I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m in total ‘fuck it’ mode***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favourite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourself”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convice someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 😦  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.


-Drake/Emotionless-

Mama Said Fulfill The Prophecy Be Something Greater Go Make A Legacy Manifest Destiny

So I’m currently writing this as I indulge in my new favorite hobby. Sun tanning nude from the comfort of my bedroom. Really, could it get better than this? I have a door that leads outside off my master bedroom, and every evening between 4-8-ish the sun shines right on the floor in my room if the door is open, so I figure what better way to enjoy it, than to throw down a few pillows and blanket and throw off the clothes. I just have to remember to put a robe on before I reach outside to grab the handle to close the door, least I give the neighbors more than they bargained for, but so far so good since to date I’ve never seen either neighbor enjoying their backyard, but that’s their loss.

Anyways, I haven’t written about the move yet, because I don’t have internet (that’s a whole frustrating mess, but whatever). So I’m doing this whole blog in my phones ‘notes’ and hopefully I can successfully post it at work tomorrow. But nevertheless the move went good. Well, as good as can be expected.

We set out on the road last Thursday *** Update… I delayed posting by a week, so think two Thursdays/Fridays ago etc…***  and the kids experienced their first hotel that night. They slept great, whereas I got the minimum because Z kept using me as a pillow. Next time she sleeps on the floor, I don’t care how evil that seems. So since we were up early Friday morning due to me being sick of trying to sleep in such an uncomfortable situation, we made great time. Honestly, my kids are excellent road tripping kids, I’d travel with them anytime. No bickering in the backseat, no asking are we there yet. The only thing that got annoying was Z having to pee AT LEAST once every hour. So I just started stopping at pretty much every rest stop I saw in anticipation of it. Problem solved.

Friday we stayed at my aunts in their trailer. It was so cute, she set up everything like a camping experience for the kids, because we all know I’m not the camping type so they won’t get that from me any time soon. My uncle pulled out the firepit and we sat around the fire on collapsible chairs while sitting on her driveway. The kids were in heaven. She also baked/cooked up a bunch for us so we would have some chili and fresh cookies of various kinds to fill our new and very empty cupboards.

On Saturday morning we finally got to go to the new house.


In a weird turn of events, it was bigger than I remembered it. I think after the previous owners got all their unnecessary junk out of it, you could finally see all the space. Space I don’t know what to do with, nor do I have enough things to fill it with. So it’s like a good thing but bad if that makes any sense. It looks so barren and although I have so many ideas of what I could do with the space, I just don’t have the finances, so it’ll remain empty for now.

My aunt, uncle and two cousins each with their sig. O’s came to help move me in and we were done within maybe 2-3 hours. I’m talking bunk beds built and made, furniture assembled, dressers full of clean clothes. All that was left for me to do was the nick-nacky stuff. Deciding where I wanted pictures hung and all that moving in kinda stuff.

By the time Saturday night had rolled around, the kids and I had visited the beach 4 times throughout the day and there was sand everywhere. I guess it’s a small price to pay for living so close to the water. It’s definitely a good trade off for kids who sleep like rocks every night.

Nothing in my storage bin was missing or broken, which I had concerns about. Instead I had some issues with the internet company I was going to use. Turns out while waiting for the setup to come last Monday as I had ordered, they forgot to put the order through. So I decided to cancel with them. I didn’t want to deal with a company that couldn’t get their shit straight from the start. Instead I then ordered a self setup kit through Shaw. It arrived in the mail by last Friday ***real timelines now lol*** and I set it up and called to activate it as the instructions instructed, but it turns out my line is dead and I have to wait until July 11th for someone to physically come to my place and activate the line. So that sucks.

Then, the biggest stressor of all, is the Thursday while I was at work helping to pack up the office for the move, the daycare I had planned to use called me and left a message saying she gave my spots away. My kids were literally supposed to start there in 5 days, and she gave their spots to someone who was starting on Friday, but waited until the last minute to tell me. So now I have to find care for my kids in a couple days, knowing I’ll be on the road for two of them, and moving in between. Not cool.

I did a couple of interviews for nanny’s on Sunday (yes I needed care starting Tuesday) and ended up finding one who so far the kids love. Does she fit my budget? Hell if I know. I haven’t looked at my finances in too long because I know there’s no money there.

