Happy Birthday To You Happy Birthday Dear Little E, Happy Birthday To You.

Today is Little E’s 7th birthday. And I have so many things I’ve been wanting to post about, but decided to write about the day he was born. Because that’s a story of its own!

My pregnancy with Little E went great. Absolutely no morning sickness, none of the uncomfortable sleeping at night, just a tiny bit of heartburn near the end which I’m pretty sure can be attributed to all the hair he was born with. I’m very lucky to have had such a good pregnancy because E was no support. Throughout the 9 months, he would often suggest that the baby was in fact not his, and that the night of my failed housewarming ( https://shewassetfree.wordpress.com/2017/04/12/house-warming-it-was-cold-as-fuck/) I had slept with S, and therefore who knows how many other men. As you can imagine this was difficult to deal with while pregnant, and I didn’t feel very supported, so it was nice to at least feel like the baby was working with me.

The only thing that really changed for me was that I craved steak like nobody’s business. I could eat steak for breakfast, lunch, dinner and still want more, until some blood work revealed that it was amazing I was still up and walking since my iron was SO depleted. Once I got on some iron supplements, the cravings slowed and then the only that bothered me was smell.

EVERYTHING stunk to me. Especially E. He would get home from work, I’d have to ask him to shower. He’d come home from rugby practice, where he just showered, and I’d make him do it again. Before we left anywhere, I’d ask him to reapply deodorant, or shower. I know he didn’t actually stink anymore than before, but to me? Oh god the smell was awful. At one point we went to my parents for supper and I actually apologized to my mom for how E smelled and she’s like ‘honey, he doesn’t smell, it’s your nose/hormones’ … didn’t matter to me, I still needed him to shower 3x a day if not more.

So, anyways as we neared, and then passed Little E’s due date, I found myself doing all the preparations for the baby. E didn’t put together one baby item. He didn’t purchase one particle of clothing for our first child. He was barely interested in conversations about the name even. Except of course to throw in the lies about the middle name “tradition” and confuse the shit outta everything. But as far as first names go, it was basically up to me, which I’m so grateful for! At least now I don’t have to say my kids names every day and have regrets about them. I picked them both out and love them thoroughly.

Since apparently my womb is so comfortable, Little E stayed 10 days past his due date and I had to have an appointment to be induced. E decided he didn’t want to come with me, so I drove myself to the hospital. He basically said let him know how it goes and if anything happens, he would come later.

So I was on my own. 22 years old. About to give birth to my first child. And my husband chose work over supporting me.

I went through the process and stayed for about an hour when the nurse came to check me out and said there was no signs of labor so I could head home for now, but to come back if anything changes. So I drove myself home. I had some slight back pain but since this was my first time, I kept waiting for ‘contractions’ and yet had no idea what they would feel like. My back pain kept getting worse and I had no way of relieving it, so I took a shower. E was home from work by the time I got out of the shower but my back was in so much pain all I could do was sit on my towel on my bed. This ended up being probably the best thing for me, since while I was still on the towel, my water broke and I finally clued in that my back pain was actually contractions. #idiot
I told E we had to go now, and his response was that I had to wait since he needed to eat since he just got him from work and was hungry. So while E did whatever he did in the kitchen, I got myself dressed and hauled my hospital bag out to the car, all while in the beginning stages of labor.
E finally moseyed his way to the car and we went to the hospital where I was admitted ASAP.

My mom met us at the hospital since at this point I knew E was going to be probably not too much help and to be honest I was scared and needed someone to actually be there as a support. Most women have their husbands for support, but well, I had E soooo, mom was like my plus one.

My mom came into the room and then E left! I was like what the? And he told us that he didn’t think he was going to stay in the room because where he’s from the men don’t stay, it’s more of a woman’s thing. I was like you get your ass in this room right now! You got me into this! You are going to help me through it! I don’t care if you just stand there silently or even faint! You stay!
So he did, although he just stood there quietly, he stayed in the room.

Meanwhile, because everything was happening so quickly, my room was buzzing with people. My maid of honor from my wedding is actually a labour and delivery nurse and was working that night, which was the only thing keeping me sane. She tried to make sure I had the best Dr. and nurses and when the actual delivery came she was right there helping out too.

I didn’t have a big ‘delivery plan’. I never went to prenatal/Lamaze classes¬† I knew I was all for the drugs though. I mean if I can do this pain-free, then load me up. So they started with the laughing gas (which did nothing to help) while my MOH/nurse tracked down an anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist came and did his poke, but for some reason, the epidural didn’t work either, and this baby was coming NOW.

