My Mind Runs Wild To Comprehend What No Mind On Earth Could Understand

1,652 days from the day I got married and the day I decided to leave E. (Better than 72 days but still not impressive by any means)

1,762 days from the day I left and started this whole divorce process until yesterday, the day I got that email I thought would never come saying:

Divorce

In blue writing, emoji’s and all (yeah… millennials lol).  My divorce took 110 day longer than my entire marriage lasted.

Anyways, I was at work when the long awaited news, and I can honestly say I got overwhelmed. I experienced more emotion in that single moment then I did on my wedding day, or either day I gave birth. I had to leave work right away because I was tearing up so I sent a quick imessage to my boss and J saying I received a personal message and would be back in an hour, and left without waiting for a reply

I couldn’t even make it to my car. I, Me, C, stopped and had to sit in the stairwell to cry. Until this moment I thought people who did crap like that were just overly dramatic, like for real get your shit together. Until I couldn’t even form thoughts coherent enough to get one foot in front of the other and be confident I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. So I dropped. And sobbed. Until I heard the door above me open and thought my coworker or A had followed me out to make sure I was ok and so I rushed down the stairs to my car. Thankfully it was just another patron of the building, probably wondering what the hell was going on in the stairs lol. By the time I had gotten to my car, I had pulled myself together a bit and decided to drive down the block on the off chance anyone from work did walk out to check on me.

I parked a little ways away and the need to tell someone washed over me. It was like this was a milestone that needed to be observed and when that happens it should be noted by others, at least I thought so. So I called my mom. Wasn’t really my first choice, but it was my option in the moment. I asked if she was busy or if she had a moment to talk, and since I don’t call often ever during the day she said she was just leaving the neighbours house, but go ahead. So I let her know that my divorce was final and to be honest I can’t remember how she responded, since I was trying to suppress tears that were threatening to rise again.

She asked if she could tell the neighbour, who I grew up with and know very well, which I was fine with and she passed along the news, and then as she walked out the door she asked me how I felt about it.

Which I thought was weird. I kinda assumed everyone else would assume I would feel great about it, so the question would be unnecessary, and never asked of me. But when she asked, I realized, I didn’t feel great.

I felt like I had given up hope. I felt like this was something I’d resigned to the fact of never coming to fulfillment. I felt like E had won this forever since everything kept going his way even though his way was ridiculous. I felt like this battle had already been lost and why bother fighting anymore. So I had stopped a long time ago to preserve myself and my sanity.

And now to have it dropped in my lap…. A victory as such? I honestly didn’t know how to feel because I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway. I had only prepared for the opposite. In every way shape and form I had settled on the fact that this divorce was going to take the rest of my life and I would be stuck with E in this way forever. Caught in limbo, with each turn becoming a dead end. With each path I pursued leading me to more desolation. It no longer occurred to me that there could still be a finish line, let alone one that brought me such a decent outcome being sole custody and child support, which may not seem like much to you, but after all this time its everything to myself and the kids.

So to be shocked with this. This end. This end that provided me with something I had not planned for, was almost frightening. An end that set me free from E?

I don’t know how I feel. But I know I will know be able to spend the rest of my life discovering the new me because of it.

The new feelings and new emotions that this freedom has brought.

Because now, after many long long years, I feel I have truly lost my chains.

Calli Elizabeth… She has been set free.

Where this freedom takes me is COMPLETELY up to me and only me.


-Hillsong United/Here Now (Madness)-

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone, I Can See All Obstacles In My Way Gone Are The Dark Clouds That Had Me Blind It’s Gonna Be A Bright (Bright), Bright (Bright) Sun-Shiny Day.

Z got glasses.

Wow.

They did a little pre-screening in her Kindergarten classroom and recommended that she go for additional testing, so I took her in a few weeks back. Yep turns out she has terrible vision.

So the glasses arrived at the clinic yesterday, and I got the call at work they were ready to be picked up. When I got the kiddos from daycare and gave them the news, she wouldn’t stop chattering on and on about how excited she was about getting them. Z is my little miss fashionista, and to her, in that moment, this was just one more accessory for her.

