The End

Hello all.

Thanks for taking the time out of your lives over the last year and a bit to learn about mine.

Unfortunately life is just to shitty to even find the desire to write and update you guys anymore so I’ve decided to shutdown the whole blogging part of who I am for now.

Thanks for understanding.

C.

Them Filthy Rodents Are Still Coming For Your Souls Never To Let Go

I almost had a heart attack this morning. I’m just waking up, you know that phase when your counting how many minutes you have to get ready if you woke up in that moment, as opposed to pressing snooze one more time, when Little E slams his door and runs into my room.

He’s all excited/scared exclaiming how he just saw something white and hairy/fluffy the size of his FIST run and hide behind his truck.

I immediately think rat/mouse. Seems like the most logical as well as terrifying match to his description. I also am instantly wide awake with my feet, nah my entire body firmly in the middle of my bed and trying not to panic. I asked him to describe it in as much detail as possible again as both kids climb onto bed with me. All I can focus on are how he’s holding his wrist with one hand and then making a loose fist to indicate size of this white… oh wait, now he’s saying it was brown thing that started in the corner of his room, and ran along the floor so fast that he didn’t get a good look, before it hopped behind his toy truck that was on the floor.

Too many thoughts are rushing through my head right now.

  1. I shouldn’t have opened my door when I went to take a piss at 4:00am to cook off the house.
  2. If its a rat, I literally don’t even know where to start. Where there’s one, there’s more
  3. I have no mousetraps
  4. I’m no stepping foot in that room
  5. If it’s a rat, I’m literally going to sell this house
  6. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. I’m to scared to open the door.
  • So then, I’m sitting there and Z is rubbing my arm, saying it’s ok Mommy, and I’m trying not to freak the kids out. I’m saying it’s probably just a rat or a mouse, and they can’t hurt you, I just really don’t like them. So we just sat on my bed for about 5 minutes and the best idea I could come up with was maybe the babysitter who was coming today for the first time (I’ve been having a shitty time finding good babysitters) anyways, maybe they’ll be brave enough to help me out and look in the room. Perhaps even deal with a potential rat infestation.
  • So I put little E on door duty, asking him to monitor the bottom of the door in case it comes out the bottom while I got dressed quickly and managed to get breakfast etc ready. The sitters (yes, two plural, like I said it’s been interesting) arrived a few minutes later.
  • As soon as they walked in, the kids bombarded them with the story of the rat in the room, making it easy as an ice breaker, since I really wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the subject…
  • And so I casually asked if they’d mind checking it out… because I was terrified.
  • They said sure they didn’t mind and even convinced Z to come find the critter with them. Little E said no thanks and stayed in the kitchen, no doubt because my overreaction caused some unnecessary fear, but after not even 30 seconds of furniture shifting, they found what they think is the culprit.
  • Turns out (supposedly) it was a massive moth. 😕
  • I still have my doubts.
  • As much as I really and truly want it to just have been a moth flying around his room, you can’t just that easily undo that much fear that was brought to the surface… as much as I wish it were that easy.
  • Anyways, that was our fake fear today.
  • Until next time, stay classy 😜.
  • -Rats/Ghost-
  • It Was An Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini That She Wore For The First Time Today

    Yesterday, I bought a bikini for the first time ever. I mean I’ve probably worn one when I was like 2, but as a choice on my own, this was a first. And it wasn’t even a whim. I specifically planned to go and buy a two piece swimsuit, and none of that cheater tankini stuff. I’m talking the real deal, itsy bitsy, teenie weenie yellow polka dot, string bikini.

    I was partially inspired by all the old women I see on my beach living their best life. Not giving a fuck, letting it all hang out, while they drink wine on their floaties. I shouldn’t say all, there’s like 2 or 3 ladies, but the thing is, most days I take my kids to the beach, we’re the only ones there. And if anyone else happens to come they sit 50 yards away and do their own thing. So why should I be so concerned about my tummy showing?

