I’m At A Payphone Trying To Call Home All Of My Change I Spent On You/Baby It’s All Wrong Where Are The Plans We Made For Two

Nothing.

They say no news is good news, but that’s the biggest pile of shit ever.

It’s only been like just over 48 hours, so I’m trying to be patient, but I guess it’s not a strong point of mine.

I started off my day yesterday researching where to even start looking for where to contact K. I googled so many different searches that if I die and my browser history is revealed, people will have some weird questions about me. Anyways it lead me to a phone number for the cops about recent arrests… which I dialed. But as I make my way through the automated voice response, to the extension I needed, a recording starts which says that ‘they cannot release information about detainees over the age of 18, and it is up to them to inform their families of their whereabouts’ Oh great, I’m thinking. Why bother having this number anyways if you can’t give out information!?!

Then, an actual person comes on the phone and I explained that although I heard the recording, I’m looking for an individual who was recently arrested after breaking parole, and I have no idea where to start looking. He said if it was a parole violation most likely he was sent to a certain center and to try there. So I thanked him for at least pointing me somewhere and then looked up the centers phone number.

Yep, you guessed it. Same thing. They won’t release information on individuals held there. So now, the only way I’ll know where K is, and if he’s ok, is if he calls me, or reaches out to me in any fashion.

And that scares me. Because why hasn’t he yet? And what if he doesn’t. Like I get he has to contact his family first and like a lawyer maybe… I don’t know how it works, and maybe he’s only allowed a certain number of calls a day… or maybe he doesn’t have money for a call?

So many thoughts are running through my head, mainly, is he ok? And will he call? And why did things have to pause on such an unstable note between us? And how long do i wait for him to call before realizing he won’t? What if he blames me for him being sent back?

What if he feels I pushed him to get to emotional, and even though he was feeling love towards me, and I knew it and he knew it? What if me needing to hear those words from him so badly was to hard for him and lead him back to the drugs? Thus leading him back to prison? A stretch I know, but in the moment, for someone trying to stay off meth, anything could push them over the limit.

And he did it for me. Knowing how important it was for me. He did it to make me happy.

Agggghhhh. I seriously don’t even have the proper words to describe my feelings/frustration.


-Maroon 5/Payphone-

Where Did I Go Wrong I Would Have Stayed Up With You All Night Had I Known How to Save a Life

I fucken messed up. Majorly. Not just something simple that I could fix with an apology. But I messed up someone’s everyday living.

I didn’t tell the whole story about last Friday with K and I.

Yes, K came over and told me he loved me for the first time. Yes, he said no strings attached. Yes, the sex was amazing. But I left out the fact that I was already high when he came over. I also left out the fact that he also got high when he arrived.

Now I only smoke weed. Nothing to serious, and I do so quite often as I’ve found that it’s not only enjoyable, but has seriously helped with my headaches that my seizures cause. K’s drug of choice is a little more illicit, although in the end I guess it wouldn’t have mattered, because K is still on parole, which means no drugs or alcohol of any sort.

Last time K had a close call he swore off it until he was at least done his parole, and he was following his promise to a T. Until I started messing around with us and writing basically any/all of my posts from last week. They led him to both finally say I love you to me, but also get high again.

I know it’s his own choice and I cannot stop him, which although I mention it, I don’t attempt to grab the pipe out of his hands, because I know ultimately it’s his choice, just like me getting high of marijuana is my choice. But I can’t help thinking I did not at all help the situation.

The reason this is so important? Because yesterday he had to do another random drug test for parole, which he was quite confident he would fail. And he wanted to go on the run which since I’ve never been to prison I don’t know his thought process behind, but it must suck to consider going on the run for the rest of your life instead of going back for the remainder of your warrant, which in his case is about 10 months. I told him it wasn’t worth it, and that I would come visit him, and that he still has the rest of his life ahead of him… and that was it… he had to go saying he would call me.

No call all night, until this morning, where he tells me he talked again to his Parole Officer explaining the situation and she says that she would talk to her supervisor but didn’t think there was much she could do. He also told me if I visited him in prison, he would hate me forever. Probably because he doesn’t want me to see him like that, which is ridiculous, but I’ll respect it.