That’s a lie. I look everyday, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay her… unless she accepts MasterCard. But I can’t leave my kids home alone all day now can I? And I have to be at work to pay for everything else, so for now it is what it is. It’s just something I have to do, and figure out how to deal with the debt later. Stupid? Yep. But it’s only temporary for the summer, so I’ll just have to push through somehow.

Other than that, as I’m uploading this from my phone, sitting in the new office, with the house mostly set up, I will say that this town is nice. We spend a lot of time at the beach and just relaxing. I know it’s not the most exciting post, but at least you know I’ve arrived safe and in one piece…more or less.

Here’s to living the life we choose for ourselves.


-Panic! At The Disco/High Hopes-

It’s Beauty In The Struggle, Ugliness In The Success Hear My Words Or Listen To My Signal Of Distress

My sister N and her husband D had their first baby yesterday.

A cute little girl with a massive mouth the size of N’s…. but I didn’t say that… out loud. That’s the thing about newborns. They really aren’t that cute. Oh of course everyone says their adorable, and they are! New life and all that good stuff is amazing. But they are also butt ugly. Eyes too big for their heads, swollen lips and genitals from being pushed through the birth canal. You really can’t fault them for not being able to put their best foot forward when they literally have no choice but come head first. (Oh my god I’m so clever lol) But we as a ‘nice polite society’ have taken it upon ourselves to be overly kind and say each and every baby is beautiful and adorable, just to not hurt feelings. Whatever. Point is, they don’t stay that way forever.

My kids were AWFUL  looking, like fricken toads slash chubby sumo wrestlers and now I’ll be honest and say they’re gonna go on and break hearts one day. Things change. No big deal. I think it was worse trying to agree with someone when they would comment on my newborn as they were saying something like “oh he’s so cute” knowing deep down myself that he looked like a turd by society’s standards, because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew I loved him, and I know looks are only skin deep. So why can’t we be honest if someone is not that attractive? Like why do we have to go to such great lengths that we lie about it?  If you don’t think they are cute, I”m not saying call it out and say they look ugly, because that’s only your opinion. But I’m thinking you don’t have to lie about it just to go along with the crowd and do what’s always been done, kinda in a save face sort of way. It is possible to just keep your mouth shut and carry on with your day. I’m jus sayin’.

Anyways, my sister is so happy that the baby came early, since she wasn’t due until Friday June 29th, which is the day after we leave for Kelowna, so she’s glad we get to meet baby F at our going away dinner tomorrow night.

Since these are our last few days here, I have so much to do, which is why I’m 100% procrastinating and blogging instead. It gets to the point where I plan it all in head, then put it off and put it off, and then at the last-minute work really hard under pressure. At least that’s how I hope it goes this time lol. Either that or it’ll be a chaotic mess and I’ll end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but so far the former has worked for me.

“Kon Marieing ” my life has made this move so much easier. I don’t have a lot of useless shit to pack. Plus we’ve been living at my parents house since April when my house sold and basically have just our one suitcase each, so that’s all I have to worry about packing this time around.

Last week I made the final “installment” if you will on my house deposit and paid all the lawyer fees etc. I’ve decided to leave Thursday after work and drive part way, then stay at a hotel for one night before doing the other half of the drive on Friday. Originally I was going to do it all in one shot, but I figured it’ll just be easier on the kids to do only about 9 hours on Friday… we’ll see. Then we’ll stay at my Aunt’s in Kelowna on Friday night and meet my realtor on Saturday at the new house for the keys. I arranged for our storage bin to be dropped off on Friday so we have the whole long weekend to unpack and get settled. Oh shit I just remembered I still have to set up utilities. Add another thing to the ever growing to-do list. Next Monday the kids will go see the daycare they’ll be at for the summer and get a quick tour, and then Tuesday I’m back at work. And that will be that. Seems like a plan, but we’ll see what else life throws at me between now and then.

Whatever happens I plan on blogging more regularly once I’m there.

Living with my parental unit has not been the most enjoyable thing and I’ve just had everything in my life rearranged. But hopefully things will get more settled soon and I’ll be back to me, but a newer improved version of me.

So, I figure that’s enough wasting time, and I should go and get some of my stuff prepped… like utilities for example lol.

