fund me page and raised a few grand directly through that page as well as cash and items that were directly donated to them after we realized go fund me took a portion of the money raised. See what a good sister I am? lol. Anyways, so I bought a new desktop computer on Sunday. Partly for myself so I don’t have to continue attempting to do everything required to run my house effectively through my phone, but also, Little E will be needed some more experience with computers (and Z too I suppose) since life revolves around them now. I choose a desktop just to eliminate the argument of where is it/can I take it to my room/ why isn’t it charged that can come with a laptop or ipad.

So those of you thinking it through… Yes, up until now I’ve almost exclusively written all my posts from my phone (apart from 2 or 3 at work on my lunches). So just think of how much better my formatting and grammar will be when I can actually see the whole screen!!! I’m super excited. The computer is supposed to be delivered tomorrow, but since we head out on Friday for a couple days for my Grandma’s memorial, don’t expect to see a change on here for at least a week. Also if the delivery is late… well sucks to be me, because it will be sitting in my backyard/front step for a week until I get back (even though I was guaranteed delivery yesterday) and common… we all know a new computer won’t last a week in my backyard.

THEN, just because I’m in the money spending mood, I’ve finally figured out where and when I’m going to go on my cruise. I decided, since I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica, that it will be a stop on my cruise. I’ve been doing research on different cruise lines and which ones are best for kids, and how they operate their “kids clubs.”

I found that most cruise lines have the kids clubs grouped ages 3-5/6-8/9-12 which for me I don’t think would work well, since Z takes time to get adjusted to new situations, unless she is with her brother. So if I want to be able to enjoy any time alone, and actually relax on this vacation, I need Z to feel comfortable being left alone in the kids club, which will be much easier if she is allowed to be with Little E. After searching the top 5 family friendly cruise lines, I found that Princess Cruise splits their kids so that the kids aged 3-7 are grouped together. So for my family, that would be perfect! They also have a cruise at the beginning of November with a stop in Jamaica, and although it’s slightly more expensive than some of the other cruises I’ve seen, it comes VERY highly recommended. Also I guess their kids programs are a little more science/education based which I know Little E will love and they have dance programs for Z which I’m just excited for because she’s my dancing queen.

I haven’t told the kids about this trip yet, and I’m thinking about seeing if I can pull off the whole wake the kids up one morning and tell them were going on vacation that day type thing? I just always thought that would be SO much fun and I know Z would be thrilled, but I am a little worried it would throw Little E off his game slightly, since he’s very into routine and schedules. I’ll have to  think it though.

Anyways, that’s what’s new with me.

OHH, also I did a closet clean out on Sunday too (like I said I’ve been busy). I’ve lost a fair amount of weight (almost 20lbs) and a majority of my clothes were very ill-fitting now. So I followed the Marie Kon method of choosing to only keep what sparks joy, and here are the results. (No I don’t have a dresser as well, this is absolutely all the clothing I own)

I need someone to start a go fund me page for me now, so I can afford to buy a new wardrobe that fits lol.


-Shirley Bassey/Big Spender-

She Holds The Hand That Holds Her Down She Will Rise Above Don’t Call Me Daughter Not Fit To

So I went for a follow up visit to my Naturopath this morning. And like she asks every 4 weeks when I’m there, she questioned how life is… how are my stress levels, what’s new, etc. And like every previous visit she is shocked by what is going on in my life and how there can possibly be so much change in one month.

My digestion, in my very humble opinion, was getting better for a little while. I think at least. But then since my last visit, just to much went on in my life and it took a definite turn for the worse. I found my stomach rumbling constantly and I was headed to the washroom to shit every couple hours just like old times.

So after going over my Dr’s notes with her, and comparing our timelines, we basically realized that my digestive issues are pretty much directly related to the amount of stress in my life. And since we all know I have a constant level of stress… well we can imagine how well I digest my food and get any nutritional value from anything I eat.

So once again she recommended a few meditation apps and did a few switches to the treatment I’m taking. Then I also got a concoction of vitamins shot into my rear end and I was on my way.

Well not quite. We did also discuss my mother a little first. I didn’t really want to out my mom and our situation to my Dr as my naturopath knows my mom, since she used to be a patient. But in taking about what was stressful in my life right now I did say my mom, which led her to say ‘What now?’ Yeah… my mothers been a reoccurring theme at that office lol. So I decided to explain to my Dr what the issue was and she was shocked.

