Girl Look At That Body, I Work Out. When I Walk In The Spot, This Is What I See Everybody Stops And They Staring At Me

So today I finally signed up for Good Life gym. I did a little research on a few different gyms, and this one just seemed to fit my needs the best. There’s one literally right down the street from work downtown right now, plus one close by my current home. There’s also one in Kelowna for once we’ve moved, and there’s no transfer fee so that’s decent I guess. I managed to milk my membership for all it’s worth though lol. I signed up for the two year membership, which cuts down on the monthly fee, and I plan on using both here and once I move long term so why not get a cheaper rate if I know I’ll be sticking with it right? I also got them to give me 6 weeks free access before my fees kick in instead of the 4 week offer that’s currently on, just because I’m amazing like that. I also still asked for the 3 free visits before the 6 weeks free starts, because, well why not right?

As soon as I walked in the door though, I remembered why I’ve avoided the mass market style gyms for so long:

  • Girls going at like level one on the treadmill not even breaking a sweat, but shaking that bottom just enough.
  • Guys walking around with their chests puffed out, making laps around the gym (behind the above mentioned chicks on treadmills of course), but I never actually saw them lift a weight.
  • 4-5 staff members standing around the front desk, gossiping about who knows what….Loudly.
  • The gym selfie people. Either the guy just finished a huge set and thinks his veins are popping, or the girl is perfectly poised to start her hot yoga class. All there in droves, posting to instagram stories I’m sure.
  • Girls travelling in packs like if they separate from the group, the weak ones will be picked off by the ravenous looking men. (It’s a thing, trust me)

All that fun stuff. Plus throw in the mix 2 guys I recognized from… well you know what from. I don’t even remember their names to be honest. All I know, is once I got changed and started my workout, Creep A (since I can’t remember his name) “casually” moved right to the machine smack dab in front of me to use.

I’m seriously doing EVERYTHING I can to focus on my squats. I pull my hat brim down low, my music is up high, I’m literally looking straight past him trying to focus on my form and count off reps… But I can’t help notice that he’s only benching as much as I can (well that and the fact he had the worst sweat on his pants down the middle of his ass crack).

It’s like, dude. First off, I know it was only a one night stand, but why did I ever give this guy a chance? Secondly, buddy, don’t try and impress a chick by benching less than 150, just a little hint. Like I know we all have to start somewhere, and I’m 100% for each of us taking steps towards bettering ourselves, cause look at me, prime example here. But guys. Honestly. Don’t try to impress a girl by benching one plate, and looking like you’re struggling. It’s not attractive in the littlest bit. A girl wants to at least imagine that you can sweep her off her feet while fantasizing about y’all, even if it’ll never happen. You struggling with one plate just wipes all illusion about that away. Just a tip (that’s what she said). If you can’t bench more than that, but really wanna try and catch her eye, then walk away and do something you’re good at, which I’m going to assume is the treadmill or something cardio related, judging by all that swass.

Anyways, I finished my squats while ignoring him and moved on to some deadlifts, and I could see he had missed my switch, because while I’m in the middle of my set and watching my form in the mirror, I see him come around the corner scanning the room, blatantly obvious that he was looking for me. Once he spotted me he ducked back behind the wall, not at all subtle, but 5 seconds later walks back in to a bar near me again.  Ok Creep A. If you wanna hit me up, just grow some balls and come up to me and talk to me, so I can turn you down face to face. Don’t stalk me around the gym while it’s obvious to everyone there that I’m trying to pretend like you don’t exist. Some other guy actually asked me if Creep A was bothering me, that’s how noticeable it was.

I realized upon leaving though, that this is probably going to be something I’ll have to deal with. Being the downtown location of a “brand name” popular gym, and the fact that I like guys who stay in shape… This is most likely not going to be the only time I see guys I’ve slept with there. So I guess it is what it is. The one upside I can think of now, is that at least my body looks 50 pounds better than when any of them saw it naked.

And it only goes up from here.

Or down I guess lol. I don’t plan on gaining that weight back.


-LMFAO/Sexy And I Know It-

Why Do I Give Valuable Time To People Who Don’t Care If I Live Or Die / In My Life Why Do I Smile At People Who I’d Much Rather Kick In The Eye?