    So, I went to the mall while my car was getting it’s out of province inspection (who’s results thoroughly pissed me off) and bought the first bikini I tried on after realizing:

    1. I didn’t look terrible
    2. I didn’t need an XL
    3. My kids said I looked good.
    4. I legitimately felt comfortable in a string bikini.
  • Yeah I was shocked. I mean you’re not going to see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated anytime soon, (ever) but it was weird for me to be confident and feel like I looked good showing so much. Much better than the old ladies on my beach lol. So I’m just gonna be more free. And also more evenly tanned.
  • So, if you ever come through my area, and see a chick with a glaringly white stomach showing on the beach, that’s just me, trying to catch up the tan to the rest of my body. 😂
  • -Bobby Darin/Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini-
  • Here Come Bad News, Talking This And That Well, Give Me All You Got, And Don’t Hold It Back Well, I Should Probably Warn You I’ll Be Just Fine No Offense To You, Don’t Waste Your Time Cause I’m Happy

    Update…I’m alive.

    Super alive.

    Thanks for everyone’s concerns/comments about how I should choose to live my life, but I had a great night.

    Go ahead and read while I write a blog that makes me sound like a complete bitch (opposed to all my other ones lol) but keep in mind, he’s the one who kept asking to come… I’m the one who chose him.

    It was a good choice. Like all my other previous dozens considering this wasn’t my first time as many of you thought, but thanks for the warnings.

    So, he brought some vodka soda’s, we threw on Netflix, some random movie he picked although it’s irrelevant because we didn’t watch any of it, and about half way into my second drink practically 5 minutes into the movie, he asked me I wanted his infamous back rub. Ahhh duh, of course I did. I didn’t just want it I’d been craving something like it. So I downed my drink and we moved it to the bedroom and he gave me a half decent, partially non-sexual back-rub before I asked him for another drink. I chugged the drink and then I literally just enjoyed over an hour of him rubbing me and him getting me off, while turning him down every time he asked if I wanted him to stick his dick in me.

    I told him straight up from the start I didn’t want to have sex, but I selfishly took whatever else he was going to give me in the pursuit of it. It definitely fulfilled my need for human contact, because he tried EVERYTHING, and it was wonderful!

    Then, when all was said and done… for me at least, I said he should probably go, which he did.

    And I had the best sleep… I woke up with a headache from the 4+ drinks I had but other than that, I’m in a great mood today.

    I did my hair and make up this morning, and even wore a skirt to work. Like I actually put in effort to get ready. I feel better. Relieved even. It was a good night.

    The only downside is that he was a short mother fucker lol.

    So, I think if I continue this kind of “self-care” lol, it’s 6 foot+ or no go.

    I just don’t feel like they’re manly next to me if they’re basically the same size or maybe even smaller. Doesn’t mean they can’t be a great fit for someone else! Just not me at close to 5’10.

    So thus concludes my update on “How I avoided falling into depression 2018“. Stay tuned for the next chapter… “6 foot 4″    😉


    -Pharrell Williams/Happy-

     

    Pull Me In, Hold Me Tight, Don’t Let Go / I Want To Step Into Your Great Unknown With You And Me Setting The Tone

    So today I teared up when I went for a pedicure. All because the guy doing my toes took off his gloves near the end and touched my feet with bare hands.

    It was the first skin to skin touch I’ve had in months and it almost made me cry.

    It’s beautiful here. Sunny and hot and people are friendly, but I crave intimacy.

    It’s gotten to the point that I’m pretty much going to resort to my old behaviors of online “dating.” Although why they call it that I’ll never get. Not one of those boys ever took me out on a date. But anyways, I signed up again just to maybe feel someones arms around me again. However fake.

    I haven’t been with a guy since K. But… well just but.

    I guess I got hurt so bad, and maybe thought that we might end up together, that I’ve held off. But reality is harsh. And the reality is he’s moved on. So far on. And it’s time I do the same. It’s past time I did the same… but I kept hoping.