But then it happened. A single Instagram post with the cops outside his window saying “I’m gon”

And now?

Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had to get ahold of anyone in jail/prison before. I don’t know what to do. And the thing is, it’s been so rough the last maybe week, all because of me, and I can’t help but think, if I had handled things better, then maybe he would’ve handled things differently, and the result would be far from here.

All I know is I still love him. All I wanted this whole time was to hear him say it to me. Those 3 simple words. And he did, because he realized how much I needed it. Yet I feel in a way it cost him his freedom. And I feel awful. Love shouldn’t put people behind bars. Love should make people feel freer than they ever have.

So now all I can do is wait. Wait for him to reach out to me, when he can. Hoping he doesn’t hate me. I didn’t mean to mess this all up for him. I honestly want to be there for him, but unlike last time when he thought he was going back, and was asking me to help out with a couple things, this time was nothing. I reminded him again and again I would help him with whatever, but I feel like he was pushing me away. It’s like after that confession/admission of love the whole dynamic changed between us and he didn’t want me involved in anyway with anything related to his criminal life.

So now, all I can do is wait. And hope he’s okay.

Like I said, I messed up big time. Me and my neediness.


-The Fray/How To Save A Life-

Mama She Has Taught Me Well Told Me When I Was Young Son Your Life’s An Open Book Don’t Close It ‘Fore It’s Done

So I took the kids to the park yesterday and as Z went off on the slide, Little E and I had our “conversation”

The whole “Why doesn’t Dad live with us?” question that he had asked me earlier in the day… I thought I had mentally prepped my answer, thought it through, and I thought I was ready to handle it in a way a 6-year-old would understand, without many follow-up questions.

I thought wrong.

We sat on a park bench and I told him that dad used to live with us and asked him if he remembers living in Kenya with him. He said oh yeah. I went on explaining that something happened between mom and dad, where dads imagination/brain made him think he was in danger a lot and at that time, his mind told him that mom was a bad person, so he hurt mom. So I made the choice that even though at the time I loved dad, I had to make sure you and Z, plus myself, were going to be ok. Because I didn’t know if dads mind was going to think up any other silly things that might hurt anyone else. So I took you, and Z and we moved out of the house where dad was, and back to Canada to live with Nanna and Nonno.

I wanted to make sure everyone was safe. And now, like I’ve told you before, dad takes medicine to help his voices go away, so he’s not scared anymore. But the medicine also makes him very tired. Which is why when he visits you and Z, he just likes to sit there and doesn’t talk much or have the energy to play with you.

This whole time Little E was taking it all in and asking a few questions here and there, but then he asked this ‘how did you disobey?’

It occurred to me that Little E STILL remembers what happened to me (he was unfortunately in the room) and also still views it as a spanking. I do spank my kids very rarely, but I don’t beat them like E did me. I think because I closely monitor what my kids watch on TV or see online etc, this was the only ‘violence’ he’d really known. So the only word he had to describe one person hitting another in any fashion, was spanking. And therefore, since I obviously don’t spank my kids for fun, he associated it with the fact that I must’ve been being disciplined for something I’d done wrong in the eyes of E. Totally reasonable though process for a 6 year old.

So I explained that (please bear with my very basic explanation, he’s 6 not 16, I had to make sure I was on his level) husbands and wives don’t have to obey each other like kids should obey their parents. Parents have to teach kids because you’re still learning and we are there to guide you. But moms and dads should be a team. Not one the boss of the other. I’m still on your team Little E, but I’m coach. There’s a difference. Ok? He kinda nodded but I think he still wanted to know what I did wrong to warrant such a ‘spanking’. Probably so he could avoid that behavior in the future and not get in such “trouble” himself.

But I reassured him that dads medication made sure that when he’s with Little E and Z, he’s ok. Meanwhile my mind is screaming out a million ‘what if’s’  And reminded him that we’re doing great and having fun living in our house with just the 3 of us.

