I’ve Got To Let It Go We Found Love in a Hopeless Place

I got married at 21. But that wasn’t my first mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, I think you can find your true love at any age… but I had not found it. I was marrying because I had found someone, anyone who would have me. But neither of us knew what we were doing and no one told us to stop. Although at that time, I probably wouldn’t had listened anyways.

My self-esteem was at an all-time low (At that point, little did I know it would get worse), and I was just grasping at straws. I thought that once I got married things in my life would settle down and just… get better.

I guess I should start at the beginning. I mean what could be so bad that I needed to marry someone I knew didn’t love me in an effort to escape?
I guess the question is how far back do I go? Who knows exactly when I broke, when I became someone I didn’t like when I looked in the mirror. Someone I didn’t think anyone else would like when they looked at me. Someone so desperate and needy that they MARRIED a man who they didn’t love and who didn’t love them back.

Did it start when my ex was suddenly killed and so I was just trying to find someone, any one to replace that connection?
Or did it start when I woke up in the hospital on morning at only 16 years old and was told basically I have a disorder that will require meds for life and there’s nothing they can do about my constant headaches and random seizures?
Or maybe the multiple suicide attempts should have been a huge indicator.
Or maybe before that when I was the token fat kid in my social group in school. You know, the hilarious and sarcastic one that everyone wants to chill with but no one wants to date.

But most likely it stems back even earlier than that. Probably rooted way back in the fact that my “Daddy issue’s” are deep. Like so deep. Like he cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me. He didn’t want me from the get go.
So, yeah it might’ve started somewhere way back there.

In that mess at some point is where my life took a huge turn that I didn’t plan. One that I don’t like, and now it’s time to figure out how I got from there to here, and where to go next.

-Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris/We Found Love-

49 thoughts on “I’ve Got To Let It Go We Found Love in a Hopeless Place

  1. I want to thank you so much for your wonderful post here! You are so bold and brave to open yourself up on these issues. I am going to have to go back and reread this a few times!! I also loved your about statement “How I Lost My Chains”!!
    I would like to recommend a book that I loved and really helped me to you, “The Psychology Of Romantic Love”. Please check out the reviews on Amazon – https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Romantic-Love-Anti-Romantic-Age/dp/1585426253/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492980509&sr=8-1&keywords=the+psychology+of+romantic+love

    I want you to know that I have a Word Bank and that I have just opened an account for you based on your “How I Lost My Chains”. When I find a word or phrases or a tittle or an idea that hits me I make a deposit for the writer and when it provides the inspirational seed for a poem by me then I deposit Gold Stars into the account.

    You have just received your first deposit of Gold Stars from “How I Lost My Chains”. I have written “Weeding” and hope to post it soon. I will provide a pingback to your “How I Lost My Chains”. Bravo!!!

    And thanks for visiting my blog!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s beautiful that you have the courage to write with utmost honesty; the fact that you confessed having married that guy only to make things better and not out of love. Stay strong! 💙

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This might sound strange, but the way that i center myself and stop thinking about all the bad that has been done to me is i get a coloring book and through thinking about the next color or the next path i need to take my mind wonders on the bad thoughts of the day and i work them out calmly and find the things that i could have changed and the things that i couldnt change. that usually helps me out. it works for me if i am having a bad day to write it down and ask the same 2 questions. then i write my own solve for the bad day how will i change it the next time that it comes up. or how do i avoid that problem if i cant change it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m in this with you. 💖
    I know exactly how it feels to be betrayed and cheated on, it is a living hell. I’m happy to see that you were courageous enough to break free from his abusive cycles, you should be proud of that.

    Glad I found your blog. X

    Liked by 1 person

  5. So you liked a random post on my blog and I decided to give yours a visit and this is, oh my god. I’m trying to catch up. I can relate with you on so many levels, it’s not even funny.

    Looking forward to reading more of your “diary” entries.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You liked a recent entry of mine, and I cant thank you enough for taking the time to read something I wrote. I in turn have being reading some of your entries and I feel I can relate to you on so many levels. I think it takes someone really brave to put their thoughts and past experiences out in the open. Thanks for sharing, and I will keep reading. Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel like you’re in my mind. Besides the getting married, I’ve been through the same things. Weight issues, Daddy issues, medical issues! Wow! Thank you for sharing ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It takes courage to share things (with the world) with such honesty, much respect. Do you feel better after sharing? I like to think it does 🙂
    I believe that thinking about the past and thinking about where it went wrong is not the done thing. Sure the past do shape who we are, but it does not, in any way, define who we are, for there is a possibility to change. I like to believe that we are in control of who we are and who we want to be. It’s all, up there, in our heads. If you think that you are a loser and that won’t amount to something (just an example), well, you probably won’t amount to anything. You’ve already lost before starting. But if you start nurturing the idea that there is hope, that change for the better IS possible, this will boost your motivation and drive you forward. The amount of effort you put in things won’t be the same, it will be more intense. Anyway, that’s just an opinion.
    I really enjoyed reading your blog, keep up the good work 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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