I got married at 21. But that wasn’t my first mistake. Now don’t get me wrong, I think you can find your true love at any age… but I had not found it. I was marrying because I had found someone, anyone, who would have me. But neither of us knew what we were doing and no one told us to stop. Although at that time, I probably wouldn’t had listened anyways.
My self-esteem was at an all-time low (At that point, little did I know it would get worse), and I was just grasping at straws. I thought that once I got married things in my life would settle down and just… get better.
I guess I should start at the beginning. I mean what could be so bad that I needed to marry someone I knew didn’t love me in an effort to escape?
I guess the question is how far back do I go? Who knows exactly when I broke, when I became someone I didn’t like when I looked in the mirror. Someone I didn’t think anyone else would like when they looked at me. Someone so desperate and needy that they MARRIED a man who they didn’t love and who didn’t love them back just to escape.
Did it start when my ex was suddenly killed and so I was just trying to find someone, any one to replace that connection?
Or did it start when I woke up in the hospital on morning at only 16 years old and was told basically I have a disorder that will require medication for life and there’s nothing they can do about my constant headaches and random seizures?
Or maybe the multiple suicide attempts should have been a huge indicator.
Or maybe before that when I was the token fat kid in my social group in school. You know, the hilarious and sarcastic one that everyone wants to chill with but no one wants to date.
But most likely it stems back even earlier than that. Probably rooted way back in the fact that my “Daddy issue’s” are deep. Like so deep. Like he cheated on my mom while she was pregnant with me, and asked for a divorce soon after my birth. He didn’t want me from the get go.
So, yeah it might’ve started somewhere way back there.
In that mess at some point is where my life took a huge turn that I didn’t plan. One that I don’t like, and now it’s time to figure out how I got from there to here, and where to go next.
-Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris/We Found Love-
Keep on writing, it both cathartic and allows your emotions to run free via the computer keys! 🙂
Thanks! I plan too. I appreciate the encouragement.
Hi!
First of all, thank you so much for following my blog!
I think we all are naïve when we are young – we have expectations of the world, yet our understanding of the world is still so limited when we are young.
I think coming her and writing is a great way to express anything and everything – I know I have found great peace in letting go of the things I have held for so long.
You’ve been through a lot, thanks for having the courage to share.
Thank you. I’ve found since starting, I’m thinking of so much I’d previously forgotten and now I don’t even know what to write next there’s so much. It’s been good so far. I appreciate the support.
Stay strong, you are a wonderful writer. 🙂
What a story to share! I loved your truth!
Thank you. This is my chance to be completely honest and just share everything as it happened.
I totally understand. That is what I’m trying to do as well.
Amazing! It seems we have a lot in common. If you ever wanna chat, let me know. You’re stronger than you think.
chrystle.evanson@gmail.com
Please visit my public site touchofessentials.com. The WordPress site is separate and there isn’t anything on it. 😊 I’m excited to see what else you have to say! Maybe you’ll help motivate me to be a better blogger.
You are, as the rest have said, quite strong. It takes Herculean courage to share what you have shared and so sorry you have gone through this.
Here to wish you the best of days.
Thank you. I appreciate the encouragement.
Props for posting such thing about yourself… It takes courage as someone said… But it also seems for all of us that have some issues or problems with our life, to simply type it out and let it out… No matter how good or bad things are it’s easier when it’s not kept inside… Much love 🙂
Thank you. And your right, getting it out helps.
I hope that your beautiful wounds have become badges of courage and deliver a message to others on how to best live their lives. Bad things that happen to us can actually be our gifts to freedom by helping others in ways we never knew. I know. I was an abused wife and mother at the age of 18.
Thank you. I know I have a lot to say, and many people can benefit from hearing it.
I read all of your posts from most recent to this one because I couldn’t stop hearing your enthralling story. Saying sorry that you went through all of this won’t do much, I know, but thank-you for sharing.
I can learn from your story, and I appreciate you sharing it. I feel for you. You have support here.
Thank you. It’s been very good to hear all the comments and support from everyone. It doesn’t go unnoticed.
It’s sad sometimes what we will do out of a sense of duty, or longing, or depression.
Thanks for stopping by to like my blog. We’re no longer strangers; now we are friends. You are young with a wonderful life ahead. Believe this new friend. I write books about women who Survive and Thrive. That’s the theme and women relate to them. Here’s a secret out in the open. I’m 86 with years behind me and years still ahead. Chin up, keep smiling and you’ll get through.
I have read your stories and find you to be a kindred soul. Please know that if I can be of support in anyway do not hesitate. Woman need to help build each other up and educate each other on our own uniqueness and stories. We all have a past its how we move forward that we will be remembered.I want you to know I understand the courage it takes to write about personal experiences, travels and growth. Know that you are strong and not alone.