Frustrated. I guess that would be the only way to suitably and simply describe how I’m feeling now.

I’m stuck when it comes to my divorce. I feel any move I attempt to make will only be detrimental to my case and I hate that feeling.

Last you heard, I had contacted my lawyer and he sent an email saying something along the lines of us being very close to completion, but I just had to update my Legal Aid file. But when I contacted Legal Aid, they informed my that there was in fact nothing wrong with my file, but while they had me on the phone, they decided to do an update on my file.

I knew that would only turn out bad for myself since I know I make more than the limit now allowed for coverage by them. Turns out I was right. The lady on the phone said they would contact my lawyer, informing him of the situation. If the case was near completion (which it technically was as mentioned by my lawyer, but knowing E it could still take years) then they would allow him to finish it off under my files current ticket with the subsidized coverage. If my lawyer felt it still had a lot longer to go, then he would have to wrap up whatever had been done thus far, and I could choose to either proceed with him, at full cost, or find a new lawyer, again paying full price.

Fast forward to today… and I still haven’t heard from ANYONE. So I feel like if I make a move and reach out to anyone, it might shine light on circumstances that might be better left hidden. Maybe my lawyer is wrapping things up and we are almost done like his previous email said, although that was like Christmas time-ish if I’m not mistaken so I’m doubtful that’s the case.

Agh, I just hate my divorce being basically controlled by others who realllllly don’t give a fuck. No-one cares that I’ve been dealing with this shit for FOUR GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKEN DRAWN OUT MESSED UP ANNOYING AS ALL HELL YEARS. 

Four years. I could’ve gotten a University degree. Shit I could’ve been over halfway to becoming my own Lawyer at this point. At least then I would’ve known that without a doubt my legal counsel had my best interests in mind at all times. But nope. I’m sitting here feeling like my hands are tied. My lawyer doesn’t care, and E is just playing his continuous games.

If I had wanted to remain married for 8.5 years, I would’ve just stayed with E in Kenya.

I don’t.

I didn’t

I want to be divorced from that man.

Now.

And forever.

I’m not waiting for death to part us.


-The Smiths/Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now-

It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! It’s Raining Men! Amen! I’m Gonna Go Out To Run And Let Myself Get Absolutely Soaking Wet

Yesterday I was driving the kids to daycare and we were listening to the radio as per usual, when little E asked how do “they” know what the weather is going to be?

OOOOOKKKKKAAAAAYYYYYYY!

I honestly have tried to figure this out so many times. I mean I get the general idea of wind patterns and cloud coverage etc. But honestly, how do “they” KNOW, that the wind just won’t fucking change!!!! Or more clouds just won’t accumulate? Or the sun won’t just shine harder lol. Or basically any million occurrences that could happen that could change the predictions? Like honest to goodness, how can “they” know?

So I outright told little E that. I told him I think they make predictions based on wind patterns and cloud movement but it’s a question that I haven’t quite figured out the answer to, so maybe he could ask his grandpa.

When I said I didn’t know the answer, I saw his eye’s twinkle in the rear-view mirror. As any kid’s would when they realize their parents don’t know everything. But I continued by saying, that like I had told him before, I would always be honest with him and never lie to him just to seem like I know the answer. Therefore, everything I’ve told him up to now, and in the future, has been and will always be the truth to the best of my knowledge. And if I don’t have the knowledge, I’ll point him in the right direction.

Now he knows that he can trust what I say. He knows that I won’t make up something “just because,” and I could see his mind going and thinking back over things I’d probably told him that he might not have believed, but now, he knew he could trust me.

Last night, and all today? It was like he was a whole new boy. I’m not sure exactly what doubts he had in his mind,  but that conversation changed something in him. He’s become happier more confident and just overall more satisfied with life it seems. I’m glad that what ever was bothering him is gone now… annoyed that it was there in the first place, but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyways, as far as weather, I’m going to set little E up with my dad to see if he can learn a few things about it. My dad is a plethora of knowledge when it comes to that stuff. None of it rubbed off on me apparently, but that wasn’t for a lack of trying on his part.

