So last night, K called again (twice but I was busy the first time around) and after he got off the phone as quickly as possible, I realized the call was similar to one I would’ve had with my mother.
“Tell me about your day” “How are the kids” “Oh you need things like this in your life C” “Good for you C” “I’m happy for you” “Ok well I have to go, I was just calling to check up on you”
And the call was done in like 15 minutes. Reflecting back, this is how our last few phone calls have gone. When I try to talk about how he is, and what’s new with him, he’ll chat for a minute or two and then be like “Woah woah, that’s enough about me, I just called to make sure your ok.” And laying in bed last night it hit me why it bothered me…
I’ve never been friend zoned before. Ever. Let alone by someone I liked. And it almost made me question my feelings for K. Well, it obviously did or I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about it. Do I like him only because he’s a challenge? Something I’ve never faced before? And what the fuck! I’m the one who originally tried to push K away, multiple times at that lol, like how dare he do this to me. I’m not really that bothered but common, I’m the one who tried ending whatever this was on so many occasions, only to have K pull me back in, now to turn around and do this? WTF?
I have always got every guy I’ve gone after. I know that may sound arrogant but thinking about it last night, and trust me I went WAY back, I realized I’ve never been shut down like this.
In high school I never dated anyone, but it’s because I wasn’t interested in any of the guys in my school. To be frank, I most definitely have a “type.” You know your standard tall dark and handsome? Well I like them tall (duh) and dark? For sure, super, super, extra dark if you know what I mean 🙂 Plus, everyone likes handsome lol. But in my school, with a graduating class of over 800 people, there were only 2 black guys. And in my ever so humble opinion, they weren’t handsome (to be kind). So I didn’t have your girly “high school crush” and really had no desire to make anything happen with anyone during those years. And even if I did, it probably wouldn’t have happened because I just wasn’t that outgoing enough to start anything.
After I met W, who yeah, I was never put in the friend zone with, every guy I picked out, I hooked up with, unless I decided I didn’t want too. On dating sites, or at the club, if I made up my mind that I wanted something to happen with a guy, then I made it happen. I’ve never been turned down ever. I mean probably because I was offering to give out sex like no body’s business, but still, if I wanted it, I got it. Plus when I wanted it to stop, I stopped it. And it was in my hands with whom.
But these were only one night stand things, which was what I was looking for at the time. Now that I actually want something more, the feeling of being held at a distance is somewhat infuriating. I feel like I should say a sincere sorry to all the guys I was not so polite to in the past. Guys I judged based solely on skin colour, crappy first liners or even something as petty as bad grammar, then there were lame dance moves or lack or muscle etc… Basically if they didn’t look a certain way, then I wanted nothing to do with them and they didn’t stand a chance right off the bat. Which I understand is VERY hypocritical of me, considering that is something K wants to base a long-term relationship on. Looks. And this is after he has at least gotten to know me.
I would only fuck a guy if he looked a certain way, because hey, I’m only looking at you for one night, let me at least enjoy what I have to stare at while we fuck. I want your body to at least turn me on somewhat right? I don’t care about your personality or shit like that for a one night stand. I just want a good dick. Where as K wants to look at his chick for life, shouldn’t he enjoy it?
Anyways, I was/am the queen of friend zoning guys. Nope scratch that. I didn’t even put them in the friend zone. I ignore them. I block them. In fact I have more blocked numbers on my phone then my entire contact list. Guys who I’ve fucked and then disposed of like last nights leftovers that went bad. Or guys who had potential, but somewhere between giving out my number and my address, I got a picture of them and changed my mind. Or just felt like sleeping that night instead, or got a more interesting phone call, or any number of reasons that they became annoying and I just moved on.
And to be completely honest, K was on my blocked list once too, until somewhere along the line he got a second phone, and called me and said he had memorized my number which was so endearing to me. That and the fact he actually got a prescription for Viagra early on to try to impress me lol. Trust me y’all he did not at all need it, but he did it for me. I think once he knew I had been with so many guys, it might’ve been a little intimidating for him and he wanted to make sure he was impressing me, his dick was damn impressing from the start, I just have commitment issues since E. The pill ended up only giving him a stomach ache which he blamed on my cooking, but the premise was adorable.
So why does a guy go out of his way to memorize my number, call me every night to chat for hours, bus to my place to fuck like 3-4 times a week, go to the doctor as a very healthy guy in his late 20’s and complain about erectile dysfunction to attempt longer performance in the sack, among a crap load of other sweet things, like bringing gifts for my kids and cooking me suppers, now choose to friend zone me?
Probably because I said I won’t get a butt lift lol. And can I blame him? I hate it, for sure, but I am just as shallow as he is, if not more so. Because I judge men on their looks as well. And I don’t even give them a chance. I won’t even meet them if they don’t meet my “standards.” K is talking about having standards for marriage, standards FOR LIFE, which is more than I ever did. I married the first guy who popped the question with a god awful purple ring.
Maybe I should gracefully bow out.
But for sure I should rethink my “standards”