I remember the Dr doing that dumb counting thing, like for your breathing, and everyone’s saying oh you’re doing great, good job, keep going, and I just snapped. I yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at everyone. In my mind I just wanted quite so I could focus on my own thought in peace, plus their words were doing nothing to help so I just wanted silence. After I yelled though I felt bad so I kept apologizing, and trying to explain how I just needed quite, and everyone’s like no it’s ok, you can yell all you want.

So, the pushing is going on and there’s so much happening in my room with me and E and my mom and about 6-8 staff (I don’t even know for sure) because something is going wrong…. as I’m pushing, the baby gets stuck. So my MOH/nurse gets a stepping stool and stands on it, holds her arms out like she’s about to perform CPR and then literally JUMPS off the stool and pushes onto my belly to push Little E out. Who let me tell you, WAS NOT LITTLE!

Little E was 9lbs 7ozs and a short little sucker. He looked like a sumo wrestler no lie. A cute sumo wrestler. The Dr who delivered him felt the need to comment saying ‘Oh if I had known he was this big, I would’ve done a C-section’. Oh thank you for that. Thanks for saying that NOW! When there’s no going back. Thanks for talking about the huge new life I just pushed through my vagina while you use a dozen plus stitches to close me up. Yeah, thanks. Real professional.

But, aside from having my genitalia ripped open, the drugs not working, and E not being interested at all in being there…

It was the most beautiful day of my life. No I didn’t cry. But that’s because I was very broken at the time. I did cherish it though. I remember Little E had no problem starting to nurse and the feeling of having a new life, a human, so small yet fully functioning, look into your eyes while feeding off of the life you bring it? Priceless.

I stayed up all night just watching him. Making sure he was ok. Changing diapers that didn’t need to be changed, but just to do it. Waking up E so he could bring me the baby in my bed. Holding him. Touching him. Stroking his hair. Looking into his eyes. Singing to him. Just loving him. And I would do it all again.
Everything I’ve been through with E, I would do again just to have the amazing experience of Little E’s life it has brought me.

7 years ago today.


-Patty Hill&Mildred Hill/Happy Birthday-

My Friends All Tell Me Maybe I Should Seek A Psychic They Tell Me Just Beware I May Or May Not Like It

So, take this with a grain of salt, but I went for my first time to see a psychic today. I booked an appointment originally for a chakra healing session out of sheer curiosity and then after that was done I decided since I was there to throw in a palm reading since… well I was there and interested so why not.

So for the healing session, I laid on her table and she had all the music and incense going. Then she laid her crystals on me and told me to relax. Relax More. MORE. MORE!!! Bitch this is me totally relaxed! Like I’m breathing calmly, laying still, I honestly don’t know how to relax more than this! I hate when people tell me to relax, since I hardly ever get worked up. I’m pretty homeostasis all the time. Even if my steady state is a tense stressful state… that’s how I stay lol.

Anyways she started her thing, and spent a lot of her time focusing on my ankle, which made me chuckle inwardly. She’s probably thinking I’ve got tons of ‘blocked energy’ there but in reality, I twisted it on Monday night and it’s just been messed up and swollen since. I figured if she knows what she’s doing, like if she’s the real deal, she’ll figure it out on her own, and I ain’t saying nothing.

So she spent maybe 45 minutes doing her thing with her hands and the crystals and whatever else she did, I can’t really say since I had my eyes closed and was trying to ‘relaaaaaax’ ūüėí. But then she removed the crystals and said when I was ready to come over to the table.

I went to move and I felt very stiff and… heavy? Yeah heavy, while trying to get off the table. It actually took me 2 tries since I couldn’t move my arm the first time it was so heavy. But I slowly made my way to the table and she started to explain what she ‘felt/sensed/saw’ within me.

For starters, she told me my chakras are very balanced, and overall I’m a well-balanced person, with no major ‘blockages’ anywhere. There was only one thing she really noticed which was a feeling of disappointment in my emotional chakra. So now I’m starting to thing this lady might actually know a thing or two considering what’s been going on in my life.

She went on to say she saw something she’d never seen before which was glowing white feathers falling all around me in a bright white light. So she didn’t know if that represented angels or spirituality but that somehow I was very connected to the spiritual world and in some way enlightened.

I recently had an ‘experience’ and thought it might be a little too ‘out there’ to share with everyone here, but at this point, why hide? Especially since it’s so relevant to this.

So this happened maybe 2-3 weeks ago while I was laying in bed one night. I have, as you all know, been really in search of ‘more’. I had stopped going to church and I didn’t want to just be wandering with no direction, so I really wanted a connection. Too feel like the decision I made was a solid one, or the right one to say the least. So I’m laying in bed a few weeks ago before bed relaxing (however relaxed I can get lol) while really thinking about the meaning of life (how’d we get here/where’d we come from/souls etc) and desiring more. Everything more. And then it flooded over me.