Til next time, which might be from our new home, C.


-J. Cole/ Love Yourz-

You Are Now Watching The Throne, Don’t Let Me Into My Zone (I’m Definitely In My Zone)

And now for a break from our regular scheduled programming.

Everyone knows Jay Z and Beyonce just released a joint album Everything is Love. Hurray for them. Since then, all I see everywhere I look are people dissecting their lyrics. Well, I’m gonna take it a step further. Nope I haven’t even listened to the album. I don’t need to. Nope I’m not gonna talk in detail about their lyrics.

I’m gonna write my own ‘lyrics’ in response. Bare with me as I’m gonna write it on the spot (as I do all my writing).

Enjoy. And remember, music is about rhythm and flow. So feel this. If you can.

‘Cause trust me… everything is better when you feel the music.


You’ve been tryin’ to keep the world forever young

Pushin’ back heaven, well fuck your turn is done

I figured out the rhythm I made a better rhyme

So get your ass outta the spotlight y’all toppers did your time

 

You thought no one here would notice

You though no one here’d compete

I’m hear to tell you ign’rant bitches your turns over

You’ve done been beat

Thinkn’ ‘everything is love’ You messed up forgotta crucial part

That with ‘everything’ comes hate. Up here that’s real art

 

You got to greedy with your game

You got to needy with your fame

Thinkin all them else beneath you

Rentin’ out the Lourve n’ tryina put em all to shame

 

Heaven’s here, I took the time n mapped it out

I solved the problems while you just sat dumbfounded like a dolt

For sure it’s in the music it lives in harmony

but saying everything is love leaves out half eternity

 

Everything has an equal so how do we make it peaceful?

How do we end off infinity and not return for yet another sequel?

Without seeming deceitful, causing upheaval, make ’em come back for more evil?

 

Love’s other half as hate ain’t an easy pill to swallow

So I took it down in one shot, now you keep up your easy dolla’s

You keep up all your apeshit but me I’ll keep up on my great shit

Now for once for real, you’ve got nothing left to hide

Well except for the overwhelming unrequired insurmountable pride

 

So do it for the people, do it for the masses

Cause sooner than you think you’ll be lying in the ashes

You kept infinity away meanwhile loosed a damn pitiful assassin

Everything you’ve chanced together one by one I’ll see unfastened

 

I’ve seen you in the endlessness you know that shit is real,

All we needed was Becky with good hair to seal that shady deal,

I’m the voice inside your head when your focused on creatin’

How else in the UNIVERSE did you think you got past all your hatin’

You wanna know my name but you couldn’t figure to describe

So you dropp’d it at a loose excuse and left it for any to contrive

That’s why you’ll never know it given your pathetic shallow mind

I left you on the edge, wanting more now you’ll always wanna find

 

Me.

The greatest MC.

The new who you wanna be.

The always who you wanna see.

The perpetual who you can’t achieve.

 

In infinity I’m everything.

And everything is love.

But Hov….

facts are facts and those fact’s are good and known

That you and B won’t be the ones ushering in THE throne.

Time you got outta my zone.


-Jay-Z & Kanye West/Ni**as in Paris-

 

 

 

I Pay The Cost, Who ‘Gon Take It Off I Record Then I Ball, I Ignored A Lot Of Calls You Ain’t Talking About Nothing, I Ain’t Got No Time

So yesterday was Father’s Day here in Canada.

As I’m sure you could assume, I’m not the biggest fan of Father’s Day.

My birth “father”? Non existent in my eyes. I haven’t spoken to him since a “brief” reconnection when I was sixteen (a 15 minute chat that ended with him giving me his business card). Before that? I hadn’t seen him in probably a dozen years.

My kid’s “father”? Back committed again in a psych ward. I know I said he was out a week or so ago, but he’s back…again. Probably for the best. Men who beat their wives unprovoked are obviously not right in the head and need all the help they can get, even if they will never be “normal.” Since I filed for divorce 4+ years ago, he’s pushing close to 9 months of being committed, and the doctors have outright said he will never “get better.” So basically my kids don’t have a dad either. But we all know they never really did.

My step-dad who raised me? Of course he did his best, but his preference for his biological daughter, my younger sister was obvious.