When I was in grade 5, my dad volunteered to organize a whole field trip for my class while we were doing our unit on aerodynamics and somehow I remember clouds being involved in that (see how little I care about the sky lol). So, he arranged for our class to go down to the municipal airport and see the airplanes there. We all had a chance to sit in them and play with the controls a bit, while he explained about the wings and lift and drag and all that airplaney stuff. I really wasn’t paying attention. One, because it was my dad and I’d heard him talk about it a thousand times at the dinner table (and car rides and bed time and just all the time was airplane time), and two because it was my dad and everyone kept looking at me because my dad was the teacher for the day. Then at the end of the field trip, he took my teacher for a quick flight in a 2 seater plane which everyone thought was amazing. I was seriously thinking, I did this with him like 2 months ago for a Saturday afternoon for fun so it wasn’t that special, but ok, whatever tickles your fancy. And then back to school we went.

So, I think he’s a much better candidate for teaching little E about weather and clouds and the air and sky and all that jazz. As for me? I probably still have no clue how it works because I was too embarrassed that my dad was leading the field trip to properly learn about cloud formations to pass any knowledge on to little E.

Maybe that’s why knowledge skips a generation lol.

***After thought*** I normally write my posts and then pick a song/title that suits it. So after choosing this one, it reminded me how just tonight my kids facetimed my parents and when I answered my dad asked if I was going on a date. I was caught off guard, like what?? Why? He’s like your wearing lipstick. lol Omg, dad, I’ve been wearing it all day at work. Trust me. I have no date life. I’m literally in my pajama’s, and as we’ve discussed before, have literally NEVER BEEN ON A PROPER FUCKING DATE!!!!!!! So no dad. I don’t have a date tonight. But thanks for asking and reminding me of that very painful and annoying fact. Appreciate it.


-The Weather Girls/It’s Raining Men-

I Was Wondering Maybe Could I Make You My Baby If We Do The Unthinkable Would It Make Us Look Crazy If You Ask Me I’m Ready

Oooooooh man. So it’s a holiday in my city today. Which in and of itself is good. Also happening today? Another house showing. Also a good thing right? Until I realized I had to be outta the house between 6:30-7:30 at night.

Seriously anytime my routine gets disturbed I’m flexible, yes. But not exactly happy lol. Especially when I arrived at the indoor playground to occupy my kids for a couple of hours and it’s PACKED in here because of the holiday.

There are so many things frustrating about it, but off the top of my head is how grammatically incorrect people are speaking. I’ll get to the point if my post in a minute but I can’t concentrate because all I can hear are all the parents around me, screaming at their children in sentences that would have any grade school teacher cringing. And it’s like no wonder kids nowadays barely speak proper English… they just repeat exactly what they’ve been taught, or not been taught in this case. It’s times like this I’m actually thankful my mom corrected every little error I made while speaking. It was theeeee most annoying thing at the time, but its made me thankful in times like now. Trust me. I’m well aware I’m far from speaking/writing perfectly, but I’m pretty sure I’m leaps and bounds above the majority of the people in hear by the sounds of it.

Anyhoo. The reason I started this whole post today, was because as I was tidying up my house for the showing, a thought crossed my mind. As it has each time I’ve had other people in my house who don’t know me.

All these people will see, are the “artifacts” that represent our life now. And that’s it. They will see photos of my mixed race kids, which I have tastefully displayed around my house. They will also see evidence of only one parent. A mom. There is no trace of a man in my house at all. No shoes in the closet or coats in the door. No sports memorabilia. Not even a second adult toothbrush in the bathroom.

All that they’ll see are the items that belong to my kids, and I. No father. Which unfortunately because of so many stigmas, worries me that it will lead to one and only one impression in their minds, whether intentional or not. And that is, that this is the house of yet another single mom. Who probably got pregnant by some short-lived relationship where the dad didn’t want anything to do with the kid, or just pays his dues and moved on. Maybe takes the kids on weekends, but obviously by the lack of an imprint he has in their life, hasn’t stuck around.

And that bothers me.

Not because that’s not our story.

Not because that story does belong to so many others.

Not because I don’t wanna be judged as some gold digging hussy.

Not because I care how others judge me.

But because of the fact that I MYSELF THOUGHT IT. And if I thought it, who’s to say a stranger walking through my house won’t. Even just in passing. And even that itself shows what my kids will be subjected to throughout their life.

