I got married at 21. But that wasn’t my first mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, I think you can find your true love at any age… but I had not found it. I was marrying because I had found someone, anyone, who would have me. But neither of us knew what we were doing and no one told us to stop. Although at that time, I probably wouldn’t had listened anyways.
My self-esteem was at an all-time low (At that point, little did I know it would get worse), and I was just grasping at straws. I thought that once I got married things in my life would settle down and just… get better.
I guess I should start at the beginning. I mean what could be so bad that I needed to marry someone I knew didn’t love me in an effort to escape?
I guess the question is how far back do I go? Who knows exactly when I broke, when I became someone I didn’t like when I looked in the mirror. Someone I didn’t think anyone else would like when they looked at me. Someone so desperate and needy that they MARRIED a man who they didn’t love and who didn’t love them back just to escape.
Did it start when my ex was suddenly killed and so I was just trying to find someone, any one to replace that connection?
Or did it start when I woke up in the hospital on morning at only 16 years old and was told basically I have a disorder that will require medication for life and there’s nothing they can do about my constant headaches and random seizures?
Or maybe the multiple suicide attempts should have been a huge indicator.
Or maybe before that when I was the token fat kid in my social group in school. You know, the hilarious and sarcastic one that everyone wants to chill with but no one wants to date.
But most likely it stems back even earlier than that. Probably rooted way back in the fact that my “Daddy issue’s” are deep. Like so deep. Like he cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, and asked for a divorce soon after my birth. He didn’t want me from the get go.
So, yeah it might’ve started somewhere way back there.
In that mess at some point is where my life took a huge turn that I didn’t plan. One that I don’t like, and now it’s time to figure out how I got from there to here, and where to go next.
-Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris/We Found Love-
How I Lost My Chains 
Keep on writing, it both cathartic and allows your emotions to run free via the computer keys! 🙂
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Thanks! I plan too. I appreciate the encouragement.
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Hi!
First of all, thank you so much for following my blog!
I think we all are naïve when we are young – we have expectations of the world, yet our understanding of the world is still so limited when we are young.
I think coming her and writing is a great way to express anything and everything – I know I have found great peace in letting go of the things I have held for so long.
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You’ve been through a lot, thanks for having the courage to share.
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Thank you. I’ve found since starting, I’m thinking of so much I’d previously forgotten and now I don’t even know what to write next there’s so much. It’s been good so far. I appreciate the support.
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Stay strong, you are a wonderful writer. 🙂
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What a story to share! I loved your truth!
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Thank you. This is my chance to be completely honest and just share everything as it happened.
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I totally understand. That is what I’m trying to do as well.
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Amazing! It seems we have a lot in common. If you ever wanna chat, let me know. You’re stronger than you think.
chrystle.evanson@gmail.com
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Please visit my public site touchofessentials.com. The WordPress site is separate and there isn’t anything on it. 😊 I’m excited to see what else you have to say! Maybe you’ll help motivate me to be a better blogger.
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You are, as the rest have said, quite strong. It takes Herculean courage to share what you have shared and so sorry you have gone through this.
Here to wish you the best of days.
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Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement.
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Props for posting such thing about yourself… It takes courage as someone said… But it also seems for all of us that have some issues or problems with our life, to simply type it out and let it out… No matter how good or bad things are it’s easier when it’s not kept inside… Much love 🙂
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Thank you. And your right, getting it out helps.
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I hope that your beautiful wounds have become badges of courage and deliver a message to others on how to best live their lives. Bad things that happen to us can actually be our gifts to freedom by helping others in ways we never knew. I know. I was an abused wife and mother at the age of 18.
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Thank you. I know I have a lot to say, and many people can benefit from hearing it.
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I read all of your posts from most recent to this one because I couldn’t stop hearing your enthralling story. Saying sorry that you went through all of this won’t do much, I know, but thank-you for sharing.
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I can learn from your story, and I appreciate you sharing it. I feel for you. You have support here.
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Thank you. It’s been very good to hear all the comments and support from everyone. It doesn’t go unnoticed.
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It’s sad sometimes what we will do out of a sense of duty, or longing, or depression.
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