When we got to the optometrist office, she had a seat and they pulled out her brand new  purple pair of glasses. Which she had picked all on her own, after trying on about a dozen other pairs that just weren’t up to par. She put them on, and promptly pulled them off, got straight up off that chair and walked away saying “I don’t like them/I’m never wearing those” and refused to put them back on. I think it had changed her perception and vision so much, that it was shocking and quite frankly scary to her. The employee pulled up her chart noting that it was quite a large prescription and so the adjustment would be a big jump.

Imagine living your whole life thinking how you currently see/hear/smell/taste etc, was the best/only way to do it, and now… BAM there’s more!?!?! Is is better? In that moment all you know is that it’s different. You don’t understand that what you were experiencing before wasn’t “good enough” since it’s everything you ever knew, so to you it’s perfect. Until now. Now, there’s something that’s different with these fancy purple glasses. And up until now, every pair of glasses you had tried on was a fake dollar store pair of sunglasses at best. But these? They make you rethink/resee everything.

Scary is probably an understatement. So I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done in over 8 years of parenting. I bribed my kid with McDonald’s. 😦   In that moment I just wanted it to be a good experience for her, and I just wanted her to try the glasses on again, and to be ok with seeing her entire world from a new perspective. Something most grown ass adults are afraid to do (I’m not talking glasses anymore, catch my drift) So I told the employee I’d work with her a bit and maybe be back to have them fitted later.

We walked out the door and as we were getting in the car I convinced her to put them on for the drive to Micky D’s, just to try. I felt awful because she had a few tears rolling down her face, but she agreed. As we drove I asked her what things she could see and could tell she was slowly getting used to them since she kept them on, but she stayed silent. I ended having to stop for gas and she asked if she could help, which I said yes too. Heck at this point I probably would’ve said yes if she asked for a pony, so let’s just be glad all she wanted was to pump gas. As she stood by quietly while the pump did it’s thing, she finally said “Mom, I can see the mountains.”

My heart broke.

I was so hurt that she had lived all this time without enjoying the beauty I take for granted everyday. Then she continued. “I can see the trees on the mountains. I can see to the back of the store, I can see the lights” etc. It was fantastic to see her discover everything that we normally discover over years, all in the span of 5 minutes. And the smile on her face was more than could ever be described. She mentioned that they were falling off, so I explained that that’s what the lady had wanted to fix back at the store, and asked if she’d be ok going back to get them fixed. She was, and I could tell the idea of wearing them more was growing on her.

So 15 minutes after we left, we were back at the optometrist with Z skipping into the store. She had them adjusted to fit and we were off to McDonald’s for my aforementioned dinner bribe.

This morning she was a little nervous to walk into daycare and asked me to go in with her (normally I just drop the two of them at the door) so I went and there was one other older girl (about 8) getting her boots off. Z didn’t want to get her coat off and stay, and the other kids made a comment along the lines of “it’s ok, no one is going to tease you” and so I said, “She wasn’t worried about kids teasing her until you mentioned it, she’ll be good.”

Z literally doesn’t know what teasing is, as I’m sure is the fact with every kids, until they are taught it (along with everything else, but that’s too much for today). She just needs to be treated the same, told she looks great, and everyone move on with their day.

Anyways. Z was cute before. But she’s even more adorable now.


-Johnny Nash/I Can See Clearly Now-

I Drink ‘Til I’m Drunk, Smoke ’til I’m High / I Stay Fresh As Hell, Take A Pic, Might As Well

Friday was our work Christmas party.

It was your pretty standard office party. Me, along with my boss A with his wife then my co-worker J and her husband. My boss’s parents even joined us for the first bit, as they live here in Kelowna and he started the company. So as per usual I was the perfect 7th wheel. Story of my life.

We started off with some axe throwing which was a good way to get some angry energy out. Just picture everything you’ve ever hated at the center of the target and throw away. I was excellent at it. I have a lot of things to envision at the moment. Well mainly one, but I used it a lot.  A’s mom didn’t hit the target once and I felt so bad for her, but she was just wildly throwing all over the place it was pretty funny in a pathetic way. Actually his wife barely got anything either now that I think of it. Woman in my group that night are not doing us any favours in the “anything guys can do we can do to” area. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. From there we went to a little hole in the wall niche pub and started with a few appetizers and drinks and I found a game/deck of cards with music questions so we fooled around with that for a bit while we waited for our reservation to open up next door.