    So I made my ridiculous profile this weekend and got my ridiculous messages. And now I find myself in the position of having a guy about to come over tonight.

    He seems fine. But all I can do is compare him to K, which I know I have to stop doing. My only saving grace at this point is that I got my period an hour ago… so that’ll help restrain me.

    I’m honestly so looking forward to the possibility of a man holding me though.

    Pathetic, I’m well aware.


    -Adele/I Miss You

    I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

    Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

    I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

    For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

    I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

    ***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m in total ‘fuck it’ mode***

    I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

    Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

    How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

    Nothing at all.

    Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

    That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

    I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

    I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest she call me, and moments later she will.

    Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favourite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

    Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourself”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

    Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

    Imagine if we all came from one thought.

    Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

    Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

    Where does that take you?

    I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

    So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

    Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

    Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convice someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 😦  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.


    -Drake/Emotionless-

    Mama Said Fulfill The Prophecy Be Something Greater Go Make A Legacy Manifest Destiny

    So I’m currently writing this as I indulge in my new favorite hobby. Sun tanning nude from the comfort of my bedroom. Really, could it get better than this? I have a door that leads outside off my master bedroom, and every evening between 4-8-ish the sun shines right on the floor in my room if the door is open, so I figure what better way to enjoy it, than to throw down a few pillows and blanket and throw off the clothes. I just have to remember to put a robe on before I reach outside to grab the handle to close the door, least I give the neighbors more than they bargained for, but so far so good since to date I’ve never seen either neighbor enjoying their backyard, but that’s their loss.

    Anyways, I haven’t written about the move yet, because I don’t have internet (that’s a whole frustrating mess, but whatever). So I’m doing this whole blog in my phones ‘notes’ and hopefully I can successfully post it at work tomorrow. But nevertheless the move went good. Well, as good as can be expected.

    We set out on the road last Thursday *** Update… I delayed posting by a week, so think two Thursdays/Fridays ago etc…***  and the kids experienced their first hotel that night. They slept great, whereas I got the minimum because Z kept using me as a pillow. Next time she sleeps on the floor, I don’t care how evil that seems. So since we were up early Friday morning due to me being sick of trying to sleep in such an uncomfortable situation, we made great time. Honestly, my kids are excellent road tripping kids, I’d travel with them anytime. No bickering in the backseat, no asking are we there yet. The only thing that got annoying was Z having to pee AT LEAST once every hour. So I just started stopping at pretty much every rest stop I saw in anticipation of it. Problem solved.

    Friday we stayed at my aunts in their trailer. It was so cute, she set up everything like a camping experience for the kids, because we all know I’m not the camping type so they won’t get that from me any time soon. My uncle pulled out the firepit and we sat around the fire on collapsible chairs while sitting on her driveway. The kids were in heaven. She also baked/cooked up a bunch for us so we would have some chili and fresh cookies of various kinds to fill our new and very empty cupboards.

    On Saturday morning we finally got to go to the new house.


    In a weird turn of events, it was bigger than I remembered it. I think after the previous owners got all their unnecessary junk out of it, you could finally see all the space. Space I don’t know what to do with, nor do I have enough things to fill it with. So it’s like a good thing but bad if that makes any sense. It looks so barren and although I have so many ideas of what I could do with the space, I just don’t have the finances, so it’ll remain empty for now.

    My aunt, uncle and two cousins each with their sig. O’s came to help move me in and we were done within maybe 2-3 hours. I’m talking bunk beds built and made, furniture assembled, dressers full of clean clothes. All that was left for me to do was the nick-nacky stuff. Deciding where I wanted pictures hung and all that moving in kinda stuff.

    By the time Saturday night had rolled around, the kids and I had visited the beach 4 times throughout the day and there was sand everywhere. I guess it’s a small price to pay for living so close to the water. It’s definitely a good trade off for kids who sleep like rocks every night.