Because of my life decisions, my children will be lumped in with all the other kids in similar situations and judged the same, no matter if their history is different or not.

Society doesn’t give two shits about what happened between their dad and I, or how hard I tried even though I knew it wasn’t worth it, and should’ve given up long before I did. They just see the results. The here and now. The leftovers. Which is another single mom with two kids whose black dad is not around.

And I hate it.

No one ever wants to be a part of a statistic, it’s never planned this way, but it’s even more depressing when it’s not one you believe in. I think black men have to many labels put on them in error in the first place. And I hate that my life contributes to that. Did my marriage fail? Yes. But does that mean every/any relationship with a black man will be unsuccessful? Absolutely not.

I still wholeheartedly trust them on the whole and have seen first hand MANY successful, thriving, long-term couples in mixed race, relationships, as well as white couples, black couples, and everything in between. People are perfect. Relationships work because PEOPLE make them work.

No we are not perfect. Yes it can be more difficult to be in a relationship with someone from a different background than you, but I think that is exactly for the reasons I just mentioned above.

Stigma.

Society has grown to expect ‘certain things’ from ‘certain people’. Why? For what? Are we not all humans? Who made these decisions that certain races had to behave certain ways? And why?

I think love should just be love. And on the same hand, divorce should just be divorce. My marriage did not fall apart because of race. In fact that played no part in my decision, and never would (not that I hope to ever make a decision on divorce again). It was based on everything else that took place within the marriage because of us as people and behaviours.

Therefore, in my ever so humble opinion, people, including myself, should just learn to take their opinions and shove ’em where the sun don’t shine.

Because let’s be honest. Those opinions are probably based on a stigma that should be eradicated anyway.

Also, wish me luck on the showing. They are repeat viewers so that’s a good sign 🤞🏼.


-Alicia Keys/Unthinkable-

‘Cause People Got Me, Got Me Questioning Where’s The Love

This post is inspired by a blog I unfortunately didn’t read, but briefly glanced over the title a few days ago, and it’s stuck with me. The title read something along the lines of “I’m not a vacation destination for you” or something like that. At least that’s how I carried it with me. That line made such an impact in my head… mostly, because I have allowed so many people to make “stops” in my life, take what they need, and move on.

They come for a quick “visit” or “jaunt” if you will, without any regard for my feelings or emotions, and then continue on their merry way after they’ve taken what they need. Sometimes on their own, sometimes with a nudge from yours truly. But not of course before stopping in the souvenir shop of my heart and/or head and taking little pieces for themselves, with no regard for what’s left or what they replace in the gaping hole they’ve left.

So I’ll tell you what it’s been replaced with. Nothing. That’s why I have chunks from my emotional psyche missing. I went this morning to gather a little physical evidence of people who have come into my life for a while, taken what they needed, or could, and when they couldn’t take any more, I had to actually remove them.

number pic

This is just what would fit on one screen, of people I’ve had to block from my life, because they came in, and I felt used by them (for good reason… the feeling, not the using), so I separated myself from them to block the negative energy. I’m not going to sit around and allow individuals to take from me, without receiving anything in return.

Friendship, or any kind of relationship, should be a two-way street. Does this mean I have limited people I can rely on? Obviously. But I’d much rather have small numbers of dependable people who I know are there for me just as much as I’m there for them, than thousands or even hundreds of fake “friends” who are only there when they need something from you.

I feel like this has become a “trend” in the world lately. This is where abusive relationships come from. Where do people get off thinking it’s okay to use other HUMAN BEINGS for their own gain? Why don’t people understand that everyone has emotions. Everyone is capable of getting hurt. Why can’t individuals understand that we are dealing with other people who have real thoughts and feelings. Feelings that can be broken.

It’s not our right or place to damage anyone’s feelings/emotions/thoughts. Seriously! Who have people grown to think they are, that they have the right to walk into someone else’s life, and take what isn’t theirs by way of time, emotion and feelings, without regard to what effect it will have when they leave, or treat those situations insensitively.

I’m just sick and tired of society feeling like we aren’t responsible for each other. We are. We are responsible for every interaction we have with every other human ever. 

What right do you have to tell someone you don’t like some physical feature on their body, no matter what it is? None.