That’s when he pulled out “Maybe I’ll have another dad one day, that would live with us!” And I said yep. (and then of course the tears welled up, seriously what is wrong with me these days) One day mommy will maybe start dating a man and then get married and you and him can talk about him being your dad. Because Little E, E will always be your dad, but… and then he interrupted and said ‘but then I could have two dads!’ With a big smile on his face. I said ‘one day, maybe.’

And in my head simply thought how much I wanted that for him as he joined his sister in the park.


-Metallica/Mama Said-

By Now You Should’ve Somehow Realized What You Gotta Do I Don’t Believe that Anybody Feels The Way I Do About You Now

This post is just some odds and ends about everything that’s been happening lately. I just don’t feel like going to deep into anything because life has been really handing it to me this week, but have I have a lot of quick updates I’d like to share.

My Grandma apparently specified that all the grandkids were to split the money from a piece of land she just recently sold, with everything else going to my grandpa. So I can expect an amazing check from her estate within the next two weeks and I have decided that I’m going to use a portion of it to take my kids and I on a cruise on (or near) my 30th birthday this fall (well that and some backyard renos… among other house fixes. I have to tear up my deck$$$ and so, fake grass here we come). I’ve never been on a cruise or on a relaxing holiday as an adult. Yes I’ve traveled a lot, but never on holiday. So I’ve decided it’s about time. I’ll get back to you in a month or so once I’ve booked it with more details.

Speaking of timelines, the divorce SHOULD be nearing the end. I feel like I’ve been saying this for about 1.5 years, but for real now, everything is agreed on and unless E pulls some random move, we should be signing within a month or two and I’ll officially be a single woman.

Next, work has asked me to start working an extra day per week. So starting in July I’ll move from 3 to 4 days a week and still have a long weekend every week. The extra remuneration is totally worth it, and I’m planning within 6-8 months to get a new car with the additional cash. Cause I still hate my junk bucket.

Plus on top of all that, Little E asked me this morning out of the blue why we don’t live with dad anymore. We were on our way into my parents house and so I told him I would talk to him about it when we had a chance to sit down and discuss it fully later today. I know he knows what happened, because he’s brought it up in the past, he used to refer to it as the time daddy gave mommy a spanking, since that’s the only way his young mind could explain it. Although its been a while since he’s talked like that. I’m not sure if he’s forgotten about the incident or if he just doesn’t get why E doesn’t live with us. I really have to think through how I’m going to deal with this.

I have to really think through how I’m going to handle a lot of stuff in my life right now.

I’m just hoping I get a redo in some areas. Wouldn’t that be nice? A rewind button on life. And yes, I do realize I have a lot of money coming my way in the next while, between my grandma dying, E’s unpaid support, and work upping my pay. Maybe Karma does exist lol? I went for a long time with very little. I sacrificed a lot for both E and the kids. I moved to the middle of nowhere with no electricity or running water for years. No makeup or new clothes or food I didn’t grow. No internet or phone…I kinda feel like I’ve earned everything that’s coming to me. Now I just have to try not to spend it before it’s in my pocket 😏


-Oasis/Wonderwall-

Because He Loves You Cheeseburger With All His Heart

This morning Little E asked if he could make pancakes for himself and Z for breakfast. I figured no big deal, I had bought some frozen pre-made (fancy I know) pancakes a few weeks ago and they hadn’t had a chance to eat them yet. So since Little E normally makes the two of them breakfast he set about popping “them” into the toaster.

A few minutes later he called up asking for some help, saying he thought something was wrong. So I went downstairs and as I was walking down the stairs it smelt like someone was BBQing in my house. Little E said he couldn’t find the pancakes but found some “other round things” and toasted them instead.

Turns out he had put 4 frozen hamburger patties in the toaster.

Oh. My. God.

My toaster was a disaster. The meat had started to melt into the wires inside the toaster, while the rest of the patties remained frozen, it was nasty to say the least. I pulled out the patties, and told Little E that it was a mistake, but not the end of the world and that they would have to have cereal today until I had a chance to clean the toaster… or buy a new one because it’s disgusting!