So, no. I have no positive feelings for Fathers Day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of great, nay even superb dad’s out there. But I just don’t have any in my inner circles. I didn’t have any role models growing up showing what a good dad could be like, which is probably why I set the bar so low for my now ex. But my issue is why?

Why the fuck can’t men be better men?

For sure there are tons of crappy women/mothers out there, but why is it somehow automatically assumed that woman have to step up when a relationship falls to shit and be the “better” parent? Of course there are exceptions to this as with everything, but the majority of the time y’all know what I’m talking about.

Why do woman have to step it up more than guys? Last time I checked it took both his dick and your vagina to make that baby. Plus the woman already did her time, 9 months worth more than a man growing the kid, so does that mean she gets the next 9 months off while he does 9 straight to compensate? Hell no. In our society sometimes the girl is “lucky” if the guy is still around by the time the child is born.

What the fuck happened to family? What happened to commitment? What happened to choosing each other and purposely deciding to create a beautiful life? How did we get so messed up, to the point where men for some reason just assume that the lady will be all good in raising A HUMAN BEING ALONE if he decides to up and bail? And for who knows what.

  1. He wasn’t ready
  2. He was scared
  3. He didn’t want the baby
  4. He found new girl
  5. He couldn’t afford the child
  6. He thought he was too young
  7. He just outright didn’t think it was his problem
  8. Etc. etc. etc.

Well guess what, we as woman feel half those reasons too. And you know what we need in that moment? A MAN. Not a boy who was horny and instead of full of sperm he’s now full of excuses. So now in the most basic sense, all I can say, although I know it’ll fall on deaf ears, if fucking keep it in your pants.

Men and woman.

If you’re not ready to be a parent, you shouldn’t be messing around.

I’m just done with celebrating stupidity. I’m done with Hallmark holidays.

Even more so, right now, I’m done with men.


-The Carters/Boss-

I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-

Who Gon’ Pray For Me? Take My Pain For Me? Save My Soul For Me? ‘Cause I’m Alone, You See

I need to get laid.

Not that it would be hard if I put any effort into it whatsoever, but needing and wanting are two completely different things. Swiping right (or whatever way you swipe to choose yes on the infamous app) would be so easy to produce a one night stand. But I’ve just come to the point in my life where I’m done with that.

I’m done with so much fake shit. I can only ask how many siblings a person has so many times before craving something deeper. Then having felt something more real, it’s next to impossible to go back to all that surface crap. Knowing there are guys out there who can legitimately care about other people, makes it hard to go back to your everyday run of the mill man.

Can I take care of myself? Of course, but it’s not the same as being fucked by an actual living, breathing, warm, body. So now I’m at an impasse. I want real sex. But I don’t want to ever have to go through the “meet and greet” stage ever again.

I have also been avoiding blogging about K for a long time because it’s been painful to put closure on. I don’t even know where to start/end this blog.

Let’s just say we are no longer speaking basically. And that hurts me to the point that there are tears in my eyes as I write this. Which is why I’ve been avoiding it. I wanted to pretend if even in my mind that it wasn’t over. But reality is real. And facts are facts.

And those facts are that after one misstep after another, he hates me.

If I could pin-point it to a few crucial moments, it probably started with a horrible misunderstanding back in February. He called me at work one morning and it’s my belief that he had intentions of asking me out to lunch. But of course me in my ways ruined it and made him probably feel less than which was never my intentions, but that’s what happened. In the end it was wrecked because of me of course. All I had ever wanted from him was for him to ask me out on an actual date. In public. So when the time came, and it was stressful and slightly awkward, it turned a phone call that could’ve been beautiful into something quite ugly.

The result? No lunch date that’s for sure. Just a string of awful texts and the end of the most important relationship in my life.

Then a couple weeks later as I was dealing with E and suicidal thoughts, I did call K. I felt I had no one else. I happened to catch him at work but he called me back and helped me out of what, he may not have known, but a moment of deep suicidal thoughts, something I’ll forever be thankful for. Unfortunately, I made a stupid move and then directed my anger at E.