What good is it to put someone down? None. If that’s the only joy you get in this world, you need to do some inner soul searching.

How in the world does it help anyone to flaunt your wealth if you don’t plan on sharing? It doesn’t.

What good is it to walk around with a scowl on your face? Nada.

Every time we talk to, or look at, another person, we leave some sort of impact. I’m just suggesting we try and leave a more positive one. Quit stealing from their hypothetical souvenir shop.

Trust me, it’s draining.


-The Black Eyed Peas/Where Is The Love-

It Might Seem Crazy What I’m About To Say / Well, Give Me All You Got, Don’t Hold It Back / Don’t Waste Your Time Here’s Why… Because I’m Happy

Yesterday I had a self induced eye opening experience. Actually it was just a thought, or string of thoughts, but it left me basically shocked at myself.

I was sitting at home, pouting about Valentines Day coming up (today) and started thinking about why in the world I’ve let myself get to a point where a single commercialized day could control so much of my emotion. I hate Valentines Day. But why? Well there’s the obvious, because I’ve never celebrated it like you’re “supposed to.” But even more, because everyone who is out there in love, likes to show it. Which I mean good for them, they’ve found something special so go ahead and flaunt it. I know I would. But truth be told, cause you know I will, I just don’t wanna see it because I’m jealous.

But then it lead me to ask why? Why don’t I like seeing all these happy and in love couples just being happy? Because when I sat down and asked myself the all important question last night, I realized, like actually honest to goodness realized, that I’ve never been happy. Which is why I’m jealous, spiteful even.

Sure I’ve had pockets of joy here and there, but I’ve never in my life held joy or happiness for probably more that a 2 week span, and that’s pushing it. Which can only mean one thing. It’s my fault.

For starters I’m well aware I can’t depend on others/outside sources to bring me happiness. That’s not true happiness. That’s dependency. I have to find it from within, and I 100% have not found it yet. I have peace. I have satisfaction. I have calm. I have logic. I have self-control. I have kindness. All from within me, but if I’m being frank (all while being C), I’ve no clue how to “produce” joy or happiness from within. Pathetic? Yes. True? Also yes.

But I’m just being real here. Other than ‘thinking happy thoughts’ what the fuck can an individual do to actually be happy? I’m not talking about short-term happiness, like oh I went out and did an activity with friends or read a book or something else trivial. I’m talking actual real inner happiness, that doesn’t go away.

How do you find that? Or how do you grow/cultivate that?

I’ve only ever wanted to be loved. Because I honest to goodness felt like that was the only thing missing in my life. I felt like being loved or in love would “complete me” somehow. Which is another reason I can’t stand this time of year. But maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong. Oh don’t get me wrong, it’s still the deepest desire of my heart to be in love, but maybe that’s not the end all be all.

Maybe I should be searching out happiness from myself, however that works. Then if I’m lucky (which history shows I’m not lol) maybe love will find me.

Anyways, if you have any tips that aren’t stupid (yeah I said that) let me know.

P.S.  Just because it’s funny and I need some joy, my boss just farted. So I thought I’d be immature and share that 🙂


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

What’s Love Got To Do, Got To Do With It What’s Love But A Second Hand Emotion / Who Needs A Heart When A Heart Can Be Broken

So tomorrow is Valentines Day. And while I have no plans other than work (obviously) Z is over the moon excited, for reasons I’ve yet to figure out.

Last week I bought cheap valentines from the Dollar store for my kids to fill out with some chocolate hearts for little E to give out to his class as well. We finally had a chance this weekend to fill out the cards and Z was thrilled! She just kept talking about how she was SOOOO excited to give the cards to her friends and to have so much fun. It was actually adorable. Little E on the other hand was more difficult to read.

For starters his teacher didn’t make up a list of names of the kids in his his class, because we all know what a stellar instructor/joy in general she is. So little E is struggling to think of all the kids names. I told him don’t worry about it. There’s no way his teacher can fault him for not giving everyone a card if she didn’t provide a list. So I told him to just give a card to the kids he wanted to, or at least the ones he remembered. I know that’s probably not the best suggestion, but to be honest, now-a-days, kids will be getting so many valentines, I highly doubt if they notice that they don’t receive one from little E. So he made a few cards for some kids at school and then even went ahead and made some for a couple of the kids at his daycare which I thought was cute.