But it made me think about how we learn from our mistakes. At least we should learn from our mistakes. Because the truth is that we will all make copious amount of silly naive decisions in our lives, but the key is it gives us the opportunity to learn from them. Hopefully. Thinking about this morning, I for one am going to stop using so many unmarked Ziploc bags in my freezer. It may not have been me directly who put the hamburgers in the toaster, but I could have contributed to the problem.

I’m trying to take responsibility for my actions and see what role I play in situations. I’ve learned that placing blame never helps anybody and just leads to more confrontation, back and forth, and basically explodes any situation that could be simple and calm into full-blown arguments if no-one will admit fault.

So today I’ve been thinking about “arguments” in my life that I could’ve handled better. Normally I see my faults, and admit it quickly, but I also can hurt people in the process of pointing out their flaws. Mainly because I say it like it is and don’t see the point of sugar-coating it. I guess could learn to be kinder. Some people still like to see themselves as perfect, and showing them their imperfections is hardly enjoyable to them, or anyone, myself included. But also I could learn to keep my mouth shut and let people make these self discoveries on their own.

Some people left to their own devices can be a dangerous thing and might not ever realize they are “wrong”, although it’s not up to me to save the world lol.


–Veggietales/His Cheesburger-

If Your Not The One For Me Why Do I Hate The Idea Of Being Free/Why Have We Been Through What We Have Been Through 

Making the best choice for yourself in life is shitty sometimes. Whether it’s as simple as eating healthy food vs. a cheeseburger or cutting out people who you feel aren’t the best for you in order to make room for someone who will help you grow better. Both aren’t fun, but the “friend” option is more painful for much longer.

Which is why I’m hoping with everything in me that it will lead to more growth in the end.

I know most of you are thinking that after the whole body image (more about it here… Flaws On the Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure ) thing I probably drew a hard line with K and that was that. Oh sure I did. In the fucking sand. And then the waves that were my feelings for him came and washed what little resolve I had out the window and I was back where I started. Or worse, I don’t even know. What I do know, is that K took full advantage of my feelings and we continued to fuck, and then some. It’s just that he knows what to say to pull at my heart-strings and get what he wants. Which is basically sex without putting in the work of a relationship. But’s infuriating because I want it too. But I also want a relationship now with him. Which I’ve never felt about anybody before in this way. Ever.

And I’m so broken and embarrassed by that. Because he’s manipulated me so well, or actually he hasn’t because he was so truthful, and I hate myself for falling soooo far for him. For a man who was very careful to never say I love you to me, but would hold me in his arms and make me feel like my heart was safe. Yet when I was vulnerable, take my heart and break it. For what feels like the hundredth time. Into a shit ton of tiny pieces.

This man who would draw me in, and tell me secrets, and I would tell mine too… but never had any plans or desires to be with me in the future. Throw out comments like be his woman and his wife, ask if I would move here or there and discuss future things… And then turn around and claim he never led me on. Saying since he never said he loved me, that it makes everything else fine.

Maybe it does. Maybe I’m looking to far into it. Maybe the words I love you are more important than him saying you know how much you mean to me C, or holding me, or kissing me the way he did. I guess in his mind that was the only thing that mattered, the actual words I love you. And I shouldn’t feel so hurt.

But I do.

I hurt.

I’m crying. For everything I’ve lost. Everything I’ve had taken from me. Everything I’ve given away. Not just involving K, but in my life.

And I hate it.

Because I thought I was stronger than this.

This stupid girl who fell in love with a man who I feel was using her.

Again.

But I just let him.


-Adele/Water Under The Bridge-

They Know I Have No Choice But To Show My Secret Identity 

I get nervous when I look at my stats. Today someONE in Canada has  been really interested in my blog, reading every post I’ve ever written. And while that would be flattering in any other country, it makes me anxious.

What if it’s someone I know? Or who knows me? Who finds my story so interesting that they have to read everything in one sitting?
Yes, I know it shouldn’t bother me since it’s the truth and what happened, happened. And I don’t care what people think of ME. What concerns me are my kids. I made these choices, and this is my life that I’m writing about, but what if someone in my family finds out and somehow it affects Little E and Z?

I don’t want any judgement poured on them or looks thrown their way because of decisions I made.