Thank you so much. I’m coming to realize that many people have gone through or are going through similar situations. I know I’m not a role model for it, but if someone can learn from my mistakes, then it’ll be worth it
You said to start at the beginning and here I am 6.39am drank my coffee. So, I think there’s some truth in your comment. For we all go through semi~similar situations and perhaps recycle the same old stressful shitty thoughts at some point e.g. 1) Neither of us knew what we were doing 2) X didn’t love me and I didn’t love them back 3) Daddy didn’t want me. Well, “It ain’t necessarily so” (drats another song in my head, this one’s from George Gershwin now). That is to say, that somewhere in there, there’s a chance that there’s just as much truth in it being: 1) You knew what you were doing and it was the right thing for that moment 2) X did love you (as best he could at the time) and you did love him back (as best you could at the time) 3) Daddy did want you, but that he wasn’t able to fill the role back then. Now to the speed reading your other post before the day breaks good an’ proper.
Ok, why is/was your self esteem low and why didn’t you like yourself?
Because it’s that simple…
So, there’s no reason behind it, you hate yourself for the sake of hating yourself?
I’m saying you obviously have no idea the complexities that could be behind it. Plus I never once said I hate myself. Your looking at this all wrong.
Here are some things that have helped me. Gentle hugs- & hope!
“Like a Broken Vessel”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrNqGqy5kbQ&index=8&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0
“Mountains To Climb – Gaining Power To Overcome Challenges In Life”
Okay- let’s try this again. It posted the wrong thing. Sorry about that!
“Like a Broken Vessel”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrNqGqy5kbQ
“Mountains To Climb – Gaining Power To Overcome Challenges In Life”
I want to thank you so much for your wonderful post here! You are so bold and brave to open yourself up on these issues. I am going to have to go back and reread this a few times!! I also loved your about statement “How I Lost My Chains”!!
I would like to recommend a book that I loved and really helped me to you, “The Psychology Of Romantic Love”. Please check out the reviews on Amazon – https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Romantic-Love-Anti-Romantic-Age/dp/1585426253/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492980509&sr=8-1&keywords=the+psychology+of+romantic+love
I want you to know that I have a Word Bank and that I have just opened an account for you based on your “How I Lost My Chains”. When I find a word or phrases or a tittle or an idea that hits me I make a deposit for the writer and when it provides the inspirational seed for a poem by me then I deposit Gold Stars into the account.
You have just received your first deposit of Gold Stars from “How I Lost My Chains”. I have written “Weeding” and hope to post it soon. I will provide a pingback to your “How I Lost My Chains”. Bravo!!!
And thanks for visiting my blog!!
Glad I could inspire you.
[…] Inspired by – Shrewassetfree – How I Lost My Chains […]
[…] Inspired by – Shrewassetfree – How I Lost My Chains […]
I found you through Charles, the reluctant poet. I want to offer my support too. It’s hard to be this vulnerable, but I really hope you continue to find healing through writing.
It’s beautiful that you have the courage to write with utmost honesty; the fact that you confessed having married that guy only to make things better and not out of love. Stay strong! 💙
This might sound strange, but the way that i center myself and stop thinking about all the bad that has been done to me is i get a coloring book and through thinking about the next color or the next path i need to take my mind wonders on the bad thoughts of the day and i work them out calmly and find the things that i could have changed and the things that i couldnt change. that usually helps me out. it works for me if i am having a bad day to write it down and ask the same 2 questions. then i write my own solve for the bad day how will i change it the next time that it comes up. or how do i avoid that problem if i cant change it.
That doesn’t sound strange. I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you!
I’m in this with you. 💖
I know exactly how it feels to be betrayed and cheated on, it is a living hell. I’m happy to see that you were courageous enough to break free from his abusive cycles, you should be proud of that.
Glad I found your blog. X
Thank you. And I’m sorry you can relate, that’s truly unfortunate.
With every experience we take with us something new. We discover the strength we thought we never had.
So you liked a random post on my blog and I decided to give yours a visit and this is, oh my god. I’m trying to catch up. I can relate with you on so many levels, it’s not even funny.
Looking forward to reading more of your “diary” entries.
Hope writing brings you sosome healing – it has always helped me along with my faith .
You liked a recent entry of mine, and I cant thank you enough for taking the time to read something I wrote. I in turn have being reading some of your entries and I feel I can relate to you on so many levels. I think it takes someone really brave to put their thoughts and past experiences out in the open. Thanks for sharing, and I will keep reading. Best of luck!