I did push slightly, and ask him if there was anyone special he wanted to make a valentine for. You know. A certain someone. But nope. He didn’t budge. He said no. I’m literally at a loss.

When do little boys start liking little girls? I grew up with all girls. ALL GIRL ERRRRYTHAAANG. So I have no clue when to even start looking for certain signs. His dad is a dead end. My dad is just, well we don’t have chats like that. And now I’ve exhausted all my options. Other than to try my best to keep the lines of communication as open as possible between little E and myself. But let’s be honest, how long is that going to last. He’s a guy. Who is going to want to talk about intimate guy stuff. Stuff I really don’t have much knowledge about. So I’m well aware I’m going to struggle/fail in that area of parenting. Thus another reason kids were meant to have 2 parents. So my question is what am I supposed to do for him, when he needs a MAN to talk to? I can’t fucken Google everything!

Z on the other hand, has been excited since Saturday about Valentines day. She insisted that she bring her cards to daycare yesterday just so that they were there and ready to go. She’s also been planning her outfit since last Friday, when she found out that the teachers wanted them to wear red or pink. So far she has it narrowed down to 2-3 choices but that could all change once we get home tonight and have to actually decide and lay it out. Oh to be a 4 year old girl again. Literally like zero cares in the world.

As for me… I’m leaning on little E’s side. I also feel like there’s nothing to be excited about. Of course I got my kids a little treat to show them I love them, but I know by now not to expect anything from anyone, and therefore it’s just another day.

Thrown in among the rest for me.

I am considering though, doing something a little more special for Z (and therefore little E by proxy), just because she is so excited about the “holiday.” So if you see an extra bouquet of flowers around our house, you can rest assured that I bought it for her, and I don’t have some secret admirer out there… not that that thought crossed your head anyways.


-Tina Turner/What’s Love Got To Do With It-

This Life Is Filled With Hurt When Happiness Doesn’t Work Trust Me, And Take My Hand When The Lights Go Out, You’ll Understand

I haven’t been on top of my writing, I know. For starters, life has been intense this past while, which I’ll try to delve into in a later post. But also, I’ve been having seizures so often now that I just don’t have the energy or strength to write. I’d prefer to spend all my free time ‘recovering’. I have Grand Mal seizures in my sleep, and while they were controlled by meds for the most part of my life, these past 2-3 weeks I’ve been having 1-2 a week, which considering it had been years since they’ve effected me like this, is in and of itself stressful/annoying. They cause so much pain in general. My entire body is sore when I wake up. Last night (and most nights) I bit my tongue and lip. I threw up after I finally dragged myself outta bed and it was full of blood. This time I also scratched up my face, so that was something new. It was also something fairly embarrassing for when I had to take little E to his hockey game and my face was full of red scratches. Then to top it all off, because apparently that’s not enough, I wet the bed. Yep I’m 30 years old and can’t control my bladder. Attractive.

So, because little E had a hockey game early (7:30) this morning, and then a birthday party at 2, I took Z to get her nails done 💅🏼 and now because I’m literally too tired to cook, I’m sitting in a McDonald’s play-place, in an attempt to wear the kids out and hopefully have a quiet evening.

I picked up some Epson salts for a bath later and I’ve been living on Extra Strength Advil.

At this point, I’m not sure what’s going on, or what that problem is. All I know is this has been beyond draining and I wish they would stop. To have something happening to my body that is beyond my control is frustrating and annoying. It’s painful and the doctors honestly don’t seem to give a shit. They ask if I’m taking my meds, which I am. And than I’m met with blank stares. It’s like if this medicine doesn’t work, they literally have no clue where to go from there.

So anyways. That’s what’s been going on with me. My brain has decided it’s going rogue, and as a result, my body feels like death.


-Three Days Grace/Pain-

You Painted Yourself, A Thousand Times, As If You Never Got It Right. You Lay Awake, With A Mirror Above Your Bed.

Ohhhhhhhh my goodness. I currently look like Frida. And not in a good way.

My kids are sleeping over at my parents house tonight and so instead of sit around the house doing nothing, I had the bright idea to go get my eyebrows microbladed, which is something I wanted to actually do for myself for my birthday back in October but things just never worked out.