It was like waves rushing over from the center of my body floating out from my head to toward my left side, yet my right side was unaffected. It continued for about 5-10 minutes, this rippling effect, like it was peeling layers from my left side away again and again and it was so welcomed and refreshing and I knew in that moment that, yes there was something out there, and I had… I’m not sure… ‘connected’ somehow?
Spiritual enlightenment if you want, you can me crazy or ridiculous or cracked, but it’s made me realize that there is a whole ‘force’ or whatever and to me, it was a good experience.

So back to today, when my psychic was saying she saw feathers and light around me, something she’d never seen. She told me she felt that I was connected and enlightened and I appreciated that. It somewhat confirmed my moment a few weeks back. Don’t worry though, I’m not going to go and become some enlightened yogi or something like that lol. It just solidified what I had felt in my own moment of discovery, kind of like yeah C, you’ve reached a place many don’t, keep at it. Dig deeper.

So as far as what she saw in my chakra, that was about it. She said everything else is very balanced, and firm. She said I’m a strong independent individual and there was nothing standing out that seemed to draw her attention. Her words were that I was strong and firm yet light and airy. Very joyful, yet firmly rooted. Pretty good description if you ask me.

I’m very aware of myself and so if there were issues within, I would’ve dealt with them myself previously. ¬†I’m very witty and pardon my humble brag but I’m hilarious.

And as far as the disappointment she felt, well yeah. I’m well aware of the disappointment. And I know exactly what it’s stemming from. And there’s nothing on my end that can be done to fix it, thus the disappointment. Once the¬†chakra healing was done, I asked her to do the palm reading. I felt she had been pretty accurate so far so why not try to see a little of what’s to come?

Like I said I’ve never been to a psychic before, and I’ve definitely never had my palm read (I’m so vanilla) but she got right on it. Apparently, my hands say A LOT!

On my lifeline, the one near my thumb with all the crossed lines at the top… well all those intersecting lines represent difficulties in my life. She was shocked to see so many but reassured me that they lessen out as time goes on and then asked me my birth date. She then pulled out a notebook and did some number crunching which made no sense to me (probably for the best) and came up with ‘my numbers’ which are apparently 3+6+9. So with that she sees my lifeline steady out around 30 (I’ll be 30 in October) and predicted that most of my “struggles” or major difficulties will have passed by then. At the bottom of my life line it branches out a few times (3) though which she suggests could represent a few significant ‘moves or relocations’. I told her I’ve already moved once to Africa, then back, and she said with living here plus there, she sees one more significant move or relocation in my life, but not for a couple of years. ***Update. My work, and therefore myself, has now relocated to Kelowna, 1.5 years after this reading, making that move number 3****

Moving on, (toward the left on my picture) she said my line representing success in business and finances was very prominent and had a few ‘bumps/triangles coming off of it which meant basically according to her that I will be quite successful in that regards with the triangles representing large increases like work bonuses, raises etc. That’s always good.

Now. The line horizontal to my fingers… with the zillion little x’s intersecting it? Yep. That’s my love line lol. She said she’s getting a block on the line right now. I was like you and me both sister. Then, the thing that bothered me most about the whole visit was what she said next. She sees 3 major relationships on this line. (Tiny ovals near the outer edge mixed with the x’s). Then she said this doesn’t include like 1-2 dates with a guy, but real relationships (what, does this chick read my blog lol). So what now? I consider obviously W, and then E ‘real relationships’… so I guess since W is dead, and NO WAY I’m getting back with E, ¬†Does K count? Or because we’ve never been official than I have one chance left? Who the fuck is #3!!!!!! Or was K #3 and now I’m outta luck. FML.

So then we moved on to the very left side where she was impressed to see many travel lines (along the left outer edge) She said she’s had some people with none or just a few, but I have more than normal. I figured that makes sense since I’ve done lots of traveling, and have a desire to do much more.

So when she did a recap, she said she sees a major move, but not for a couple of years (1-3) I’ll be quite successful business wise, and with that financially too. She said this was most likely because I am a very independent person, with a strong creative streak and also a deep line showing intelligence. Also she threw in there that I have a knack for writing (hay thanks ūü§ó) and it might help with my success. She thinks 30 will be a better year for me, and then mentioned that between the ages of 23 and 26 looks like it was especially difficult. I was 26 when I made the decision to leave E so yeah you could say those years of ‘marriage’ were difficult. And she said that my lifeline looks pretty clear from now on with most of the struggles in the past now. (Phew, good to know) The love line is the one that is quite complex. (Girl preaching to the choir). She closed by saying there is a hold on it for now (the love line) but in about 1.5-2 years it will steady out and to be patient. Then she reiterated the ‘major move’ in 1-3 years, and that was that.