    Nothing in my storage bin was missing or broken, which I had concerns about. Instead I had some issues with the internet company I was going to use. Turns out while waiting for the setup to come last Monday as I had ordered, they forgot to put the order through. So I decided to cancel with them. I didn’t want to deal with a company that couldn’t get their shit straight from the start. Instead I then ordered a self setup kit through Shaw. It arrived in the mail by last Friday ***real timelines now lol*** and I set it up and called to activate it as the instructions instructed, but it turns out my line is dead and I have to wait until July 11th for someone to physically come to my place and activate the line. So that sucks.

    Then, the biggest stressor of all, is the Thursday while I was at work helping to pack up the office for the move, the daycare I had planned to use called me and left a message saying she gave my spots away. My kids were literally supposed to start there in 5 days, and she gave their spots to someone who was starting on Friday, but waited until the last minute to tell me. So now I have to find care for my kids in a couple days, knowing I’ll be on the road for two of them, and moving in between. Not cool.

    I did a couple of interviews for nanny’s on Sunday (yes I needed care starting Tuesday) and ended up finding one who so far the kids love. Does she fit my budget? Hell if I know. I haven’t looked at my finances in too long because I know there’s no money there.

    That’s a lie. I look everyday, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay her… unless she accepts MasterCard. But I can’t leave my kids home alone all day now can I? And I have to be at work to pay for everything else, so for now it is what it is. It’s just something I have to do, and figure out how to deal with the debt later. Stupid? Yep. But it’s only temporary for the summer, so I’ll just have to push through somehow.

    Other than that, as I’m uploading this from my phone, sitting in the new office, with the house mostly set up, I will say that this town is nice. We spend a lot of time at the beach and just relaxing. I know it’s not the most exciting post, but at least you know I’ve arrived safe and in one piece…more or less.

    Here’s to living the life we choose for ourselves.


    -Panic! At The Disco/High Hopes-

    It’s Beauty In The Struggle, Ugliness In The Success Hear My Words Or Listen To My Signal Of Distress

    My sister N and her husband D had their first baby yesterday.

    A cute little girl with a massive mouth the size of N’s…. but I didn’t say that… out loud. That’s the thing about newborns. They really aren’t that cute. Oh of course everyone says their adorable, and they are! New life and all that good stuff is amazing. But they are also butt ugly. Eyes too big for their heads, swollen lips and genitals from being pushed through the birth canal. You really can’t fault them for not being able to put their best foot forward when they literally have no choice but come head first. (Oh my god I’m so clever lol) But we as a ‘nice polite society’ have taken it upon ourselves to be overly kind and say each and every baby is beautiful and adorable, just to not hurt feelings. Whatever. Point is, they don’t stay that way forever.

    My kids were AWFUL  looking, like fricken toads slash chubby sumo wrestlers and now I’ll be honest and say they’re gonna go on and break hearts one day. Things change. No big deal. I think it was worse trying to agree with someone when they would comment on my newborn as they were saying something like “oh he’s so cute” knowing deep down myself that he looked like a turd by society’s standards, because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew I loved him, and I know looks are only skin deep. So why can’t we be honest if someone is not that attractive? Like why do we have to go to such great lengths that we lie about it?  If you don’t think they are cute, I”m not saying call it out and say they look ugly, because that’s only your opinion. But I’m thinking you don’t have to lie about it just to go along with the crowd and do what’s always been done, kinda in a save face sort of way. It is possible to just keep your mouth shut and carry on with your day. I’m jus sayin’.

    Anyways, my sister is so happy that the baby came early, since she wasn’t due until Friday June 29th, which is the day after we leave for Kelowna, so she’s glad we get to meet baby F at our going away dinner tomorrow night.

    Since these are our last few days here, I have so much to do, which is why I’m 100% procrastinating and blogging instead. It gets to the point where I plan it all in head, then put it off and put it off, and then at the last-minute work really hard under pressure. At least that’s how I hope it goes this time lol. Either that or it’ll be a chaotic mess and I’ll end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but so far the former has worked for me.

