I fucken messed up. Majorly. Not just something simple that I could fix with an apology. But I messed up someone’s everyday living.
I didn’t tell the whole story about last Friday with K and I.
Yes, K came over and told me he loved me for the first time. Yes, he said no strings attached. Yes, the sex was amazing. But I left out the fact that I was already high when he came over. I also left out the fact that he also got high when he arrived.
Now I only smoke weed. Nothing to serious, and I do so quite often as I’ve found that it’s not only enjoyable, but has seriously helped with my headaches that my seizures cause. K’s drug of choice is a little more illicit, although in the end I guess it wouldn’t have mattered, because K is still on parole, which means no drugs or alcohol of any sort.
Last time K had a close call he swore off it until he was at least done his parole, and he was following his promise to a T. Until I started messing around with us and writing basically any/all of my posts from last week. They led him to both finally say I love you to me, but also get high again.
I know it’s his own choice and I cannot stop him, which although I mention it, I don’t attempt to grab the pipe out of his hands, because I know ultimately it’s his choice, just like me getting high of marijuana is my choice. But I can’t help thinking I did not at all help the situation.
The reason this is so important? Because yesterday he had to do another random drug test for parole, which he was quite confident he would fail. And he wanted to go on the run which since I’ve never been to prison I don’t know his thought process behind, but it must suck to consider going on the run for the rest of your life instead of going back for the remainder of your warrant, which in his case is about 10 months. I told him it wasn’t worth it, and that I would come visit him, and that he still has the rest of his life ahead of him… and that was it… he had to go saying he would call me.
No call all night, until this morning, where he tells me he talked again to his Parole Officer explaining the situation and she says that she would talk to her supervisor but didn’t think there was much she could do. He also told me if I visited him in prison, he would hate me forever. Probably because he doesn’t want me to see him like that, which is ridiculous, but I’ll respect it.
But then it happened. A single Instagram post with the cops outside his window saying “I’m gon”
Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had to get ahold of anyone in jail/prison before. I don’t know what to do. And the thing is, it’s been so rough the last maybe week, all because of me, and I can’t help but think, if I had handled things better, then maybe he would’ve handled things differently, and the result would be far from here.
All I know is I still love him. All I wanted this whole time was to hear him say it to me. Those 3 simple words. And he did, because he realized how much I needed it. Yet I feel in a way it cost him his freedom. And I feel awful. Love shouldn’t put people behind bars. Love should make people feel freer than they ever have.
So now all I can do is wait. Wait for him to reach out to me, when he can. Hoping he doesn’t hate me. I didn’t mean to mess this all up for him. I honestly want to be there for him, but unlike last time when he thought he was going back, and was asking me to help out with a couple things, this time was nothing. I reminded him again and again I would help him with whatever, but I feel like he was pushing me away. It’s like after that confession/admission of love the whole dynamic changed between us and he didn’t want me involved in anyway with anything related to his criminal life.
So now, all I can do is wait. And hope he’s okay.
Like I said, I messed up big time. Me and my neediness.
-The Fray/How To Save A Life-