My thoughts? To be honest I went in mostly skeptical, but also willing to be open, I mean I went, right? But as she started talking even before the palm reading I felt she had a good sense of what she was doing. She wasn’t WAY off the mark on anything. Again that’s the reason I decided to continue the palm reading. Will I live my life based on what she told me? Nope. Will I make my life decisions during the next few months with what she said in the back of my mind? I’d like to say no, but the words have been said and they will always be lingering in my subconscious. For now, I’m just trying not to put faces in any of the situations she mentioned and just let whatever happens, happen. I will say that I don’t regret it. It was for sure interesting and I didn’t feel creeped out by her or that she was a total fraud at any point. Although for now, I heard what I heard, and don’t feel I need to go rushing back for my next ‘session’. Now or ever.


-Vanessa Hudgens/Psychic-

I’m Not Gonna Tell You That I’m Over It, I Think About It Every Night I’m Not Sober / If I’m Being Honest

So Army Guy convinced me to go for lunch. And now he’s late. My fricken number one pet peeve is people who are late. Like seriously how special do you think you are that you feel you can make people wait for you?

Ohh wait, he just called (already 10 minutes late) to say he’s just pulling in. Hmmmm not¬†too impressed.¬†I’ll let you know how it goes.


Well lunch was decent. Nothing out of the ordinary bad, but nothing exciting good either. I definitely get the STRONG impression that Army Guy (who only gets that name because he’s also a K… Were K names big in the 80’s?) only wants to have sex. Like I’m sorry that your super horny but it’s not my problem you haven’t had sex in however long and I just got laid like last week… (Yeaaaaa, boyfriend request guy? I invited him over to talk that night, and well, we all know how that normally¬†ends up, especially since I’ve already slept with him) So anyways, it’s not up to me to make sure Army Guy gets laid. I decided I wanna try the whole dating thing, and if he can’t be patient, then move along, because I sure will.

Also… Oh Man. I got home yesterday and had an express post package in my mailbox from the institution K is at. For a brief moment I had so many emotions flood my mind. First I thought maybe he wrote finally, but why express post? Then I thought it might be the prison notifying me of something wrong. I opened that package so fast!

Welp. It was the money order I sent over two weeks ago to K.

At first glance I thought¬†K was so mad at me he refused the money I sent, but then I saw a letter from the prison.¬† The institution had filled out a form saying the correspondence wouldn’t be accepted because I was not on the inmates list of approved contacts, and therefore they were returning it to the original sender.

OH. MY. GOSH! It explains soooo many things.

So now, I’m back to texting the Ex, and the best friend, explaining what happened. Basically, K can’t call anyone without cash in his inmate account, and I thought he had money this whole time. But the tricky thing is, that we cannot contact him to tell him to add our name/address to his “approved list”

To be quite honest, I don’t think he even knows he needs to put people’s names of this “list” because he’s been expecting me to send him money from the jump, when I finally got his final pay check from his work. So this thing has been one shit show after another.

K is probably sitting in a cell, thinking everyone’s abandoned him. Thinking no ones cared enough to send money or¬†write to him. When the reality of it is, the institution hasn’t taken the correct steps to make sure K knows what he needs to do, to receive the money/letters on his end.

So I asked the Ex to spread the word to his family and friends in case he does call anyone, to have them tell K to contact whoever he wants on his list, and get their address. So then at least he can receive things from them.

As for K and I?

Well this does help explain why he hasn’t called. And maybe I did judge him to fast. Also, unfortunately for Army Guy and every other guy I’ve been talking to, I can’t help but compare every thing they do to K. Mostly when they act like douche bags… My first thought is K would never treat me like that.

Maybe he wrecked me for good. Maybe I need more time to get over him. Maybe this is the Universes way of saying I shouldn’t even try to get over him, that we were meant to be together, because as soon as¬†I sent that letter on Sunday, all this stuff that kept drawing me back to him started happening.

For someone who prefers a nice quiet life, this sure is a lot of drama for me.


-Chainsmokers/Honest-

A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I’m literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I’ve heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I’m feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I’ve been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could’ve called he would’ve and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I’m very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… ‘no strings attached’ and how he said he wasn’t going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn’t called anyone! I’m actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don’t give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he’s ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn’t give out that information.

So I’m literally no better than I was before.

Before he even got sent back, K insisted I move on and not spend his entire sentence waiting for him. He specifically told me he’d hate me forever if I ever visited him. He didn’t want me to have anything to do with his criminal side. He wanted me to be free and live free. I think he knew that if he got sent back, it could be for a few months, or once inside, it could turn into much longer than that. And he didn’t want me waiting on him. I don’t think he wanted to have to be dealing with me while inside either. When he was with me, and the K who was on the inside were two different personas. And that was to save his life. He had to maintain a toughness while incarcerated, and that wasn’t the same K he presented to me. So I think he just needed to keep space between the two. What I didn’t know in the moment was if it was only for while he was in, or if he had decided to turn his back on the K I knew forever.