    “Kon Marieing ” my life has made this move so much easier. I don’t have a lot of useless shit to pack. Plus we’ve been living at my parents house since April when my house sold and basically have just our one suitcase each, so that’s all I have to worry about packing this time around.

    Last week I made the final “installment” if you will on my house deposit and paid all the lawyer fees etc. I’ve decided to leave Thursday after work and drive part way, then stay at a hotel for one night before doing the other half of the drive on Friday. Originally I was going to do it all in one shot, but I figured it’ll just be easier on the kids to do only about 9 hours on Friday… we’ll see. Then we’ll stay at my Aunt’s in Kelowna on Friday night and meet my realtor on Saturday at the new house for the keys. I arranged for our storage bin to be dropped off on Friday so we have the whole long weekend to unpack and get settled. Oh shit I just remembered I still have to set up utilities. Add another thing to the ever growing to-do list. Next Monday the kids will go see the daycare they’ll be at for the summer and get a quick tour, and then Tuesday I’m back at work. And that will be that. Seems like a plan, but we’ll see what else life throws at me between now and then.

    Whatever happens I plan on blogging more regularly once I’m there.

    Living with my parental unit has not been the most enjoyable thing and I’ve just had everything in my life rearranged. But hopefully things will get more settled soon and I’ll be back to me, but a newer improved version of me.

    So, I figure that’s enough wasting time, and I should go and get some of my stuff prepped… like utilities for example lol.

    Til next time, which might be from our new home, C.


    -J. Cole/ Love Yourz-

    You Are Now Watching The Throne, Don’t Let Me Into My Zone (I’m Definitely In My Zone)

    And now for a break from our regular scheduled programming.

    Everyone knows Jay Z and Beyonce just released a joint album Everything is Love. Hurray for them. Since then, all I see everywhere I look are people dissecting their lyrics. Well, I’m gonna take it a step further. Nope I haven’t even listened to the album. I don’t need to. Nope I’m not gonna talk in detail about their lyrics.

    I’m gonna write my own ‘lyrics’ in response. Bare with me as I’m gonna write it on the spot (as I do all my writing).

    Enjoy. And remember, music is about rhythm and flow. So feel this. If you can.

    ‘Cause trust me… everything is better when you feel the music.


    You’ve been tryin’ to keep the world forever young

    Pushin’ back heaven, well fuck your turn is done

    I figured out the rhythm I made a better rhyme

    So get your ass outta the spotlight y’all toppers did your time

     

    You thought no one here would notice

    You though no one here’d compete

    I’m hear to tell you ign’rant bitches your turns over

    You’ve done been beat

    Thinkn’ ‘everything is love’ You messed up forgotta crucial part

    That with ‘everything’ comes hate. Up here that’s real art

     

    You got to greedy with your game

    You got to needy with your fame

    Thinkin all them else beneath you

    Rentin’ out the Lourve n’ tryina put em all to shame

     

    Heaven’s here, I took the time n mapped it out

    I solved the problems while you just sat dumbfounded like a dolt

    For sure it’s in the music it lives in harmony

    but saying everything is love leaves out half eternity

     

    Everything has an equal so how do we make it peaceful?

    How do we end off infinity and not return for yet another sequel?

    Without seeming deceitful, causing upheaval, make ’em come back for more evil?