A’s parents left us after a couple drinks and we headed to dinner around 9. Actually I should rephrase that. It was this really fancy hipster place where steak was $110 and the rest were basically tapas, so instead of dinner, we all shared about 10 tapas ranging from bone marrow to duck balls to curried carrots. All fancy, but not filling stuff. There was another bottle of wine, a couple of sangrias, and a few vodka sodas. So basically on top of the drinks from the previous joint, all this between the 5 of us, and these tiny fancy sophisticated tapas, the table was getting drunk.

Well, to be honest, the four of them were much more far gone than I was. Yea I can get drunk but it seems like it takes a lot more for me. Either way, A suggested we move venues and so we headed out. After a short walk down the street we ended up at THE white-est Irish pub known to mankind. O’Flannigans. Like it doesn’t get more Caucasian than that. But they were ready to dance (if that was possible) and I wasn’t going to stop 4 drunk people from having their fun. We headed in and ordered a round of beers and that’s when I was like ok… If I have to spend the rest of my night here, I’m gonna need to step my game up to take off the pain of this music. So we started shots. A promised me that every shot I took he would take as well, but I could tell he was already smashed so I told him it wasn’t worth it, and that he couldn’t keep up. I was right. I did 4 shots off the bat and then the band came on. They were actually a pretty decent cover band and I’ll have to admit since they didn’t play country music, that it wasn’t all that bad. I did a few more shots through the night rounding off at about 10 and bummed a few drags off a couple different groups of people outside so by then, I was feeling ok. A was so wasted after 3 shots with me that he kept insisting he could find me a guy in the pub. I was like buddy, trust me. There is not a single guy in this entire vicinity that I would come close to fucking. Not even close. Then he kept saying how about that one, or that one. And I was just like dude. You have known me how long and your even suggesting that you could find someone for me in an Irish pub where I can stand up and literally see over the heads of the majority of the crowd just shows how very little you know me. Plus hun, I don’t need nor do I want your help getting a guy. Especially if you think these guys have a chance. It’s just embarrassing for both of us.

J and her husband had to leave around midnight since their babysitter needed to head home, which was unfortunate because right after they left 3 drag queens walked in. I went and joined Sparkle, Alexa and Ella at their table and that’s when MY party got started. We did a few more shots and danced a while before A dragged himself off his chair (where I swore he almost fell asleep a few times) to let me know they had to head out. His wife was so disappointed and kept telling me she could’ve danced the whole night, but A wanted to go home and check on the dogs (lame) so I figured I would leave then too. O’Flannigans wasn’t my spot of choice in the first place, so I wasn’t staying alone.

All in all, it was a decent night. I looked more then hot. 15 drinks down. New food experienced. A joint smoked. Dancing with drag queens. Snuck into 2 other peoples random selfies. Danced with 2 guys who you know thought they were getting lucky before I walked away. Only inappropriately touched once. And managed to taxi home to the sitter without fucking anyone.

Productive.


-Bruno Mars, Kodak Black, Gucci Mane/Wake Up In The Sky-

The Conversation Dies Apologize For The Past Talk Some Shit Take It Back

This whole adulting thing is not for me. I’m either too immature for it or not reading any of the signals correctly, or just ridiculously ill prepared for it and quite frankly I don’t want it. If I could bring some magic receipt back to some store of life and say I would like a refund on… everything, just take it back and I actually don’t even need my money back, just my sanity or perhaps the finality of a quite death, I would be a completely satisfied customer.

Anyways, I had the following conversation yesterday with a dad of Little E’s friend.

IMG_0347 (Edited)

So originally in my mind he was asking if Little E wanted to hang out with his boy today, seemed harmless enough. But then nope, somehow I got it wrong and he was actually inviting his son over to my place, which to me seemed weird all on it’s own but I actually preferred it this way so Z would get to play too. So I was honestly totally fine with it. Fast forward to this morning when I went out for groceries before the playdate and ran into the kids mom at Superstore. Real small town vibes here. Anyways we got to chatting and I brought up how funny it was about the text yesterday and the misunderstanding etc. Seemed fine and dandy to me, but then 1:00 o’clock rolls around and the kids dad drops him off and he can’t even look me in the eye. I’m just like what is going on? So he brings up the fact that his wife mentioned how I was offended over yesterday’s conversation… Wait what? Not at all! I thought it was an easy misunderstanding, pretty silly once you read over the texts, you understand it could have been taken either way from the start. So I said I was completely fine and explained the whole Z thing and how this is better for us anyways. But he could barely look at me the whole time.