So anyways after the kids left I started my search on decent mircoblading places and ended up finding a place right down the road that had really good reviews. I called them up and they said they could get me in right away. So off I went.

Well first, the tech and I discussed my brows, in which I felt I was pretty clear about how I liked my eyebrows and how I wanted them to look in the end, which in all honesty was exactly the same shape, just darker. All if which seemingly went right over her head despite all her nodding and uh-huh-ing. Then she did a quick threading, which I’ve never had done before. Actually I’ve never had anything done to my brows other than at home tweezing. No threading, no waxing, no lazer, nothing. My brows aren’t bad (well they weren’t pre this lol) they just aren’t very noticeable, so if I’m putting any effort into looking good, I’ll fill my brows for the biggest wow effect.

So anyways, after the threading, they looked pretty much the same. In hind sight, I shoulda stopped there. But woulda, coulda, shoulda, hey! Then I had to sit with a numbing cream for a solid half hour forty-five minutes before the blading began.

The numbing cream didn’t work that well  on the first eye. I could feel every scratch as she dug it into my eye, it was not pleasant. I also kept thinking that they feel like loooong ass lines instead of feathery-like whispy strokes I’d expect to mimic hairs. Then, she announced the first one was done and would I like to see it before she started the second. Sure, why not hey? But then after I said yes, she worked on it for another solid 30 seconds, making me wonder why she had announced she was done in the first place, before finally grabbing a mirror for me.

OH MY GOD!

I honestly can’t even think of a person to properly describe my brow except the dad from American Pie. Eugene something or other… I was literally shocked. But now I’m committed. Like I’ve come this far, I can’t have only one ridiculously bushy brow and one fine thin one right? So I have literally no choice but to let her continue with the next one. Meanwhile regretting my decision the entire time.

So she did the next brow, which to be fair didn’t hurt at all, I think the numbing cream had had more effect by that time so I honestly didn’t feel any pain. it was done in few minutes and again she pulled out the mirror, which I didn’t even want to glance in, because I was just so done with this whole thing by this time. But I looked and the whole time I’m just trying to figure out what the fuck I can do to solve the problem of these huge fuzzy caterpillars crawling across my forehead. They looked big. Just big.

But then, to make matters even worse, if that was possible, but yes, it was. She said that now she was going to apply additional color to allow it to soak in. And then.. THEN… AFTER IT WAS OVER, she advised me that they would look pretty dark for a couple days, and hopefully I didn’t have any big plans for the next little while. WHAT???? Now you say that? What if I had a big date that night (baahhahaha) or something? But for real? That’s probably something you should advise at the beginning of the procedure, in case I in fact DID have somewhere to go. Anyways, she continued to literally paint the colour stuff (I have no idea what they actually use for this process) on my brows in a think layer, and says to leave it for at least TWO days to soak in.

I look in her mirror, and I 100% look like Z took a bold black sharpie and thickly coloured in my brows… and she wanted me to leave them like that without washing them for two days???? Ummm nope. Not happening. As soon as I got home, I wiped as much of that crap off as I could. There was no way I wanted them to be any darker than she had already made them. The more I looked in the mirror at home, the more I fully realized how much she had mutilated my previously nice brows. She drew so many lines outside of my brow shape that it looks awful now. Biggest aesthetic mistake of my life.

I’m supposed to go for a touch up in 4-6 weeks. So as the days have gone by (I started this post on Sat and it’s now Wed, because, well, life) they have lightened, which is good, but they are still so much bigger than I ever wanted. I will go back for my touch up, since I’ve already paid for it in the initial price. But I’m going to make it soooooo clear, I don’t want any lines outside my natural hairlines. Just to darken where my own hair is.

And yes. I realized how superficial this post is. But sometimes it’s just easier to talk about stuff like this instead of the real important going ons in my life. Mainly because I haven’t figured out the words to properly describe it yet.

And yes, now that it’s Wednesday, my brows look better, just MUCH bigger. and darker than I’m used to. And not what I wanted. Kinda like life lol.

Also… I didn’t review or proofread this post in the slightest, sorry.