Trust me, they’ll make enough crappy choices of their own in life. They don’t need to be judged by mine.

So, if it’s you reading my blog… Hi. I love new readers, I’ve almost reached 500 followers in the 2 months I’ve been writing, so I’m glad you enjoy it. But next time, please like a post here or there or jot down a comment so I know who you are? It would save me so much anxiety!


-Aviators/Secret Identity-

To Be In Love With Someone Who Could Never Love You

Have you ever been in a relationship or just a friendship where you felt like they were your everything and you were just ‘something’ to them… at best?

Or where you can’t be with them because of a dumb or made up reason and you find yourself always having to contain your feelings/emotions for them because you know how you feel for them won’t be reciprocated?

So you go around day after day, pretending that how your friendship, as it stands, is enough for you when deep inside your screaming for more, but at the same time worried to push for what you want because then you might lose the little that you have.

It’s infuriating. To love someone who doesn’t love you.

It’s embarrassing. To want someone so much.

It’s degrading. To continually be pushed aside.

It’s humiliating. To feel like I still want more despite all this.

It’s just fucken annoying. That I have so much more to say, yet can’t say it to the person that matters. For fear of losing it all.


-Frank Ocean/Bad Religion-

Promiscuous Girl You’re Teasing Me You Know What I What And I Got What You Need 

K, I originally wrote this yesterday while waiting to meet my friends for lunch, when my whole WordPress crashed and I lost the entire fucking post. I was choked. So sorry if it’s not as “good” as normal, but I’m really just moody about having to redo it. 😒. 

This morning I met a friend for coffee at a new cafe in our city’s brewery district downtown. It was a cute enough place and all, but it was the location that caught my attention. Last time I was in that exact spot, it was still an empty lot. Well, apart from myself and J.

J was the last guy I met/slept with before E. He was also one of the few who managed to make it past the “one and done,” rule mainly because his one was… well it was GOOD! Lol. J was memorable for a few things, the main one being we never had sex in the same spot twice. We were only “friends” for about a month, but you name a place, we fucked there.

Yes, including the once empty lot in a bustling downtown metropolis which now houses an up and coming urban cafe.

It was a very cool late winter/early spring night when we went for a walk downtown and, as things are prone to do on a casual walk with your friend with benefits, the topic turned sexual. So sexual in fact, that we decided it was pertinent to deal with things then and there instead of heading home. So we found a somewhat dimly lit place and stripped down to nothing in the backlot to take care of business.

There are definitely some ups and downs to having sex outside of the bed/ house. For starters, you know when you get really into it and you get all hot and sweaty? Not a problem outside in March in Canada, since the freezing temperatures keep you cool. Also, the adrenaline factor alone, you know, thoughts of being seen/watched/caught makes the whole experience way more intense. On the down side? There’s gravel or sand where nothing should ever be, and you thought rug burn from sex was bad? Think road rash. 😵.

But J and I had fun! He was always making plans for us to do things exciting together. He wanted to be seen out in public with me. We never just chilled at home watching tv or on the couch. J made moves and brought me with him. We had sex outside the club like in the literal doorway of the club while his friend stood “guard”. We messed around in my parking garage on many occasions. He took me to see the lights on the bridge and then we climbed it and…yep we very dangerously screwed up there.

J had ideas and plans and brought me with him on his journey for the month I knew him. I appreciated that he didn’t just want to come to my house and fuck and then leave. We got out. We did things. We had fun.

Then it wasn’t enough for me? Or, I don’t even know. But for some unknown reason I was still meeting up with other guys and found E. And for some reason that will never be a good one, I picked E over any of the guys I was messing with, and I was done with J. I was done with being taken out for fun. I was done with a guy wanting to be with me in public and taking me dancing. I had my last opportunity to be driven around in a super fancy car *I know I said I’ve never dated a guy with a car before, but I don’t count these guys as dating. Unless we had an actual conversation about being ‘together’ then to me we weren’t dating. We weren’t exclusive unless they asked me to be theirs… make sense? Probably not, but that’s because my mind is MESSED up when it comes to guys. Every other area I’m pretty steady in though.