I’ve had this man in my house for games night with his family. We’ve drank beers together and although we’re not the best of friends given how new we are to the city, I thought by now he would’ve picked up on how easy going I am. What I do think happened though, is his wife made this to be a much bigger deal than necessary to the point it became slightly awkward between us.

That, is a major reason why I’m not a fan of adulting. If this had happened on the playground of some kindergarten class, the kids would’ve just all stood there together, most likely screaming at each other until they all felt their voices were appropriately heard, and then the situation would be nearing done. But as we grow older, there are more “protocols” or “social norms” we must follow. We have to make sure no ones feelings are hurt and we have to “be gentle” to each other. We have to be careful not to step on each others toes at the possible detriment of our own other relationships or our own feelings, perhaps embarrassment included.

I was fine with the text and was ok to just have Little E’s friend come over. I told his mom when I saw her at the store not to spread gossip or to get his dad in trouble, but because she’s my new friend too and I thought it was a funny story and I was making conversation. But somewhere along the way, things get twisted and blown up until a simple event became a full blown situation.

Something that could have just passed and become an easy memory that we might even chuckle at one day, becomes a scar or blemish on our record because thoughts occurred that suggested feeling were hurt. And it went down the rabbit trail from there.

Which is why I’m digging around looking for my receipt on adulthood. Being a child was such a simpler time, and to be honest, it’s all our fault.


-Blink 182/Here’s Your Letter-

I Don’t Want A Lot For Christmas There Is Just One Thing I Need And I Don’t Care About The Presents

Christmas is coming. You know how I can tell? My sister R sent me a text this morning. Nope scratch that. R sent me 8 texts while I was driving to work (before 8 am) and another 4 within a few hours of me arriving to work, all related to what I should get her family for this upcoming holiday. Let me remind you that this is my super religious sister who told me she would not attend my next wedding due to her deep Christian beliefs… before I had even decided to divorce E. No I wasn’t engaged and planning a wedding, nor was I even dating anyone (still not but that’s the story of my life). She just felt it was her place to let me know her stance…because religion and all that. (about that R story here = Nobody Said It Was Easy. No One Ever Said It Would Be This Hard

So when I got her texts suggesting what I get her kids and husband for Christmas, I was just like, R… back off. I understand that you are literally the most frugal person to ever exist on the face of the earth, but I am a struggling single mom of two children who hasn’t even figured out if I can celebrated a decent Christmas with my own kids, let alone buy for my extended family, so just step the fuck off. If I want to buy for your 4 kids (yes my nieces, but just bare with me here) then I will ask you what they want/need, I don’t need you plying me with unwanted/needed pressure right now. Besides, I thought you of all people would be gung ho about the whole “reason for the season” shit. You know? Jesus and the birth of Christ stuff? The whole God you follow whole heartedly enough to kick me while I’m down and put me on blast about all his rules regarding divorce and crap? What are his rules about gift giving over his sons birth or commandments about being greedy?

There’s got to be some boundaries somewhere!  R, I believe Jesus Christ the Saviour of your world only received 3 gifts on this holiday, and that’s without providing an extensive list. Three presents is something R and her husband J can give their children without providing extended family a wishlist. And I can guarantee the big J.C. didn’t get a pair of fuzzy onesies when he made his debut into the world, like they are asking for.

It’s just beyond annoying when people use religion as a crutch when convenient. Or jump on the bandwagon when that belief suits their need in that moment. I’m sick of the consumerism built up all around us, holidays or not. Do you even know why your celebrating this year? Or are you just thankful for the day off? If that’s your reason, then let it be your reason. Be happy to take some well needed R&R and just treat yourself to some family time if that’s what your into, or indulge in WAYYYY to much to eat if that’s what you need. You can enjoy quietly without choosing to berate people who celebrate a birthday thousands of years ago if that’s not your thing, just do your own celebrating however you decide, there’s no need to mock them or belittle others of any religion.