-Tinpan Orange/Song for Frida Kahlo-

God’s Plan I Hold Back, Sometimes I Won’t / Still Bad Things It’s A Lot Of Bad Things That They Wishin’ On Me

So my house is up for sale. The listing went live on Jan 25th (last Thursday) and there was one showing booked for Sunday that got cancelled last-minute, and now another one for tomorrow. So I’m feeling hopeful that at least people are interested in the place enough to want to come see it in person. But I’ll admit it’s been stressful. Keeping it clean and show ready at all times. I’ve obviously never sold a house before, and so just all the random thoughts that cross my mind every once in a while are crazy. Like “what if it doesn’t sell?”

I honestly hadn’t even considered it until Sunday when the first showing was cancelled. But for real? What in the world will I do if it doesn’t sell? I can’t even begin to let my mind wander down that path. I’m fairly confident just from the amount of activity we’ve had on it in such a short time that someone will scoop it up, so I’m just going to stay focused on the positive. And also keep an eye open for a new place. Everything so far has turned out to be a dud, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that with the spring coming, that more listings will pop up…I hope? But no, for real. more people want to move in the summer time so they list their property in the spring-ish in hopes to move while kids are out of school, snows off the road etc. Either way I’ve been checking the new listings probably 3 times a day just to make sure. Over kill? Totally. But I want to make sure I’m one of the first to see a new place once it goes up.

Other than that, work’s been decent. I got another bonus this week so I’ll stash that away for the down payment, which all thanks to me (yes, I’m throwing not so subtle shade at y’all) has been growing slowly.

The gym/training has been great. I only have 3-4 more sessions with my trainer left and I haven’t decided what I’m doing after that. Most gyms here require a membership or a contract in order for you to go and I don’t wanna sign some stupid 2 year contract to a gym if I’m moving in 5-6 months, but on the other hand, I don’t want to stop all the progress I’ve made and stop going all together. So I’ve got to think my options through. My co-worker suggested I go to each new gym in the area for their free 2 week trial until we move lol so I guess that’s an option. Currently the top contender is a small gym close to work that I could join on a month to month basis. But this gym is geared more towards heavy lifting, which I have been doing with my trainer, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable signing up to go to a gym where there will be a bunch of butch guys walking around, when I’m still not 100% sure what I’m doing. So I guess yeah I’m just still self-conscious.

My kids are doing good. Well they’re always doing good, although little E said something quite disconcerting to me the other day. He asked outta no-where if I hear voices in my head. So of course red lights went up so fast because of their dad. I tried to casually ask what he meant, and he continued…

He said he talks to voices that he hears in his head. So I said we all have our inner voice that we talk to, like we have conversations with our self in our minds. But then he continued by saying he actually HEARS them. Audibly.  And then he went on to say that he has 5 different voices. Each with a different voice/sound/distinction. So I asked him what do they say? Because now I’m becoming a little more concerned. And he says he can only hear 2 of them distinctly, but he knows the 5 are there. He’s not sure exactly what they say, but he can hear the different sounds they make. So I suggested to him that he just use his own thoughts to control the voices, and make sure he is always choosing to listen to the voice that is his own.

But I’ll be honest, I’m worried. There’s no “test” persay for schizophrenia. In fact when I was dealing with E first being diagnosed, I asked many doctors if I could’ve known before, or what to look out for, and they all said pretty much the same thing. Until there is a full-on meltdown/mental breakdown there is no way of knowing for sure. But I don’t want to let little E get to that point. I don’t want him living with voices in his head from such a young age and having him think it’s normal. I want to do whatever I can to stop it, or help it BEFORE it progresses to a point of no return. I don’t want him to start listening to those voices more than the world around him like his dad did. I want everything good and happy and nice for him.

So when I hear him tell me that he has specifically labeled 5 distinct voices in his head, that he can HEAR, not just in his mind, but he hears them talking, so much so that he turns to see if they are there… that highly concerns me. I think I’m totally within my right to look into some preventative…..things? I don’t even know what options are out there, but you can know for sure I’ll be researching them.

I don’t want to leave him until he has a total break down before someone takes me seriously. I take him seriously. So if you have any recommendations on paranoid schizophrenia, and preventative measures, pass them along. Because I know how bad his dad is, and I NEVER want that for little E.


-Drake/God’s Plan-