I’ve Got To Let It Go We Found Love In A Hopeless Place

I got married at 21. But that wasn’t my first mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, I think you can find your true love at any age… but I had not found it. I was marrying because I had found someone, anyone, who would have me. But neither of us knew what we were doing and no one told us to stop. Although at that time, I probably wouldn’t had listened anyways.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low (At that point, little did I know it would get worse), and I was just grasping at straws. I thought that once I got married things in my life would settle down and just… get better.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I mean what could be so bad that I needed to marry someone I knew didn’t love me in an effort to escape?
I guess the question is how far back do I go? Who knows exactly when I broke, when I became someone I didn’t like when I looked in the mirror. Someone I didn’t think anyone else would like when they looked at me. Someone so desperate and needy that they MARRIED a man who they didn’t love and who didn’t love them back just to escape.

Did it start when my ex was suddenly killed and so I was just trying to find someone, any one to replace that connection?
Or did it start when I woke up in the hospital on morning at only 16 years old and was told basically I have a disorder that will require medication for life and there’s nothing they can do about my constant headaches and random seizures?
Or maybe the multiple suicide attempts should have been a huge indicator.
Or maybe before that when I was the token fat kid in my social group in school. You know, the hilarious and sarcastic one that everyone wants to chill with but no one wants to date.

But most likely it stems back even earlier than that. Probably rooted way back in the fact that my “Daddy issue’s” are deep. Like so deep. Like he cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, and asked for a divorce soon after my birth. He didn’t want me from the get go.
So, yeah it might’ve started somewhere way back there.

In that mess at some point is where my life took a huge turn that I didn’t plan. One that I don’t like, and now it’s time to figure out how I got from there to here, and where to go next.

-Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris/We Found Love-

49 thoughts on “I’ve Got To Let It Go We Found Love In A Hopeless Place

  1. Thanks for stopping by to like my blog. We’re no longer strangers; now we are friends. You are young with a wonderful life ahead. Believe this new friend. I write books about women who Survive and Thrive. That’s the theme and women relate to them. Here’s a secret out in the open. I’m 86 with years behind me and years still ahead. Chin up, keep smiling and you’ll get through.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have read your stories and find you to be a kindred soul. Please know that if I can be of support in anyway do not hesitate. Woman need to help build each other up and educate each other on our own uniqueness and stories. We all have a past its how we move forward that we will be remembered.I want you to know I understand the courage it takes to write about personal experiences, travels and growth. Know that you are strong and not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I’m coming to realize that many people have gone through or are going through similar situations. I know I’m not a role model for it, but if someone can learn from my mistakes, then it’ll be worth it

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I want to thank you so much for your wonderful post here! You are so bold and brave to open yourself up on these issues. I am going to have to go back and reread this a few times!! I also loved your about statement “How I Lost My Chains”!!
    I would like to recommend a book that I loved and really helped me to you, “The Psychology Of Romantic Love”. Please check out the reviews on Amazon – https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Romantic-Love-Anti-Romantic-Age/dp/1585426253/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492980509&sr=8-1&keywords=the+psychology+of+romantic+love

    I want you to know that I have a Word Bank and that I have just opened an account for you based on your “How I Lost My Chains”. When I find a word or phrases or a tittle or an idea that hits me I make a deposit for the writer and when it provides the inspirational seed for a poem by me then I deposit Gold Stars into the account.

    You have just received your first deposit of Gold Stars from “How I Lost My Chains”. I have written “Weeding” and hope to post it soon. I will provide a pingback to your “How I Lost My Chains”. Bravo!!!

    And thanks for visiting my blog!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s beautiful that you have the courage to write with utmost honesty; the fact that you confessed having married that guy only to make things better and not out of love. Stay strong! 💙

    Liked by 2 people

Keep the conversation going

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s