Shocked that my mom would support not only Trump but the whole situation. I did explain that I’m not sure if my mom still supported Trump, being that I haven’t had a conversation with her since last week, but even the fact that she did, and said she had said that I was the one with the problem was enough for my Dr to be appalled. And to be honest, I kinda felt good hearing that from another person.

Until now, I haven’t discussed this issue with anyone in my life. I blocked my mom on Facebook and haven’t answered her calls this week. I just felt I needed some time to decide where I want our relationship to go from here, if we even are to continue with one. So when my Dr was shocked to hear that my mom was behaving like she is, I felt justified in a way. Like almost that I’m not being overly sensitive. That I should be offended, and I should take a stand on this, and to not back down.

Basically for the first time in this situation I felt more confidence. Because a wiser/older/smarter individual was thinking along the same lines as I was, and agreed with what I had to say. So I just appreciated that moment. She did give me some advice, asking first if I wanted it and saying she didn’t want to over step her boundaries hoping it wasn’t to much (which I appreciated) and suggested that I ask whichever ‘being’ I pray to for guidance. I told her that I stopped going to church a couple months ago, and she said she doesn’t believe in the principle of church either, but that there’s obviously good and evil in the universe we live in. And that something might be controlling it all, so it wouldn’t hurt to throw a ‘prayer’ out for guidance on how to handle this situation so I’m not overwhelmed by it.

So I appreciated her help… but I’m still not sure about the praying thing. I’ve been there and done that and, well, look at me now.

So I headed home and now had the mom thing on my mind again. Although now I felt more prepared to deal with it. Like I said I felt a little more confidence now that I knew… well at least felt like I was on the right side of the fence.

So once I got home I felt the urge to call my sister R, to see how she felt. R and my mom? Not the best of friends. They never really were but it completely broke down one year when I was in Kenya, although I don’t know all the details on the situation, because I only heard it from my mom over the phone, but… here goes….

Since R is married, she obviously had to split holidays between us and her husband J’s family. Well I guess this one Christmas, because of scheduling (plus my mom being pissed at me for being out of the country) it was becoming difficult for mom and R to pick a time/date that would work for everyone to meet for Christmas since R had to keep rescheduling because J’s family kept changing when they were having their family dinner. So what did my lovely mother do? Uninvited R and her family to Christmas.

So, I decided to call R to see how she handled keeping mom at a distance. Omg. She hadn’t even answered the phone yet and I’m getting all emotional. As soon as she said hi? I started crying. That damn vitamin shot. Every time I take it, it makes me so emotional, it’s ridiculous, which I forgot about until I’m bawling on the phone with R. She’s asking if I’m ok, since she’s probably never heard me cry so she must think something terrible is happening and I’m trying to explain that I’m fine, and nothing’s wrong, but I’m seriously crying so hard I sound like a seal giving birth.

So I take a solid two minutes to pull myself together, and manage to get out that nothing’s wrong, so she doesn’t panic. Once I’m in control again, I reassure her it’s nothing crazy just mom and she does the whole ‘Ohhh, go ahead’

So I explained pretty much what I posted here about how I told my mom the things she was constantly posting on Facebook were over the top and maybe she should step back and think a little more before posting things that could be construed as racist next time, and it really affects me because my kids are mixed race, and also just because common don’t be racist. I told R that as of right now mom is blocked and I’m not sure where to go from here.

So R’s advice is pretty much what I was moving towards anyways.

She said leave her blocked, because if she doesn’t understand by now she won’t change. But as far as removing her from yours and the kids life entirely? That’s pretty extreme. She recommended doing like she does. Have a surface relationship with mom. Nothing to deep. If mom invites you for a two hour lunch, say you only have time for a 30 minute coffee. And as far as what influence she may have on the kids? Ultimately mom loves the kids and would never want to hurt them, which I know. But in regards to morals and values that she may teach them? If she does spend time with Little E and Z and they learn something from her that goes against what I am teaching them, it is my job to show them differently. As it will be when they as presented with alternative opinions from any other source outside our home.

So essentially as their mother I have to show them the way I think is truest, but I can’t just hide them from the world. They will see these issues and difficulties and opinions eventually. So I might as well use it as an opportunity to teach my children that everyone has their own views and to start being able to make decisions on our own. For starters that everyone has different views on things and we don’t have to agree, and we can think they are wrong, but we don’t have to let the differences cause arguments. We can just choose to spend less time with those people and more time with the individuals who are more like minded to us, not like looking to us.


-Pearl Jam/Daughter-