But for the love of everything good, just pick one and stand by it. Be true to you and who you are. It doesn’t have to come at the expense of others. You can have strong beliefs, that’s amazing. It also doesn’t have to become something extravagant and ridiculous until you are so caught up in it, that you don’t even remember why you are “enjoying” the holiday in the first place.

Take the time to figure out what you believe, or if you haven’t yet, decide what you want to believe.

What do you want to celebrate.

And then do it. Live it. Celebrate it thoroughly and truly every day.

But just remember, each individual must choose for themselves.

And for the love of everything good and sane, don’t ever assume someone is going to buy you a present.


-Mariah Carey / All I Want For Christmas-

Welcome To Your Name In Lights All The Lighters In The Sky You Must Be Famous This Is How You Live Your Life

I have absolutely without a shadow of a doubt never wanted to be famous. Not one tiny itsy bitsy little iota of me has ever had the desire to be on stage for a living or wanted to see my name up in lights. If I ever had my life’s crazy story published, I’d do it under a pseudonym to maintain my privacy. To be considered ‘nameless’ is completely and totally fine to me. In fact I’d probably consider it desirable at this point.

So when my co-worker J sent me a link on Sunday saying they were doing open casting calls on Monday for a movie they are shooting here in Kelowna and they were looking for an African American looking girl about 5 years old, thinking Z would love it… I was hesitant.

For a few reasons. One, I knew she would love it. Z is literally the most adorable girl ever. She is so open and friendly, always smiling plus she’s cute as hell not to mention she  always wants 100% of the attention on her. She would love being in the movies or on TV. But with that, comes potentially dangerous situations and can lead to a very interesting lifestyle. I also was wary of introducing the kids to that kind of situation, which might get their hopes up, only to have them not get the part, and then there’s the let down to deal with. In the end though, I decided to try it out, as nothing ventured is nothing gained, and you can’t live a good life if you don’t at least take advantage of the opportunities given to you.

So I left work early on Monday and grabbed the kids out of school a little early to head to the restaurant where the open casting call was. Aside from a Z look alike, they were looking for general public etc.  I explained to them it was just a fun chance to be in a show, but we have to see, as there are no guarantees. Plus I wasn’t sure what to expect given the fact that this was my first time going through this procedure. So I told them we were going on an adventure and if nothing else, we at least got out of school early and had a little fun.

Anyways, we arrived at the place and walked in when it smacked me in the face how ill prepared we were. There weren’t a ton of people there when we got there, but the individuals who were, weren’t there to play. Outfits were on point and hair was coiffed. Shoes were shined and wayyyyy to much perfume/cologne was applied. One little girl maybe 3 years old had her hair curled in ringlets with at least a full can of hairspray holding it in place. I was like common. That’s too much. Here are my kids that I just picked up from school, who are half covered in red paint because they were working on a Remembrance Day art piece in the gym when I got there. Z’s hair hadn’t been done since last week, and I’m just trying to remember if they brushed their teeth that morning lol.

So I’m handed a form for each kids to fill out, and the lady tried to get me to sign up as well, saying I’d have to come with the kids anyways, I might as well be an “extra” and I gave her a hard no, as butterfly’s filled my stomach at the thought of it. But you guys, these forms made me realize I was in way over my head. It was a simple one pager, but it asked for your height and weight and all your measurements like inseam and waist/chest/hip in inches, even your hat size. I’m like I have no flipping clue! It asked if it would be ok to cut/colour hair if needed, and all these details that went on and on. Yes I realize it’s for wardrobe’s sake, but still I had to leave so many blank or just estimate, I felt like an awful ‘agent.’

So we returned the forms and then each Z and Little E had their picture taken while the recruiter asked me what the kids availability was, which let’s be honest, it’s always wide open since they’re 5+8 years old, how much can they really have in their ‘schedule’. It was then that they asked me if I would mind staying and talking to the casting director, since they are specifically looking for someone like Z for a certain role. So I said sure we could stick around for a bit. The kids and I ordered an appetizer to share and watched some ice skaters practice on the arena through the window and about 15 minutes later the same lady came back and told us that the casting director was still in interviews right now, but they have all our information and they’ll be in touch.