I spent an entire two days trying to ‘move on’ even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM’s me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn’t promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you’re potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he’d ‘behave’ of course. ūüėź.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner ūüėú.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don’t mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would’ve been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn’t MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah that’s a hard no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It’s definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights in advance already?
Why can’t I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there’s J who I haven’t even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I’ve made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I’ve got going on.


-Usher/Yeah-

Don’t Come ‘Round Here No More What On Earth Did You Do That For / You’re An Embarrassment

Oh. My. God. (Becky look at her butt… Just kidding)

E is just so frustrating. He was in town this weekend off from work and asked to see the kids. Sure, that would give me a chance to catch up on the house work since my¬†house was a¬†disaster zone after my nieces slept over and I just hadn’t had the time it needed for a good scrub.

So I asked him if he¬†had any ideas of where he wanted to take the kids or what he wanted to do with them, and (of course) he suggested the SAME place he always takes them. At this point though, I’ve learned to stop suggesting other things. I figure if he wants to bore the hell outta the kids that’s his problem, and he’s just gonna turn my suggestions down so why bother. But I know he feels comfortable there so we decided on a time for me to drop the kids off at the play center and that was that.

When we got there, E was late which is no surprise, so the kids and I fooled around in the car for a bit while we waited for E. I will never understand why he is constantly late. I hate it when people are late. I always let E decide what time is good for him, since he busses it, and I figure he would be able to time it better. But by know I’ve learned to show up about 10-15 minutes after whatever time he says, yet even with me showing up “late”¬†he was still not there.

Once we finally see him saunter up to the car…ever…so…slowly… OH MY GAWD just watching him walk drives me crazy. Z is 3 and walks MUCH faster than him. It’s like his brain can’t even tell his body to move faster than at a snail’s pace. Its infuriating. So he finally gets to the car and then just stands there. Doesn’t wave hello, doesn’t open the door. Nothing. So I motion for him to open the door, and roll down my window¬†so we can discuss a pickup time and what’s happening with the kids etc. Well apparently¬†he only had time to spend about 2 hours with the kids this time around. The kids he hasn’t seen in a month, and he was willing to sacrifice a whole 2 hours to be with them. Special hey? Especially since I can’t imagine anything else he could possibly be doing since he has zero other friends or commitments to attend to. But 2 hours it is.

So we confirmed I would meet them at 1, at a restaurant nearby so the kids could have lunch and then we all went our separate ways.

I had a bunch of things I wanted/needed to get done but and tried to plan my couple hours accordingly, but as per usual¬†E called early at 12:30 asking when I was going to be at the restaurant because they were already waiting for me. I told him I hadn’t planned on being there until 1 (Like we decided)¬†and to go ahead and order for himself and the kids and then reminded him to use the kids menu for them… because this is E and I can never be too safe in assuming he knows normal person protocol.

I got to the restaurant around 12:45 and found them sitting and coloring nicely which was comforting to know E could handle them in public to a certain extent. I ordered a latte and then the food arrived. Lunch went fairly simple, with me keeping the conversation going and trying to get E involved but it was a no go. I had to head to the dollar store next to buy envelopes and invited E with us. He agreed, and off we went. I told him to please keep an eye out for envelopes for me, but ended up finding them myself. Then in true E fashion, right after I told him I found them and put¬†the¬†box in my basket, he proceeded to ask an employee where the envelopes were…. while standing right in front of them. Like seriously? Aggh.

As we headed out to the car I reminded him that Little E’s birthday is this Sunday, and how I was planning on getting him a new bike, would he like to contribute, or did he have other plans? Meanwhile knowing full well he hadn’t even considered getting Little E anything yet, but at least giving him a chance. E said sure and so I asked if he was free to go now to SportCheck to purchase the bike. He said he had a dentist appointment, but it was ok to go now. E is terrified of the dentist and will do anything to avoid it, so off we went to buy a bike.

SportCheck… Oh SportCheck, We found the bike section no problem, and Little E tried a few before he picked the one he felt the most comfortable on and started riding it around the store. E was useless in the process. An employee came to help us at one¬†point and directed¬†his first¬†question to E, I can’t remember what it was, but I had to intervene from around the corner because E just stood there with a blank look on his face. Something about training wheels I think. But I had to actually say “He’s not sure” and then just asked E to occupy Z so I could deal with Little E and the bike situation. Once Little E had picked one, I confirmed with E that the price was ok with him and it was. The employee said if we took it to the “bike shop”, they would tune it up and make sure it was good to go for us.

