If Your Not The One For Me Why Do I Hate The Idea Of Being Free/Why Have We Been Through What We Have Been Through 

Making the best choice for yourself in life is shitty sometimes. Whether it’s as simple as eating healthy food vs. a cheeseburger or cutting out people who you feel aren’t the best for you in order to make room for someone who will help you grow better. Both aren’t fun, but the “friend” option is more painful for much longer.

Which is why I’m hoping with everything in me that it will lead to more growth in the end.

I know most of you are thinking that after the whole body image (more about it here… Flaws On the Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure ) thing I probably drew a hard line with K and that was that. Oh sure I did. In the fucking sand. And then the waves that were my feelings for him came and washed what little resolve I had out the window and I was back where I started. Or worse, I don’t even know. What I do know, is that K took full advantage of my feelings and we continued to fuck, and then some. It’s just that he knows what to say to pull at my heart-strings and get what he wants. Which is basically sex without putting in the work of a relationship. But’s infuriating because I want it too. But I also want a relationship now with him. Which I’ve never felt about anybody before in this way. Ever.

And I’m so broken and embarrassed by that. Because he’s manipulated me so well, or actually he hasn’t because he was so truthful, and I hate myself for falling soooo far for him. For a man who was very careful to never say I love you to me, but would hold me in his arms and make me feel like my heart was safe. Yet when I was vulnerable, take my heart and break it. For what feels like the hundredth time. Into a shit ton of tiny pieces.

This man who would draw me in, and tell me secrets, and I would tell mine too… but never had any plans or desires to be with me in the future. Throw out comments like be his woman and his wife, ask if I would move here or there and discuss future things… And then turn around and claim he never led me on. Saying since he never said he loved me, that it makes everything else fine.

Maybe it does. Maybe I’m looking to far into it. Maybe the words I love you are more important than him saying you know how much you mean to me C, or holding me, or kissing me the way he did. I guess in his mind that was the only thing that mattered, the actual words I love you. And I shouldn’t feel so hurt.

But I do.

I hurt.

I’m crying. For everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve had taken from me. Everything I’ve given away. Not just involving K, but in my life.

And I hate it.

Because I thought I was stronger than this.

This stupid girl who fell in love with a man who I feel was using her.

Again.

But I just let him.


-Adele/Water Under The Bridge-

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They Know I Have No Choice But To Show My Secret Identity 

I get nervous when I look at my stats. Today someONE in Canada has  been really interested in my blog, reading every post I’ve ever written. And while that would be flattering in any other country, it makes me anxious.

What if it’s someone I know? Or who knows me? Who finds my story so interesting that they have to read everything in one sitting?
Yes, I know it shouldn’t bother me since it’s the truth and what happened, happened. And I don’t care what people think of ME. What concerns me are my kids. I made these choices, and this is my life that I’m writing about, but what if someone in my family finds out and somehow it affects Little E and Z?

I don’t want any judgement poured on them or looks thrown their way because of decisions I made.

Trust me, they’ll make enough crappy choices of their own in life. They don’t need to be judged by mine.

So, if it’s you reading my blog… Hi. I love new readers, I’ve almost reached 500 followers in the 2 months I’ve been writing, so I’m glad you enjoy it. But next time, please like a post here or there or jot down a comment so I know who you are? It would save me so much anxiety!


-Aviators/Secret Identity-

To Be In Love With Someone Who Could Never Love You

Have you ever been in a relationship or just a friendship where you felt like they were your everything and you were just ‘something’ to them… at best?

Or where you can’t be with them because of a dumb or made up reason and you find yourself always having to contain your feelings/emotions for them because you know how you feel for them won’t be reciprocated?

So you go around day after day, pretending that how your friendship, as it stands, is enough for you when deep inside your screaming for more, but at the same time worried to push for what you want because then you might lose the little that you have.

It’s infuriating. To love someone who doesn’t love you.

It’s embarrassing. To want someone so much.

It’s degrading. To continually be pushed aside.

It’s humiliating. To feel like I still want more despite all this.

It’s just fucken annoying. That I have so much more to say, yet can’t say it to the person that matters. For fear of losing it all.


-Frank Ocean/Bad Religion-

Promiscuous Girl You’re Teasing Me You Know What I What And I Got What You Need 

K, I originally wrote this yesterday while waiting to meet my friends for lunch, when my whole WordPress crashed and I lost the entire fucking post. I was choked. So sorry if it’s not as “good” as normal, but I’m really just moody about having to redo it. 😒. 

This morning I met a friend for coffee at a new cafe in our city’s brewery district downtown. It was a cute enough place and all, but it was the location that caught my attention. Last time I was in that exact spot, it was still an empty lot. Well, apart from myself and J.

J was the last guy I met/slept with before E. He was also one of the few who managed to make it past the “one and done,” rule mainly because his one was… well it was GOOD! Lol. J was memorable for a few things, the main one being we never had sex in the same spot twice. We were only “friends” for about a month, but you name a place, we fucked there.

Yes, including the once empty lot in a bustling downtown metropolis which now houses an up and coming urban cafe.

It was a very cool late winter/early spring night when we went for a walk downtown and, as things are prone to do on a casual walk with your friend with benefits, the topic turned sexual. So sexual in fact, that we decided it was pertinent to deal with things then and there instead of heading home. So we found a somewhat dimly lit place and stripped down to nothing in the backlot to take care of business.

