Would I be okay alone? This question has crossed my mind too much recently, and to answer honestly, of course I would be okay. But I wouldn’t thrive.
You see even when you are in a relationship, you are destined to be alone at some points in your life. Most in fact, but it’s the knowledge that someone is doing life with you that helps. It’s when you roll over in bed and feel where the bed dips down because that’s their spot. It’s when you sit on a chair that’s still warm and know they must’ve just been around recently. It’s when you feel a breeze in the air when they walk by, even without a word, but you feel their presence. It’s when your coffee is made in the morning with a little note after they’ve let for work, or your lunch is packed in the fridge for the day thanks to them. It’s when the laundry is washed and folded then put away in the drawers so magically. It’s when you smell their cologne/perfume from down the hall. It’s when you hear the garage door open and know they made it home from work safely. It’s when they call and you see their picture come up on your phone and you smile, even if you’ve been bickering, because they, just as they are, make you smile. It’s when you see the half eaten pack of muffins/chips/peanuts that was supposed to last all week, but is gone in a night, that you just adjust and buy more next time. It’s when you notice the lawn is cut or the sidewalks shoveled without having to ask.
All without you actually being with them.
Or more intimately, it’s when they stand behind you and kiss your neck right below your ear because they’ve learned after kissing you everywhere and paying close attention to your response that that’s where you like it best. It’s when they whisper in your ear… and see the shivers rise on your arms, that you know even though you could survive alone, you don’t want to. You don’t want to, because you want to be with them. Because life is more… phenomenal, more beautiful, yet somehow more simple with that person.
So yes, I could be alone and be fine. But what’s the point of fine? We were made for more than “fine.” I want unprecedented, astounding, something that makes other people jealous yet happy for us at the same time, because they want what we have. I don’t want to be fine. I don’t want to be just ok. I want what I’ve described, and even though I’ve been married, I’ve never had most these things. I know, I know, what did I marry E for? Haha I’m still trying to figure that out.
But until I find someone who wants something rare like I do… I’ll be okay. Plain and simple okay.
Until I find phenomenal.
-Blink 182/I’m Lost Without You-