While we were waiting at the bike shop counter Z had to use the washroom, I was going to take her, so E could pay for the bike, so the lady gave me directions to the washroom, and I started walking. But then I heard her ask for our address, and I knew I should stay to do the paperwork instead. So I asked E to take Z. His first question? Where is the washroom. What? She literally just gave the directions! So I repeated them for him and off they went.

Little E and I finished up with the paperwork and went to meet E & Z at the washroom to avoid having E wander the store. What I didn’t expect though, was to have them walk out the WOMENS washroom.

WHAT!!!!! When he came out I was like what the heck are¬†you doing? You’re a man! A grown man! You should be in the MENS washroom. He was like, Z’s a girl so…. and his voice¬†trailed off. I asked him to please use the men’s bathroom from now on, and just hoped with everything in me¬†that there were no ladies in the bathroom when he walked in.

I was so glad to get out of that store and away from all the people E had basically embarrassed us in front of (again).

It’s my never-ending story, yet I feel for some reason he’s taking a downwards turn. I truly wonder how he survives on his own. And I have to continually remind myself that yes, I can help him, but I cannot be responsible for him anymore. I can’t have that additional stress on my life. So while I help him here and there, I also have to often take a step back and remind myself that I’m no longer his wife, and I don’t have to shoulder that burden anymore.

Sometimes it helps. Sometimes not so much.


-Madness/Embarrassment-

 

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that’s being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn’t blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen since I hate anything cooking related but it was fun to get together. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row (the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn’t want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup ever of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just straight up ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured and vibrating? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here’s an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

*Some context, K had asked me to get his final paycheck from work but no matter what I tried I couldn’t contact his “boss” in order to get the check for him, so I felt awful, because he was going to be using that money to live off of while in prison, for phone calls/commissary etc*


-Tobymac/Gone-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital to get checked out since there was nothing she could do over the phone.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just end up being a waste of everyone’s¬† time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was very impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behavior. And all his actions lead me to believe that he really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with homemade songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or Little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself, I was useless. Or taking the time to teach Little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me because he’s stuck in prison . Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Please Don’t Look At Me With Those Eyes Please Don’t Hint That Your Capable Of Lies I Dread The Thought Of Our Very First Kiss

Maybe my tape measure is faulty, because I can think of no other logical explanation for how every man I’ve recently met recently whose profile said they were 6 feet plus, turned out near my height or as was the case last night, MUCH shorter. I’m 5’9, unless, like I said, every tool I’ve ever used to measure my height was faulty, than men just lie about their height, as if that’s not something noticeable the woman is going to pick up on ASAP. If you feel you MUST lie about something, lie about your shoe size or how many cars you own, or tell me some sad sob story about how your long lost brother died when you were 12 and so you do charity work in his name… just not something obvious that I’m going to be able to call you out on the minute I see you! Common!

So it started off, this guy I’ve really casually been chatting to for a couple weeks asked me out for coffee last night. My kids were spending the night at my parents (Woooo party ūüéČ lol) and so I agreed. Turns out he lived really close and so we picked a coffee shop nearby and a time and that was that.

I decided to walk to the Timmys since it was close by and I just wanted a nice stroll without kids and a chance to clear my head before I met the guy. Basically it was my pep talk time lol. I’d hardly done this before, so since I had about 5 minutes to get ready after work, I brushed my teeth, rolled on some deodorant, went pee and that was the extent of my ‘date’ prep. I threw on my chucks, still in the same clothes I wore to work, stuck in my headphones and headed out the door. Hey I figured if you only give me 5 minutes to get ready, how good can you really expect me to look lol?
The whole 20 minute walk I’m going over scenarios in my head, while reminding myself that if I don’t like him I can leave, and I don’t owe him anything.

So I got to the coffee shop and met the guy. First impression? Eh. I knew right off the bat he was not the one. I found myself comparing him to other men and not liking many aspects of his personal appearance as well as mannerisms. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy and we got alone just fine, like I had a decent night, but no thanks, I’m not interested in doing that again.