     

    Love’s other half as hate ain’t an easy pill to swallow

    So I took it down in one shot, now you keep up your easy dolla’s

    You keep up all your apeshit but me I’ll keep up on my great shit

    Now for once for real, you’ve got nothing left to hide

    Well except for the overwhelming unrequired insurmountable pride

     

    So do it for the people, do it for the masses

    Cause sooner than you think you’ll be lying in the ashes

    You kept infinity away meanwhile loosed a damn pitiful assassin

    Everything you’ve chanced together one by one I’ll see unfastened

     

    I’ve seen you in the endlessness you know that shit is real,

    All we needed was Becky with good hair to seal that shady deal,

    I’m the voice inside your head when your focused on creatin’

    How else in the UNIVERSE did you think you got past all your hatin’

    You wanna know my name but you couldn’t figure to describe

    So you dropp’d it at a loose excuse and left it for any to contrive

    That’s why you’ll never know it given your pathetic shallow mind

    I left you on the edge, wanting more now you’ll always wanna find

     

    Me.

    The greatest MC.

    The new who you wanna be.

    The always who you wanna see.

    The perpetual who you can’t achieve.

     

    In infinity I’m everything.

    And everything is love.

    But Hov….

    facts are facts and those fact’s are good and known

    That you and B won’t be the ones ushering in THE throne.

    Time you got outta my zone.


    -Jay-Z & Kanye West/Ni**as in Paris-

     

     

     

    I Pay The Cost, Who ‘Gon Take It Off I Record Then I Ball, I Ignored A Lot Of Calls You Ain’t Talking About Nothing, I Ain’t Got No Time

    So yesterday was Father’s Day here in Canada.

    As I’m sure you could assume, I’m not the biggest fan of Father’s Day.

    My birth “father”? Non existent in my eyes. I haven’t spoken to him since a “brief” reconnection when I was sixteen (a 15 minute chat that ended with him giving me his business card). Before that? I hadn’t seen him in probably a dozen years.

    My kid’s “father”? Back committed again in a psych ward. I know I said he was out a week or so ago, but he’s back…again. Probably for the best. Men who beat their wives unprovoked are obviously not right in the head and need all the help they can get, even if they will never be “normal.” Since I filed for divorce 4+ years ago, he’s pushing close to 9 months of being committed, and the doctors have outright said he will never “get better.” So basically my kids don’t have a dad either. But we all know they never really did.

    My step-dad who raised me? Of course he did his best, but his preference for his biological daughter, my younger sister was obvious.

    So, no. I have no positive feelings for Fathers Day.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of great, nay even superb dad’s out there. But I just don’t have any in my inner circles. I didn’t have any role models growing up showing what a good dad could be like, which is probably why I set the bar so low for my now ex. But my issue is why?

    Why the fuck can’t men be better men?

    For sure there are tons of crappy women/mothers out there, but why is it somehow automatically assumed that woman have to step up when a relationship falls to shit and be the “better” parent? Of course there are exceptions to this as with everything, but the majority of the time y’all know what I’m talking about.

    Why do woman have to step it up more than guys? Last time I checked it took both his dick and your vagina to make that baby. Plus the woman already did her time, 9 months worth more than a man growing the kid, so does that mean she gets the next 9 months off while he does 9 straight to compensate? Hell no. In our society sometimes the girl is “lucky” if the guy is still around by the time the child is born.

    What the fuck happened to family? What happened to commitment? What happened to choosing each other and purposely deciding to create a beautiful life? How did we get so messed up, to the point where men for some reason just assume that the lady will be all good in raising A HUMAN BEING ALONE if he decides to up and bail? And for who knows what.

    1. He wasn’t ready
    2. He was scared
    3. He didn’t want the baby
    4. He found new girl
    5. He couldn’t afford the child
    6. He thought he was too young
    7. He just outright didn’t think it was his problem
    8. Etc. etc. etc.

    Well guess what, we as woman feel half those reasons too. And you know what we need in that moment? A MAN. Not a boy who was horny and instead of full of sperm he’s now full of excuses. So now in the most basic sense, all I can say, although I know it’ll fall on deaf ears, if fucking keep it in your pants.

    Men and woman.

    If you’re not ready to be a parent, you shouldn’t be messing around.

    I’m just done with celebrating stupidity. I’m done with Hallmark holidays.

    Even more so, right now, I’m done with men.


    -The Carters/Boss-