To me, I took that as a no, we’re gonna go with someone else. But I want to keep my low hopes up for Z’s sake, and let the kids continue fantasizing about it on the way home and throughout the night. At dinner, it’s all Little E could talk about. The potential of Z being ‘famous’. Or even for himself to be in a movie. I was surprised he cared that much, since I have a hard time convincing him to let me take his picture lately, so I didn’t think he’d be into all of this. But he was good with being considered as a possible extra, and the idea grew on him like crazy as the night went on.

I’m not sure how much time I should let pass before giving up on the idea completely. Would it be fun if Z got the part? Of course. Would it be even more fun if Little E got cast as an extra? Obviously. Just the bonding in that alone is monumental. “Remember when we were in that movie together” are memories that would last forever.

But will it shatter their hopes and dreams if we don’t hear back from the company? I don’t think so. At least I hope not.  Nah I’m pretty sure Z’s forgotten about it already. Little E has probably not forgotten, but he understands there were a lot of people there, and that it was only a chance. I don’t think I’ll have to deal with huge bouts of depression if we aren’t ‘the chosen ones.’

But I’ll keep you posted.


-Lil’ Wayne Ft. Reginae Carter/Famous-

We’re All Broken Pieces Floating By / These Aren’t My People These Aren’t My Friends

I had a packed house last night.

I invited my co-workers over for drinks/games night, and J brought her two kids. I also decided to invite another couple I met through Little E and his classmates and they brought their two kids as well.

So with 7 adults and 6 kids running around my small place it was… loud. Especially after the drinks started flowing. But I think nights like these is what everyone needs, just a chance to get out and let loose. Meet new people and drink and still have somewhere to bring your kids while not feeling like your the only one doing so. It was good all around.

Everyone stayed until wellllll past our bedtimes and so it helped that we turned the clocks back an hour last, although not like I got any extra sleep…..

You know what. I’ve decided this is probably the start to the most lame post I’ve ever written. Here I was chilling at home on a Saturday, baking a cake for company… literally excited for “games night” then spending Sunday hung-over playing board games with my kids… Thinking it’s “post worthy”

Like honestly what has my life become. That this is what I look forward to. This is all I have to be happy and excited about. Providing entertainment for others so we don’t all fall into some sort of depression.

To be completely honest, I’m done with life. I would be 100% fine with not living anymore. So instead of getting all hot and heavy and talking about real shit with you guys because I think no one would understand, I write lame posts about games night… like anyone gives two shits about that. Not even I care, that’s how boring it is. Sure parts were fun in the moment…. but when you really get down to it, why are you living life? Like what is your passion? Do you have a passion or “destiny’?

Like for me, the only thing keeping me around anymore is the fact that I brought two lives into this world so I should do the decent thing and raise them until they are capable of taking care of themselves. Other than that, I’ve been doing some “soul searching” as one might say, and I can’t find anything that drives me anymore. Maybe in a past life I fulfilled my final desires, so now here I am, finishing up ‘life’. Doing one final lap. Tying up loose ends if you will. Because I have nothing left in me. After this run, I’m done. And the thought of death, doesn’t turn me off of that. Sure the pain associated with dying is a discouraging thought, but after that, being dead itself? I think I’m ready for. In fact a small part of me even longs for it. To just be done. Over. All of it over. The pain, the search for joy and love, the let downs, the guilt, the why me/why not me? Just everything. No more creating or struggling. No ups or downs. Nothing.

Just nothing.

I’m ready to find my rest and totality in nothing.

But until it comes naturally, I’ll probably have to suffer through a few more games nights.


-Lovelytheband/Broken-

You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

I’ve gained a bunch of weight again.

Last fall/winter I did so well (for me) and lost 49 lbs/3.5 st/22.5 kg take your pick and reached an impressive 206lbs  (impressive for me).  For those of you keeping track I was 5 foot 10 and 255lbs at my heaviest. Yes I know that’s considered obese or even morbidly obese (I hate that label). Anyways, I got to 206lbs and was so excited about being under 200lbs because I honestly don’t think I’ve been less than that since before I met E apart from maybe once or twice in Kenya when I was very ill, but once I got over the disease, the weight just piled back on.