He was sitting in a booth so I walked in and sat across from him and we said our hi’s and all that awkward stuff. Then he asked me what I wanted and I gave him my order and then excused myself to use the washroom quickly. I just wanted to regroup and also I’ve been drinking so much water lately that after the walk my bladder was going to burst.
I came out and he was still in line so I joined him and our turn was up. He ordered for us, remembering my order like a pro and we kept up the banter no problem. The problem though? Is that I found myself slouching so that I didn’t seem so tall. It was weird, but subconsciously I feel like if a man goes to such lengths to lie about his height, he must be worried about it, so let me support him by not ever seeming taller than him or something… ridiculous I know, but while we were waiting for our teas I realized a few times that I wasn’t standing as I normally would. Instead my legs were more spread or my shoulders dramatically slouched. I think he noticed it to, since he was constantly leaning on things as if he could defend his height lie by saying oh I’m taller than this it’s because I’m leaning or sitting on the edge here etc.
But moving on lol. We got our coffees and then we road tripped to Costco (super fancy). But nooooo not the 2 right near us, we had to drive to the one way on the other side of town… because, I realized later, 2 buddy’s of his worked in the liquor store at that location and I think he just wanted to be seen with a girl.
So we spent over an hour browsing Costco for about 6 items he needed. That’s it. What a waste of time!
I get it was supposed to be fun, but he just kept pushing the cart so slowly OR WORSE stopping it for like 5 minutes in the middle of the busiest aisle to talk… about nothing! Well that’s a lie. He spent a good solid 10 minutes telling me literally everything he eats in a day. ūüėę. At one point in that conversation I actually told him I was bored with it (rudest thing I’ve ever done on a date) and he said “I know but I’m almost done” and kept going! He used to be a really heavyset guy and over the last 3 years or so I guess he’s lost about 50 pounds, which is great! But I don’t need your detailed meal plan. Like not only did he tell me WHAT he ate, but also portion sizes (ounces and everything) and how he prepared it. It was excruciatingly boring to listen to.

So then we went and browsed the books and movies section where we saw the CD/DVD’s that teach you to speak another language. So we talked about that for a minute and he’s like I’ve always wanted to learn a different language, I should get one. I’m just thinking like dude, don’t get one. If you haven’t bought one by now, you don’t need it/won’t use it, don’t buy it just to impress me. But I kept my mouth shut. Turns out, yep he’s apparently going to attempt to learn Spanish ūüėŹ. Sure he is. That CD is going to sit unopened in his house forever just gathering dust, but that’s not my problem.

Then we finally made it out of Costco and next door towards the liquor store. I’m not a big drinker but he DEFINITELY is. He kept discussing this alcohol vs. that alcohol and the benefits of one compared to the other. It was just another boring conversation. Then he met his 2 friends that I guess he hits up the gym with and he was polite about it, he didn’t chat it up with them forever it was a simple quick hey how’s it going what’s up kinda thing. Then he bought about $400 worth of alcohol. 400 dollars. W. T. F. Dude? Is this a normal Thursday night for you? Or how often do you do this? Or is this a one time impress the girl move? Cause I’m more concerned about your sobriety than impressed to be honest! But whatever you are not my responsibility.

Anyways, we got into the car and at this point we didn’t really have a destination and he was just driving in the direction we came. I hate that. I don’t just ‘go for drives’ I think it’s pointless and a waste of gas. When I drive I have a destination or I at least know like let’s go for a drive around the city… then I know once we finish the loop around the city we’re done and we go home. But the whole “just drive thing”… hard no. Not for me. So I was like just head to my place please, mainly based on the fact I needed to know where we were going. Once we got to my house a massive storm had started and we sat in the car for a while chatting.

I didn’t really want to invite him in but I didn’t really want to be rude and not… so I was like oh, you probably have to get that meat home and in the fridge… or did you want to come in? What time do you have to get up for work again? Knowing he gets up at like 4 AM.
So I did my part lol and he politely declined my lame invite and said yeah he had to get home or he would have come in for sure. Next time definitely. I was thinking that’s assuming there is a next time. I thanked him for the night and then ran into my house through the rain… oh he did offer me an umbrella but I honestly didn’t want to have any reason to have to see him again to have to return it, so I turned it down, besides what’s a little water right? I won’t melt. At least I haven’t yet.

He texted me about 15 minutes later something about getting home through the storm ok, and he tried to continue the conversation for a bit, but I honestly just wanted to chill and maybe watch some tv or sleep, so I wasn’t to responsive.
So to be fair, it was a pleasant enough night, but one I don’t want to repeat. So the next day I politely as possible texted him and explained that he was a nice guy and I had a good time, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for and I didn’t see it going anywhere. Then I wished him all the best.
Better luck to the next one.


-Blink 182/First Date-

No, I Don’t Want Your Number No, I Don’t Want To Give You Mine And No, I Don’t Want To Meet You Nowhere No, I Don’t Want None Of Your Time

Wow! Men are literally coming outta the woodwork.

I took a picture at work and posted it on the gram today (because I look amazing as I discussed yesterday lol) and my phones been going non-stop. I guess I should preface this by saying selfies for me used to be VERY rare. Like my whole Instagram feed has maybe 10 pictures of me, since the dawn of my page about 4 years ago, and probably 5 of them are within the last 6 months. But even those other few pictures never garnered this much response. So now I’ve posted a selfie… and these guys are all up in my DM and texting.