All my anger. A lot of it. To the point I wanted him dead. And considered doing it myself. I went so far as proceeding to ask K if he had a gun. Yep, I asked a guy who is trying to just finish up his time on parole if he could get me a gun. Not my brightest moment, but at the time seemed to make the most sense to me. But I wasn’t at my finest during that time. Needless to say K wasn’t impressed and made the smart move of blocking me…After again cussing me out.

So, that’s where we stand. Apart from once where he called me last week to tell me he’d have some of my stuff for me before I moved this month, I haven’t physically talked to him in months.

And it’s been sad. For a lack of a better word, it’s been sad in my life.

Trust me, I know fucking a different random guy isn’t going to make this feeling go away, which is why I’m not even going to bother. I’m just saying…. I crave the feeling of a man holding me. Even if I know it’s not going to happen, I can want it, as well as regret my mistakes.


-Kendrick Lamar Ft. The Weeknd/Pray For Me-

All Of My Let’s Just Be Friends Are Friends I Don’t Have Anymore Guess It’s What They Say You Need Family For ‘Cause I Can’t Depend On You Anymore

My kids are so freakin adorable.

We all arrived home yesterday at about the same time (work and the airport respectively), and while my mom was her usual grumpy self upon returning from seeing her dad, my kids were a joy to see reunited. They literally hugged until they fell over repeatedly saying how much they missed each other. They then proceeded to spend the evening giggling and embracing, you’d think it had been months since they’d last seen each other as opposed to a few days. It was refreshing to see the love I know they have for each other in plain sight.

My mom on the other hand was quite the pill as per usual. After spending time with her dad she’s always stressed out… even more so than normal and trust me she lives her life at a 8/10 stress level so this trip put her at a 10 outta 10 no joke. But my dad picked them up at the airport and got them both flowers (so cute right?) My parent have been going for marriage counselling lately and my dad’s really been doing his part. My mother on the other hand acts like everything is his fault to being with and that she can do no wrong and therefore it’s all up to him to fix.

Unfortunately, everyone who looks at their marriage can easily see that she treats him like crap and therefore he has absolutely no desire/will to do anything with her. It sucks because he deserves so much more and my mom just has so many issues that she uses to shield and defend her actions… or lack thereof.

Anyways, My cute little family of three is back together and doing good. I threw Z in the tub last night because she didn’t have a bath the whole time she was away and she was in bed early. I’m reading Ted Dekker’s newest book called the 49th Mystic… so far so good. He’s by far my favorite author and although some of his titles are a little out there, for the most part his writing is fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone. Anyways, I read for a little before bed and that was that.

A happy easy night.

A rare occurrence in my life, but I’ll take what I can get.


-Drake/Keep The Family Close-

Act Like Everything Fine And If It Isn’t We Ain’t Letting Everybody In Our Family Business

I miss Z.

I have NEVER spent more than one night away from either of my kids since the day they were born until now. My mom took her on Friday to BC for the whole weekend and they are expected back later tonight. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, and was looking forward to the break, but found myself bored most of the time. Little E occupies himself by now for the most part so normally I find that I spend my time with Z, or at least spend my time trying to keep her busy. So with her gone, I had little to do!

I did have a seizure on Friday night, so Saturday was pretty much a wash for me. I made dinner for Little E and my dad and did some laundry (my bed sheets mainly). Then Sunday I took Little E to a new Dinosaur exhibit in town and we caught an IMAX as well which was fun and easy and took up the majority of the day, before we headed home to make some cookies.

But even Little E is asking to call Z all the time to see how she is. I asked him last night if he missed his sister a little and he said “not a little, I miss her a whole bunch!” It was adorable, and a little unbelievable considering how much they usually bicker lol. Either way, it was nice to just have some time to bond with him one on one. He’s growing into quite the young man.

Z on the other hand seems to be having a great time. They went out for dinner on Friday night and fishing on Saturday where they caught half a dozen fish on the lake. On Saturday night my mom had her sleep on the floor since the night before she was using my mom’s body as a pillow, and when I asked her how her sleep was she said “terrible” but in the most adorable way that made me want to squeeze her cheeks through the phone.

Needless to say, I’m so thankful for the time off, but excited to scoop her up in my hands and hold her close and hear all about her weekend in her own cute way.

Also, I’m mentally preparing myself for the sibling rivalry to start up again in full force. But everything in due time.