So, come Feb/Mar of this year just at reaching 206, my life fell off the weight loss track. Things with K went downhill, and I sold my house and moved back in with my parental units and then out here to Kelowna, where I’ve just been stressing non-stop. E lost his job so my finances are under pressure. I’ve been struggling to make meaningful friends to share my struggles with, and I’m lonely. And with that I find I’m eating to much.

It’s not like it’s come by surprise. I’m on the scale almost everyday, and everyday I see that number creeping up, and everyday I ‘resolve’ to do something about it, and everyday that ‘resolve’ lasts about 20 minutes until I’m just like fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Reason being? I enjoy food and right now it feels like it’s the only small bit of comfort I have. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s warm, filling, delicious, satisfying and so many things I can’t even put into words and right now nothing else in my life brings me anything close to that same feeling. It’s pathetic and difficult to explain to anyone who doesn’t have a massive void to fill like I do, or anyone with self control in this area. But I have self control in most areas of my life. I don’t have anger issues. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m not swayed by money or fame etc. All I want is to feel satisfied. And since I can’t force another human being to love me (trust me, I know exactly what my void is from), I think out of all the options in the world to fill my emptiness, things could be worse.

Anyways. Even with me going to the gym again, my weight has still risen to 220 lbs as of the past few weeks.

No, I’m not proud of it nor am I trying to make excuses for it. Yes, when I was less weight I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror more as well as felt more confident. But right now, I just can’t fight all these battles in my life and win the weight one too. So it’s just not worth it right now.

Like they say, pick your battles, and I have more important shit going on to be constantly getting down on myself for my extremely FUPA. All in due time.

Hahahahaha I write that like I think I’m ever gonna be some trim and fit sports illustrated model. We all know I’m not. But it would be nice to look in the mirror one day and not be able to flap around my belly fat.

Maybe I’ll just win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.

I guess I would have to start buying lotto tickets for that eh?


-Shakira/Hips Don’t Lie-

Lately, I’ve Been, I’ve Been Thinking I Want You To Be Happier

Yesterday I got my head outta the clouds and took my kids out. We went to Toys’R’Us and after browsing around for a good hour, they each got to pick out a toy. I figured this was the best way to treat myself for my birthday and get over the birthday blues, would be to buy them something, which in turn would give me a hypothetical few hours to myself during the day.

Little E chose a new LEGO set and Z picked out a toy phone with a pair of keys to put in her purse, which she had brought with us. Then in the parking lot we saw the local hockey team was doing a fundraiser so Little E got to play some street hockey for a bit and Z got her facepainted, and they both ended the adventure with some cake. Fitting since I didn’t get myself any cake the day before.

Anyways the kids had fun with their toys yesterday. Little E was even up early this morning so he could finish off his LEGO set. Something I told him to please not do again, because he woke up everyone in the house early and he has all the time in the world after school instead. So now I’m anticipating a grumpy boy to deal with when I pick them up from day care today.

Other than that, nothing new.

Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes.

Here’s to starting out my thirty second year of life.

Hoping it’s better than all my others.


-Marshmello and Bastille/Happier-

We Gon’ Party Like It’s Your Birthday And You Know We Don’t Give A Fuck It’s Not Your Birthday!

Yesterday was my birthday.

I feel like that’s all that needs to be said. Since my day was as lame as that sentence.

I “celebrated” 31 years of life by just making it through the day.

No cake.

No gifts.

No flowers.

No nothing.

No one even told me Happy Birthday to my face until I lost my temper with little E over something petty at night and raised my voice (which I hardly do), and so I had to apologize to him. I explained that even though it wasn’t an excuse, I was feeling frustrated that it was my birthday and I had had a bad day, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on him. So that made him cry and then it made me cry and that made me feel even more shitty. All because I was feeling sorry for myself.

So I called him over and gave him a hug and he explained that he felt bad for not saying Happy Birthday and I told him I wasn’t mad at him at all, I was just pouting. So we hugged and that was my one “Happy Birthday” all day.

It’s stupid and pathetic, and normally I don’t make a big deal about my birthday anyways, but this year I thought it might be different.

It wasn’t.

And the reality of that hurt more than anything I could imagine.


-50 Cent/In Da Club-