There are definitely some ups and downs to having sex outside of the bed/ house. For starters, you know when you get really into it and you get all hot and sweaty? Not a problem outside in March in Canada, since the freezing temperatures keep you cool. Also, the adrenaline factor alone, you know, thoughts of being seen/watched/caught makes the whole experience way more intense. On the down side? There’s gravel or sand where nothing should ever be, and you thought rug burn from sex was bad? Think road rash. 😵.

But J and I had fun! He was always making plans for us to do things exciting together. He wanted to be seen out in public with me. We never just chilled at home watching tv or on the couch. J made moves and brought me with him. We had sex outside the club like in the literal doorway of the club while his friend stood “guard”. We messed around in my parking garage on many occasions. He took me to see the lights on the bridge and then we climbed it and…yep we very dangerously screwed up there.

J had ideas and plans and brought me with him on his journey for the month I knew him. I appreciated that he didn’t just want to come to my house and fuck and then leave. We got out. We did things. We had fun.

Then it wasn’t enough for me? Or, I don’t even know. But for some unknown reason I was still meeting up with other guys and found E. And for some reason that will never be a good one, I picked E over any of the guys I was messing with, and I was done with J. I was done with being taken out for fun. I was done with a guy wanting to be with me in public and taking me dancing. I had my last opportunity to be driven around in a super fancy car *I know I said I’ve never dated a guy with a car before, but I don’t count these guys as dating. Unless we had an actual conversation about being ‘together’ then to me we weren’t dating. We weren’t exclusive unless they asked me to be theirs… make sense? Probably not, but that’s because my mind is MESSED up when it comes to guys. Every other area I’m pretty steady in though.

Shit I made a bad decision. Choosing E (among others). Hopefully one I’ve learned from. I’ve learned that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to have fun with me. I don’t want a relationship that’s hidden in the house, since that’s all E and I ever did because of his paranoia. E never wanted to go out with me, nor did he have any ideas if we did actually venture out. I want a guy who wants to DO things with me. I want to live life with them. Not sit/lay around the house all day. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Now just to find that guy.


-Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland/Promiscuous-

Your Life Ain’t Gonna Be Nothing Like My Life, Your Gonna Grow And Have A Good Life. I’m Gonna Do What I Got To Do. 

Last night at dinner, Little E nearly broke my heart, which as we’ve previously determined is hard to do lol. I mentioned to the kids that on Sunday I invited my Dad (and by association my Mom) out for lunch for Father’s Day, and asked them if they had any suggestions of where they’d like to go. We are fairly close with my parents, having lived with them for almost 2 years during my divorce, and now see them probably 1-2 times a week, since my parents LOVE my kids. Which, yeah of course, I get it, every grandparent loves their grandchildren, but my kids hold an extra special place in my parent’s heart.
Anyways, when I mentioned the lunch to the kids, I said maybe we could make a little gift for Nonno (Italian for Grandpa) to give him at lunch, or if they wanted, they could give him the Father’s Day gift they were most likely doing up at school/daycare and Little E got a little upset. I guess at daycare, he choose not to make a Father’s Day gift because he didn’t want to give one to E. It never occurred to him that he could still make it, but give it to someone else, although in years past my kids have gifted their school/homemade crafts to my Dad during the holiday, since E has never been around. I asked Little E why he had chosen not to participate in the activity, and he said he didn’t want to say because it was rude. So I explained that anything he had to say to me was ok right now, and that all his feelings about this situation were important and valid to have, and he wouldn’t get in trouble for feeling/expressing them now.

So he said he hadn’t wanted to make E a present, because in his words “E is lazy and boring.” Wow, way to hit the nail on the head! Little E will be 7 next month and has totally figured out this E thing. He said he doesn’t like to spend time with E because all he does is sit there. He doesn’t play with him and doesn’t even talk with him, so therefore Little E doesn’t feel he “deserves” a gift for Father’s Day, because he isn’t a good Father. So I explained that if he doesn’t want to make E a gift, I would never force him to. A gift is for someone to express your feelings, not just because it’s a holiday. So if your feelings are that you don’t like the person, then don’t get them a gift. But then I reminded him, on the other hand, if he does enjoy someone’s company and feel they “deserve” a gift, then he didn’t need to wait for a holiday to give them one. I also told him that if he felt he missed out on an opportunity to make something for Father’s Day that he could’ve potentially given to someone else like Nonno, I would help him come up with another craft to do.

He thought about it for a moment and decided that nope, no one was worthy of his crafting time… although I’m pretty sure he just didn’t want to invest his time coloring anything since the whole crafting thing is quite possibly his least favorite activity. Instead he spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince Z she should give her gift to Uncle D, whom I’m pretty sure is only on Little E’s mind since he’s taking him fishing this Saturday. But Z stood firm in her stance of giving her gift to me. Hey I did say they could choose whomever they wanted lol and who was I to argue with another homemade gift headed my way? Besides, I currently fill the role of mom and dad so why not accept a fathers day gift?

As for E, well I can probably expect him to call to ask me what the kids got him for Father’s Day, as he does every year. To which I will tell him he gets the joy of their presence and to try to make to most of it while he has it. Meanwhile in the back of my mind I will be thinking you don’t deserve anything…You didn’t get me anything for Mothers Day… Ever… You know, those kind of things, but left unspoken of course.

Until then though, I’ll prep once again for the onslaught of do-gooders who will comment on my single mom status, and the “how do I do it” stuff. Same as Mother’s Day… but perhaps even more annoying if possible. While attempting to maintain my composure and focus on raising my kids. Hopefully I’m doing it “right.”


-Clean Bandit Feat. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie/Rockabye-