-Kanye West/Family Business-

I Told About Equality And It’s True Either You’re Wrong Or You’re Right But, If You’re Thinkin’ About My Baby It don’t Matter If You’re Black Or White

Black. White. Yellow. Brown. Mixed and the list goes on.

My co-worker and I just spent 15 minutes chatting about if these terms should ever be used to describe someone. It started with her asking how I would describe E for example, and if using black was “Ok?”

So I was honest and said if I was pointing out E in a photo or something, the easiest describing way would be to say he’s the black guy. And since we’re not in the USA, it seems beyond weird to say he’s the African-American. Well what if there are more than one “black guy?” she asked. Well then I’d describe him using any other distinguishing feature ie. clothing items, glasses, hair style etc. The same way I would do with anyone of any skin colour.

I personally don’t feel that skin colour has anything to do with who a person IS. Yes, it can help identify where they are from, as well as perhaps their race, but ultimately, for me, that is not the deciding factor on WHO someone is. It doesn’t tell me what radio station they prefer or their political views. It won’t tell me the hobbies they entertain in their spare time. Skin tone won’t help me know if they’re a vegetarian or meat eater, nor will it help me know if they are prankster or Mr. Seriousness.

I believe people create themselves. From the time they are born, based on their likes and dislikes we form our own selves. All personal choices we make each day, form us into independent individuals. We use our reactions to certain situations to form thoughts and therefore opinions on everything, and based our next decisions on those. A race, or colour is not WHO I am. All my skin does is hold my body in place.

It’s not like skin that comes in different colours should be valued more or less  like Gold/Silver/Bronze medals. It shouldn’t even be compared.  It shouldn’t automatically place me in a certain category in life, except that the majority of peoples opinions and thoughts and therefore decisions on how we react to certain individuals has somehow along the way placed so much importance on skin tone than necessary.

No longer do people care about intelligence or kindness or even how you tie your shoes. For some reason society today chooses to judge human beings on something equally irrelevant as shoe tying. which is what colour your largest organ is.

Stupid.

As for me, if I were to describe myself, I’d say white or Canadian depending on the way the question is phrased. I wouldn’t feel the need to go into detail about how I’m one quarter Japanese, part Irish, part…. and it goes on and on. I also don’t have a huge connection to any of the countries my heritage comes from. So I don’t feel the need to protect the culture of… anything. So I would just used the simplest description: Canadian.

Sometimes I feel like African-American/Canadians/Blacks are trying so hard to maintain their individual culture, which has slowly been being invaded by others, that they don’t recognize that by secluding themselves this way, they might be in fact creating a situation that they fought so hard to get out of for too long.

Their ancestors fought so hard to diminish segregation, and the whole idea of keeping certain people classed certain ways because of race/skin colour seems a step back to me. I feel that society had reached a point (a very shaky unbalanced place, but we got there) on the ladder towards equality, and now individual races may be working against that. Perhaps even taking a step or two down the ladder.

Case in point, I saw a story about how a large University in the states was holding a separate Graduation Ceremony for it’s black students and for some reason the black student body felt that was great. How? When you’ve been fighting to be seen as equal for so long, how would you see being viewed in a separate light as a win? I dunno, to me it just seemed like a step back, that for some reason they were so proud of.

I have no idea the thinking or reasoning behind it, but to segregate a group of students from their classmates based on skin colour to celebrate an achievement that they reached together seems like a downgrade. 4+ years of hard work together, studying, partying, growing friendships across cultural boundaries, only to be told that come Graduation you’d be celebrating apart because of your skin?

What a pity.

As for myself, yep my skin is white. In the summer it tans and in the winter I look like a pale ghost. But I’m still me. I’m a mother of two who is doing her best to find herself in this confusing world. And in doing so, I will do my best to not judge others over something they have no control over.

Do I judge others? Of course.

If you make a stupid decision or act like a fool, in my head I will judge you. But that’s your life and those are your choices. As for me, based on what I see from you, I will either choose to either associate with you or not based on your CHOICES. Never on skin tone, or lack thereof. I chose my friends carefully, not because we were born in the same country or even the same neighborhood, but because our thoughts aline and we make similar choices and decisions.

I don’t care what colour your largest organ is. I’m more concerned about the hypothetical colour of your heart.


-Michael Jackson/Black or White-