But for real all these guys keep dropping hints like they’re free tonight, or they’re only in town for a little while longer… but then nothing. I’m like, be a man, and ask me out. Don’t leave it to me. Make a plan. Follow through. I’m not impressed by your utter lack of effort. I’m not going to invite guys over to my place just cause it’s convenient for everyone. I want a date. And so either be willing to make that effort or I’m moving on… right fast.

I’m no longer worried about being ‘undatable’ or something. I’ve come to learn that I’m totally dating/marriage material, but men nowadays just don’t ask women on dates.

But I’m a patient woman. I can totally wait for the one that will.

In the meantime though I’m keeping this rant short and sweet since I’m at the park with my kiddos.

Which bring me to who, by the way, decided sand between your toes was an amazing feeling? It’s so annoying! It scratches your feet, rubs between your skin and sandals, and to top it off it’s a pain to walk in.


-TLC/No Scrubs-

Beautiful Girls All Over The World I Could Be Chasing But My Time Would Be Wasted They Got Nothin’ On You Baby

My last 2 days have actually been fantastic. So since my ‘relationship’ with Jenny started almost¬†two weeks ago, I’ve lost over 8 pounds. But¬†even more than¬†that, I’ve just been feeling great. Like more energy and not as tired and just blah. As a result, when my alarm goes off in the morning, I’m totally¬†prepared to get up and start getting ready for the day instead of pressing snooze for what used to be on average 5-6 times, basically as many times as possible. Like I would literally think through if it was absolutely necessary for me to brush my teeth some mornings just so I could get that coveted 9 more minutes of sleep. No comment on how many mornings I did choose sleep over hygiene, but I’ll admit they were sprinkled in here and there, so my apologies to any co-workers who had to get too close lol. Anyway, now I get up straight away, feeling refreshed, which has led me to spend maybe 5-10 minutes more¬†on myself each morning while doing my hair or make-up or even choosing my outfit. Heck today I’m even wearing heels which I used to do all the time, but for some reason stopped doing it recently.

As it turns out, this added prep time has not gone unnoticed. Yesterday morning, I walked on my break for coffee and I was on the phone with a friend but when I walked in I saw a cute guy at the register and so I smiled, like I do to basically everyone I make eye contact with, because, well human decency. Turns out when I went to order, he had paid for my drink. It made my morning!

Then later¬†last night I received a text from a guy I met a LONG time ago, and he straight up asked me to be his girlfriend like right off the bat. UMMM What?Charles¬†Don’t get me wrong, I am an amazing lady ūüėČ but I was just shocked. First, because now at 29, this is actually the first time a man had asked me to be his girlfriend (don’t you feel privileged to be part of it lol), but more so because it literally came out of nowhere. I hadn’t even seen/talked/sms’d this guy all year, like it’s been months and now all of a sudden you wanna date me? Not only have I not thought of you once during this time but I don’t find you attractive or see any potential in you whatsoever. So thank you, but no thanks. Also a word to the wise, if you’re planning on asking a chick to be your girlfriend, maybe build up to it… not just a text after months of not speaking… I dunno just sayin’.

Then this morning, I dropped the kids off at day care and this Dad I see maybe once every 2 weeks or so was there. Every time I see him he always makes a big deal of saying good morning or asking how I am, whereas for me, I’m more of a get in get out, the less human interaction that early in the morning the better, type person. Anyways this morning he literally said word for word “Oh my God you look beautiful today”¬† At first I was shocked, and a little offended, like what? You think I look like trash every other day? (Because let’s face it, that’s¬†most likely the truth lol)¬†But then I just took the compliment for what it was and enjoyed it. It’s amazing how such a genuine comment can make a woman’s day. Also just now,¬†I had to run to the pharmacy¬†during my¬†lunch and then walked to the post office, and I had doors held open for me galore. Even when it was from an awkward distance and I kinda felt like I had to walk quicker so they didn’t have to wait… Those men didn’t mind lol.¬† Finally to top it all off,¬†the¬†guy in front of me in the line at the post office gave me a stamp he had just bought so that I didn’t have to buy a whole pack.

It’s just been a definite confidence booster that’s for sure.

So I knew that even when we had a visitor in the office this morning who felt the need to bring a 50 pack of TimBits¬†(or donut holes for those of you less fortunate non-Canadians) for the 3 of us, ¬†it was worth it for me to not have any. It was worth it for me to stay dedicated to Jenny (lol). Because I’m feeling good. I’m looking good. And other people are noticing.

So why mess with a good thing?


-B.O.B/Nothin’ On You-