Shit I made a bad decision. Choosing E (among others). Hopefully one I’ve learned from. I’ve learned that I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to have fun with me. I don’t want a relationship that’s hidden in the house, since that’s all E and I ever did because of his paranoia. E never wanted to go out with me, nor did he have any ideas if we did actually venture out. I want a guy who wants to DO things with me. I want to live life with them. Not sit/lay around the house all day. I can do that on my own, thank you very much. Now just to find that guy.


-Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland/Promiscuous-

Your Life Ain’t Gonna Be Nothing Like My Life, Your Gonna Grow And Have A Good Life. I’m Gonna Do What I Got To Do. 

Last night at dinner, Little E nearly broke my heart, which as we’ve previously determined is hard to do lol. I mentioned to the kids that on Sunday I invited my Dad (and by association my Mom) out for lunch for Father’s Day, and asked them if they had any suggestions of where they’d like to go. We are fairly close with my parents, having lived with them for almost 2 years during my divorce, and now see them probably 1-2 times a week, since my parents LOVE my kids. Which, yeah of course, I get it, every grandparent loves their grandchildren, but my kids hold an extra special place in my parent’s heart.
Anyways, when I mentioned the lunch to the kids, I said maybe we could make a little gift for Nonno (Italian for Grandpa) to give him at lunch, or if they wanted, they could give him the Father’s Day gift they were most likely doing up at school/daycare and Little E got a little upset. I guess at daycare, he choose not to make a Father’s Day gift because he didn’t want to give one to E. It never occurred to him that he could still make it, but give it to someone else, although in years past my kids have gifted their school/homemade crafts to my Dad during the holiday, since E has never been around. I asked Little E why he had chosen not to participate in the activity, and he said he didn’t want to say because it was rude. So I explained that anything he had to say to me was ok right now, and that all his feelings about this situation were important and valid to have, and he wouldn’t get in trouble for feeling/expressing them now.

So he said he hadn’t wanted to make E a present, because in his words “E is lazy and boring.” Wow, way to hit the nail on the head! Little E will be 7 next month and has totally figured out this E thing. He said he doesn’t like to spend time with E because all he does is sit there. He doesn’t play with him and doesn’t even talk with him, so therefore Little E doesn’t feel he “deserves” a gift for Father’s Day, because he isn’t a good Father. So I explained that if he doesn’t want to make E a gift, I would never force him to. A gift is for someone to express your feelings, not just because it’s a holiday. So if your feelings are that you don’t like the person, then don’t get them a gift. But then I reminded him, on the other hand, if he does enjoy someone’s company and feel they “deserve” a gift, then he didn’t need to wait for a holiday to give them one. I also told him that if he felt he missed out on an opportunity to make something for Father’s Day that he could’ve potentially given to someone else like Nonno, I would help him come up with another craft to do.

He thought about it for a moment and decided that nope, no one was worthy of his crafting time… although I’m pretty sure he just didn’t want to invest his time coloring anything since the whole crafting thing is quite possibly his least favorite activity. Instead he spent the next 10 minutes trying to convince Z she should give her gift to Uncle D, whom I’m pretty sure is only on Little E’s mind since he’s taking him fishing this Saturday. But Z stood firm in her stance of giving her gift to me. Hey I did say they could choose whomever they wanted lol and who was I to argue with another homemade gift headed my way? Besides, I currently fill the role of mom and dad so why not accept a fathers day gift?

As for E, well I can probably expect him to call to ask me what the kids got him for Father’s Day, as he does every year. To which I will tell him he gets the joy of their presence and to try to make to most of it while he has it. Meanwhile in the back of my mind I will be thinking you don’t deserve anything…You didn’t get me anything for Mothers Day… Ever… You know, those kind of things, but left unspoken of course.

Until then though, I’ll prep once again for the onslaught of do-gooders who will comment on my single mom status, and the “how do I do it” stuff. Same as Mother’s Day… but perhaps even more annoying if possible. While attempting to maintain my composure and focus on raising my kids. Hopefully I’m doing it “right.”


-Clean Bandit Feat. Sean Paul & Anne-Marie/Rockabye-